How will my daughters learn what a healthy relationship is if they haven't seen me in one?

Question

At 33 & the divorced mother of 2 girls,11 & 14. Divorced since 97. Tried many times to reconcile with my ex but he & I were in different worlds.His world:crime, cheating, lying, drugs, alcohol, & violence.Mine:college, raising a family, trying to progress, securing a home, maintaining gainful employment. Ex is in prison. My first daughter's father was murdered, shot to death,when she was 7 yrs. old.I don't take bs off a man. I prayed for deliverance from the hell I went through with my ex & promised God that I would never allow another man to take me down so low.God delivered me & I kept my promise. I haven't had a BF since 2000.That BF was nice & we lived together for about a year but he had a different view of life that involved quick & easy money not hard work.I vowed never to live with another man & I haven't. I got this job as a victims advocate in 01. I help other women but I worry about my girls. They know how not to take crap but how will they know how to love and be loved?

I practically don't date because I don't have time to play games and I don't want my girls seeing different men come in and out of our lives.

Yes, I had a thing for thugs and bad boys but that phase is over. I am all grown up now. I wish that life had a "do over" button but it doesn't.

Answer 1

keep doing what you are doing. you are showing them how to become strong, independant, young women who will show their friends how to be the same. keep them in 'the word' not 'the world' as it seems you are doing now. keep on talking to them and keep the lines of communication open.

they know how to love and be loved because their mother is teaching it to them.

Answer 2

good question! I've been there and done that. I was married twice, the first time to a very abusive man. ( the father of my three children) then to an alcholic. I ended up raising my kids on my own. I had to keep them for there bioligical father due to threats of kidnapping. I wondered the same thing. But I kept them in church and two of them are grown and out of the house and seem to do okay with relationships in their lifes. The third one is 16 and the biggest blessing one could ask for, she's not perfect but durn close.( I guess after the life I had God gave me an easy button for this one) One thing I do hope you come to find is a good man. I know it's hard to trust after all you have been through. But I promise you there are a few good ones left out there. I'm almost 40 now and I finally found a good one about a year ago. He is every thing I've ever wanted in a man and more. We met on the net, of all places. My oldest daughter signed me up on a web site called TRUE. she said she decided to use this site because the do background checks on their members. Any way it still took a long time for us to even meet, I kept putting it off. When we did meet I had my kids with me because like I told him, they are part of me. trust still took a while to build but he was very patient. We are now making wedding plans and looking at houses. So don't give up on love, just be cautious. Check out that web site. Good luck and God bless!!

Answer 3

That is a very tough question! How do we teach our children how to have something we haven't been able to manage?

My kid is grown, and I have a 12 year old grandson. Too late for me to stress the importance of sharing a life with someone who has the same ideas, beliefs and goals. I would think though teaching your children to search out a better life than you have is about the same as a high school drop out instilling the importance of an education. Many great scholars have come from parents who stressed education!

As early teenagers they are becoming interested in the opposite sex, and these question about relationships and dating will be hitting you soon, if they already haven't. I would suggest you be open and honest about what it takes to be good friends, and that love is never easy!

Good luck!

Answer 4

listen, I don't need all that information for say u that I'm 13 , and my mom is divorced, and I have learned a lot of things without a dad!
I personally think that the most important is explain them how is life
somethings about sexuality and love and other things
there is no one who say them how to act like a mother can, because u are the only one who knows them more than anyone

u think u made mistakes, so don't tell them that u acted bad, xplain them why u think u did mistakes and who really went on things don't be crying all time because it make's peolple think that are losed

help them to understand how a family works ,but no how u think, just like true is

be sure of your and them self

my mom say that have boyfriend is a good experience because when u turn big you'll know the way how things go on, but don't let them alone, give them advices, and be like a friend, and trust them. if they are happy ¡jump with them! and if she's sad don't tell her to stop crying, tell her why it really stupid to do it when things can be really good

money isn't important, because the most important, it's tell how get it, and all about it; also it's better be with them, that work a lot, at the way u are tired, and don't talk because u only want sleep
if u tell them how life REALLY is, they all life will be pleased with u, and they'll know how to act.I tjhing a good way is making a family business like sell clothes or food or whatever!
u really think that a dad is going to tell them about life, because no all men do that,u know it, and they only need an advice not some one with a drug or alcohol on his hands

don't say every time that it was a bad person , put other examples of bad life, tell them about your expiriences for giving examples about what is bad and what isn't

if u feel bad cos of the past don't say them crying and tel them that life is now and no yesterday

Answer 5

Well, definitely do not bring someone home or have them pick you up from your house when your girls are home. It's a better influence on kids to see the adults in their lives not in a relationship at all rather then in streams of bad ones. Stay single and if and when you meet a good guy that you have dated for a bit and feel comfortable with bring him home for a dinner and see how they all get along.

And also TALK TALK TALK to the girls. Tell them the reasons why you were with men in bad relationships and now why you aren't in any relationship. Tell them how important it is to be good with yourself before you can be good with anyone else. Your girls, especially the 14 year old, is old enough to understand and the 11 year old is old enough to start understanding. Be truthful and honest and they will respect you for that. Good luck.

Answer 6

the first thing that you can start doing is not bring your relationships around your kids untill you know for sure that this one is good enough to bring home. Tell your kids that all men are not the same. Let it be known that your past is not the future but a lesson learned. Tell them its ok to love even when they think it might hurt. You cant live life without loving. Thats how the game is played. You will be hurt and you will see people hurt but the only way to live life is to love everyone as if you just met them.

Answer 7

Talk to them, let them know what a good relationship is about, trust, respect, etc. Let them know what a bad relationship is, distrust, being mentally abused, controlled, etc.
Even though they don't see you in a relationship they will see their friends parents, your family and friends.
A relationship with a man isn't really that different then a friendship if you take out the sex. They should know how to love and to be loved from all the other relationships in their lives.

Answer 8

Since nobody can change their past, you might want to try to see what works in the here and now. Try making friends --male and female-- and start and maintain those relationships as you see them develop. Your experience should have taught you to pick your friends more carefully, and you should act accordingly.

Your daughters will follow your example...or not. That's up to them, not you. You obviously don't need a boyfriend to establish a good relationship model. Try family members, coworkers, neighbors. Good principles of a healthy relationship exist in every human interaction.

Answer 9

Yup I have a 2 yr old and 11 yr old and I start college this fall. My way of thinking is I am going to try like hell not to involve myself with anyone until they are off to college themselves. I am going to be way too busy anyhow. I am 29 and going back to school and with two kids that's going to be a hard one. Maybe you should consider waiting until the kids have grown.

Answer 10

Well let your daughters know that you have been through bad relationships as well as they should know and that they should follow the way you went because it doesn't lead to anything good. Let them know that finding the right man might take years but it is worth the time.

Answer 11

They won't. Simple and honest, they will be comfused when it's time for them to date. But if they are close to you and can be honest with you then they will come to you with their problems. And that will be a time for you to interject with all your "relationship" experiance. But you have to be prepared for the facts of life to happen, they WILL choose the wrong men as you have it's the way mothers and daughters effect each other.