HELP ME with step child?

Question

I am getting married and I can not bond with my soon to be step son. I have other kids, and when he is around I treat him like the other kids. The same rules. i buy him things, help with home work. But i am finding it hard for me to bond with. He is 9 and he lies and tells stories, he peeps through windows and watch me get dressed , he also throw temper trantrams . he is not discplined or anything. He always gets his way. My children does not want him around. He does not live w. his mom , he lives with another relative, but we have him often. I do not know what to do , and his father wont listen to what i advise him to do and they are raising a monster. Please help.I want to love this child, but dont think that i ever will.

Answer 1

This is the red flag you should be paying attention to.
Don't marry this guy. If you do, I will be around here to answer the magnitude of questions you are going to have by not paying attention to the warning signs!

Don't do it!
Good luck!

Answer 2

Well, the fact that you refer to him as a "monster" may reveal some issues about you!

It doesn't matter if you treat him like you would your kids or not! He still feels like an outsider. And the fact that he doesn't even live with his mother indicates that his home life wasn't all that stable to begin with. Why he doesn't live with his mother you did not say. Doesn't live with mom, doesn't live with dad, lives with some other relative (aunt? uncle? grandparent?). No wonder this kid is the way he is. He's been passed around almost like a foster kid.

And then you come along, this new woman in dad's life and you expect him to welcome you with open arms immediately? That's a common mistake by new stepparents. They don't know how to be patient and develop a bond over time; they expect it to be almost instantaneous. And then right off the bat you start giving his father parenting advice, and that makes you appear in the kid's eyes to look more like the wicked witch of the west (no insult intended; I'm sure you're a very nice lady, but you have to picture these things through the eyes of a child.).

Bottom line: be patient with him. It's not going to come fast and easy, but I believe the bonding will happen as long as you don't do things that would reinforce his adversarial attitude towards you.

Oh, and close the curtains, blinds, or whatever when getting dressed. Boys are naturally curious about these things, but you don't have to put on a peep show either.

Good luck!

Answer 3

Are you sure you want to marry this guy? Take it from someone who came VERY CLOSE to getting into a marriage like that: Your husband-to-be needs to get on the same page with you in terms of how you are going to raise your children. The two of you absolutely must present an allied front, even if you don't agree on every little detail concerning the children. Your marriage WILL NOT WORK if this kid gets special treatment from his father and no discipline is exercised with him. I wish you the best because I ended up breaking it off, but there was no way I was going to sit back and let her tell me "my child, my rules." Uh-uh. That doesn't fly.

Answer 4

First of all the fact that your asking for help shows you do care and do want to love this child. You are doing the right thing by making the rules the same, but let me ask you is your discipline the same, i recently went through this same ordeal , and it is very hard and frustrating. You and your soon to be husband need to get on the same page before any progress can be made. Someone once told me that you dont love this cchild yet because he is not your own, but in time you will, and the same applies to you love grows in time. but dont harbor any more resentments agaisnt the child , the problem lies in the parenting , your fiance needs to help you get this situation resolved ..good luck and your in my prayers

Answer 5

It sounds to me like he craves attention and goes about getting it in a negative way. Patience is a virtue in this circumstance. He comes from a torn family and is acting out. Maybe if you could show him some stability he will come around. All I really can tell you is to not turn your back on him. He is troubled. Just give it some more time and maybe after you are married to his dad things will change. Don't be overbearing or spoil him to compensate. Again, patience is a virtue. Good Luck and congratulations on your soon to be marriage!

Answer 6

You should talk this over with your soon to be husband. That is the best way for you. Let him know that he is letting this child get away with way to much stuff and it needs to change if he wants you to be apart of it. Maybe he doesnt realize it. It is obvious that the child isnt living the best life and let your soon to be husband know that you are willing to give his son a better life but that wont happen if he doesnt discipline his son. The child is pushing his limits because he know he can and that needs to change, you need to let him know who is boss.

Answer 7

You need to be able to love this child as much as your own. If you are finding this difficult then I would talk to you fiance and tell him your feelings. If they are ignored then he may not be the right man for you. If you can't communicate with your fiance and come to some understanding and boundaries for his son, then you need to move on. If you go ahead with this wedding the way things are there will be resentments and anger for years to come. Not only from your husband, but from his child and your children. Your children will be affected by this. Please do something before the wedding.

Answer 8

Remind yourself that this is not your child and you don't need to love them. Just treat the child like you would any other child visiting your home. It's your fiancee's responsibility to raise the child. Instead of advising how to raise, place expectation of "house rules" for everyone. (but make sure your kids follow also.)

Answer 9

what might be going on is that he misses hes mom and that he is sad that hes parents are devorced and he loves you but he is scared
he is afraid that once he bonds with u and starts 2 love u he might think ur trying to replace hes mom?
and he may think once he loves u and likes u you might leave or devorce again or maybe he doesnt like switching from house to house becasue i no that cant be fun


i hope things get better and i hope u guys bond good luck he is prob a great kid inside

Answer 10

look i have too so many step children 5 they are and i have 2 baby now soon in november i will become new baby.but for me i take it as normal.they make too disturb my babys but i have nothing to do.until now im still with this people i have nothing to do they are the children from my husband.from begin i know and accept that he has aleady so many children.for u is better is only one.go on if u love this man.