Do I breakup with my boyfriend for not telling his parents about my child?

Question

I have been dating this wonderful man for the past year, I'm 23 he's 28. Things have been going well, except that he has not told his family that I have a child. Let me give you some background. I had a child when I was 16 out of wedlock. Since then I have graduated high school (on time), earned my bachelor’s degree in Biology and now I'm in my Master's program. My son is now 7, and my boyfriend, my son and myself spend a lot of time together. But there are some differences between my boyfriend and I, for example, he’s a very private person and I am very out going. I’m white and he's first generation Filipino. I have met his family twice since we began dating, but they know nothing about my son. He has told me that he's going to tell them about my son for at least the past 6 months, however, it still has not came to pass. He says that he's scared that they will hate me, even though they got along fine with me when I met them before. I am willing to deal with the differences in cultures; in fact I find them fascinating. I am also willing to deal with the fact that they may not accept me at first, I understand why they might not. But I am very secure with myself and how I have dealt with having a child so young. However, I'm growing increasingly frustrated in the fact that he will not tell them. Am I not worth it to him? What do I do?

Answer 1

I think you should be proud of your accomplishments - believe me, I don't know how you did it! I don't know you & I'm proud of you! That said, he needs to do the right thing & tell his family all about you - & I mean ALL. It sounds to me as if HE has issues about your son - not so much his family. Since you've only met them twice, it doesnt' sound as if ya'll will be hanging out with them every weekend, etc, so why should it be such a big deal if they hate you? You're part of his life, as is his family, BUT - you & your son are forming a new family & that should be his main focus, not pleasing his parents. I do know a little about their culture - I think it's awesome that you're willing to embrace the differences & learn more - & I am aware that they are patriarch driven - he's going to look to his father more or less for approval on most things. But if he keeps your "real life" a secret for much longer, then not only will they be more upset because he wasn't up front with them to begin with, but the more it seems as if he's ashamed that you had a child so early in your life. No blame should EVER be attached to your son - & don't you let him do that!! - he is the most innocent person in this conflict & should be your main concern. You need to talk with him, honestly & frankly, about your concerns & your thoughts. You shouldn't have to apologize for having a child when you did, you shouldn't have to make excuses. But the bottom line is that he needs to open up to his family so that they can embrace you, your son, your differences, your lives. If he isn't willing to do this, then you will need to consider moving on, I'm afraid. If he isn't open to that, then what else is he closed-minded about? I can tell you are a strong woman - that is very much in your favor. Do what you have to do - I already think you knew the answer, you just wanted someone to validate it for you. Take care, god bless, good luck!!

Answer 2

The relationship will become dangerous if your boyfriend ever makes you choose between himself and your child. And he will probably be dumped then because I assume you would keep your child your priority.
He may be telling the truth, he probably fears his family's conservative reaction. However, if their reaction is worse than you expected and he is not prepared to take your side, then you should leave him, he is not right for you or your son.
And I also want to mention that your son is your responsibility first of all and you should not be ashamed to talk about him yourself, just bring it up, when a similar subject occurs. It's way of testing their reaction and his willingness to stand by you.

Answer 3

Why don't you mention your son? You should be very proud of all you've managed to achieve. Is he willing to stick with you if his family has a problem with it? Either way, I say you mention him and whatever the fallout, good or bad, needs to be done sooner rather than later.

Answer 4

ure a strong woman nd u know tat...but dear dnt u think even guys can sometimes be a lil weak hearted ....he is unable to let tiz out to his family only becoz hes scared tiz mite bring bitter feelings for u frm them ......but u do know he loves u ?

give him some time .....if he cannot thn u mite tell abt tiz to his family ....but i think its his family he knows better how to deal wid seriuos issues wid them .....but offer him tat u both can talk abt tiz together and so tiz way both of u can get each others support while talkin abt tiz sensitive issue wid his parents/family