When dating, why do I get the same kind of men? They say you attract what you are, but I am not what they are?

Question

I always end up with the type of men I would never want to date, many of them were persistant with wanting to date, they show nothing but great qualities and as months go by they turn out to be real jerks, with lots of baggage, play lots of games, lie, and are not relationship material, they put up such a front and by the time I realize they are not really who they said they were, I have gotten feelings from them or some kind of bond has formed, but I really struggle with letting them go and I cry a lot, (I'm quite aware the relationship is not going to work out) but I just have the toughest time, I'm successful, stable, have a good career, and many of my friends say I really have it together, but I don't seem to progress in this area, is something wrong with me?

Answer 1

Great question.

You state some assumptions that I'd like to examine:

"You attract what you are."

I don't think that is true. I think we probably look for certain baseline characteristics in the people we date, but they are not usually "mirrors of ourselves."

The issue you seem to be more clearly identifying and asking might be:

Why do the men I am close to keep falling into the same patterns in response to being close to me? THAT may be a better question for you to find answers to.

I once received a great piece of advice: Don't look for THE right person as much as you try to become THE right person.

You need to figure out what things you do, what relationship boundaries you create, what your environment promotes in terms of rewards to certain behaviors and consider why several of the men have chosen their "improper" actions in response to the environment you created.

Then examine the healthiest real relationships you have visibility to: What are the women doing differently from you to give their men positive reinforcement to behave better.

"Men" are not all bad. But it does seem that sometimes one woman can "cause" multiple men to get into almost identical negative patterns.

Don't feel guilty or bad for ending up bonding and liking these men. No matter how much bad crap they do, there are still probably good things about them and hopeful things about them.

I think women who are good in relationships find ways to redirect bad behaviors into good behaviors. So I completely disagree with the concept of "you can't change him." If you can't change them, what's the point of having a relationship? - because all men and women need to be able to adapt and improve (aka change).

I absoutely believe you have a stable career and you have it together on many fronts. Just the facts that you are asking articulate questions and looking for ways to improve your behavior are indications that you do have it together.

But women are often trained with poor habits in how they treat their men. Women need to hold their men accountable, and vice versa. They must fight for fairness. They must work to be more equal than "obedient."

Read books on relationships: Here's one to start with (read my
review at Amazon: When Love Goes Wrong: What to Do When You Can't Do Anything Right

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0060923695/102-8936259-9913726?colid=&coliid=&n=283155

That book does a good job of letting you know you are not alone in observing problematic patterns. It does not do a good job at outlining positive and enabling patterns, so you'll have to read other books for that.