Anyone NOT have a relationship with their mother?

Question

Is anyone not close with their mother? IF so how do you deal with it? Me and my mother have been clashing since as long as I can remember. She is always saying things that I think are hurtful/innapropiate to me, and regardless of what I say-it doesn't seem to phase her. It hurts when I see friends being able to talk to their moms, or are glad to see/be around their moms, when I cant even stand to be in the same room with her.

Answer 1

AWWE if i was there..id give you a hug. have you tried talking to her? it might help. treat her to icecream. or you can maybe try calling the help line..they'll defenitly know how to help you

Answer 2

I am not close to my mother. There are very good reasons for it, and I have given her too many chances to make good with the relationship and she blew it every time, hurting me more than I can imagine anyone could do many times.

Still I get judged by everyone who finds out I dont talk to her. Of course, if they knew some of the reasons they wouldnt judge me but that doesnt help - I dont want everyone to know my business.

I advise you to give her some space for a while, and give her a chance to make amends if that is at all possible in your situation. But the make amends must be on your terms - you must state your boundaries that she cannot cross (e.g. you cannot criticize my partner, or you cannot keep referring to my weight, or whatever it is).

If she blows it after you have given her a chance, you are probably best without her.

I know how heartbreaking it is to see others who are happy with their mothers (I really missed having a mother around during my last pregnancy and my son's birth, and now am pregnant again). What I suggest is you find other women in your life who fulfill that role for you - for example, my friend has a woman boss who yearned for grandchildren, and happily took on my friend as a sort of "daughter" and became "grannie" to her kids.. I found a doula (mother's helper during labor and childbirth) who supported me during the birth of my son in a much better way than my mother ever could have. I tried to develop a deep relationship with my mother in law so that my son had a grandmother figure, although that relationship has gone sour lately - but I wont give up on that, I will try again..

Above all, dont feel guilty or bad for having no relationship with your mother if to have a relationship with her causes you lots of pain.. Anyone who judges you is simply ignorant..

But dont lose out on a mother daughter relationship out of stubborness or based on silly misunderstandings or anything like that either..
Good luck..

Answer 3

It depends on how old you are and if you're living at home. If you're a minor and / or living at home, you really don't have many options. The best thing you can do is to "adopt" a friend's Mom.

I was "Mom" to several of my daughter's friends when she was in school. Mainly because they needed someone to talk to who wasn't judgemental.

If you're an adult, and you're self-sufficient, then you have the option of limiting your contact with your mother.

I had to do it with mine...she can get pretty vicious and in her mind, she was just being concerned...I got to the point I told her, "that was a b**chy thing to say". Once I stood up in a restaurant and told her I'd be back in an hour to pick her up, but I wasn't sitting around listening to her speak to me like that...and I left..and picked her up an hour later. It only took a couple of times, and she quit. I've drawn some boundaries and I stick with them.

The thing to remember is, she's your mother because she gave birth to you...she's not necessarily your friend. I figured out that as much as I loved my parents, I wouldn't chose them as friends. I also realized they wouldn't chose me as a friend either. But it's okay...because they're my parents, and I love them..and they love me.

Answer 4

I know what you mean... at this point in time my mother is being phased out of my life. She has used me and abused me way too much and I'm not going to deal with it anymore. It helps now since she lives several states away as well.

Answer 5

my mom and i have spoken once in 2 years, my mom has an addiction that affects not only her but everyone around her. I don't know if that's the circumstance for you, but basically I gave my mom the option of having a relationship w/me or her drugs and alcohol. Because she is sick she is choosing the later. i came to the decision that a mother shouldn't make their children feel bad about themselves, and my mom did that to me. So i chose to cut that out of my life. if your mom makes you feel bad, then you shouldn't have to deal with it either. it hurt at first, and i was angry because i thought she chose her addictions over me, but she didn't. she's not healthy, and if you can't love yourself, you can't love anyone else. not even your children.

I filled that void, by loving others. I don't just mean my family and friends but everyone. i keep tabs on her thru other family members, and would be there for her if she ever truly needed me. but i made the decision not to allow her bring me down to her level. soo, it's a misconception to think that you have to love your mom because she's your mom. you don't and you don't even have to like her. if someone's hurting you, it's up to you to make it stop. if you've talked to her about how she makes you feel, then you've taken the first step. if her behavior doesn't change, then it's out of your control, and don't blame yourself for that. just know your making the best decision for yourself!!

Answer 6

I don't. It took me years to understand it too. The bottom line is my mother is not a nice person. I love her and i respect her, but we have no realationship to speak of. How to deal with it? Depends on why you are not close with your mother. Mine hurt me to much to many times. I wouldn't let nayone else treat me the way she does and therefore the fact she is my mother doesn't give her the right to treat me badly. One day she will understand. Fortunatly for me my mother in law showed me what it is like to have a real mom.

Answer 7

I spent three years without even speaking to mine, I do call mine daily now but only visit once or twice a year.

We could not be in the same room for more than 4 hours without getting into a fight over something

Answer 8

14 years ago, I chose to stop seeing my severely abusive mother for survival sake; however, I do love her and I still feel the void of not having a mother. It came down to deciding the lesser of two evils - the pain of her abuse - or the pain of estrangement.

The mother/child relationship is a complicated one. I did not take the decision to stop seeing my mother lightly. Before I made my decision, I talked through my issues with a therapist. I also read, "Making Peace with Your Parents", by Harold Bloomfield and worked with all of his suggestions. When that didn’t work, I read "Divorcing a Parent", by Beverly Engels. Ms. Engels provides excellent guidance, including pros/cons and what to expect, to help aid the reader with their decision.

Good luck.

Answer 9

I dont have one with my mother cause she cant seem to stay off the drugs. It use to bother me but I have my own life to live and once I relized that I became a much happier person. We don't talk to each other but thats because of choices she made. Now she lies in the bed she made.

Answer 10

I dont I have not seen my mother in almost 15 years and before that 9 years she has a alot of problems with mental health and drugs I didnt even try to bond with her It wasnt worth it so I didnt even bother.dont feel bad It happiens.

Answer 11

moms are just another woman. In fact, because it is an individuals "mom" they feel overpowering or "the one that brought you into this world and the one....blah blah!" We've all heard that bullshit. With that in mind, we need to understand that Moms/Women are a completely DIFFERENT ANIMAL ALL TOGETHER. No fault of theirs or ours but Women are by design much weaker physically. The Hunter/Gatherer traits come into play when, for instance; A woman feels threatened or betrayed or cornered by a male. Physically they have no choice but to DEFEND themselves. Then , they revert to the only kind of OFFENSE they posses, VERBAL. SEXUAL BETRAYAL. ECT...ECT...or any mix of the likes.
BOTTOM LINE HERE MY FRIENDS: DON'T TRUST ANYTHING THAT BLEEDS FOR A WEEK AND STILL KEEPS COMING!!