Was anyone out there long term fostered but allowed a visit from their real mother once a year?

Question

I was fostered (not adopted) by the same family from the age of 2 onwards. My real mother was only allowed to visit me once a year. This has really screwed me up as I never understood why she didn't want to take me with her when she left each time (didn't she love me?) and that I wouldn't see her for another year. This has left me feeling unlovable, useless and with long term depression. It was like having a major rejection again and again and again.

I know now that she did love me and want me but that she wasn't allowed to visit me more often for fear of confusing my emotions.

Has anyone else gone through anything similar?

Answer 1

I know a fair amount about fostering.
And if your mother was only allowed to see you once a year it means she was unfit or unstable to see you more often.
Maybe she had emotional or mental problems, maybe even a drug problem.
If this wasnt the case your mother would of seen you more often.

Answer 2

My niece is going threw something similar, when she was a baby her mom use to drop her off at my house for weeks at a time not call to make sure she was okay or anything. She started getting better at seeing her and keeping her for a few years then she just stopped again and now she is living with her moms ex-boy friend. She comes around every three months for fifteen minutes by choice and then she will take her for a week and not see her for six months. Her mom also put her in a position where she was possibly molested. The man that she calls daddy is in no way blood related. But he takes care of her and loves her more than anything. Now she is at risk for being taken away from him. The whole point to this whole story is people make mistakes and they have to live with the consequences wither they be good or bad. I'm sure your mom loved you and wanted you. She just made some mistakes that caused her the pain of losing you. If she had taken you she would have been arrested for kidnapping and would never be able to see you again so she done the best she could. Just don't let yourself give into the voice inside telling you she didn't care and that she didn't want you. Listen to what you believe and how you feel.

Answer 3

I'm really very sorry.....

I can't relate as far as being in foster care, but I can tell you I adopted both my children through foster care.

My oldest, now thirteen, is having some of the same painful thoughts you are having, and my heart hurts for her. I did not get her until she was 5, so lots of damage was already done.

I don't mean to take attention away from your question, but what I'm trying to say is that what you're feeling is sadly to be expected. In fact, I quit taking in foster kids who were still allowed to see the parent(s) because I didn't feel it was a good idea most of the time. You are absolutely right, it is like being abandoned over and over again, and I can't see what good it does a child to have to go through it. I just couldn't stand to see the pain in their faces over and over again.

My feeling as a (former) foster parent is that the program either needs to get the family back together as soon as possible, or quit yanking the child around. Put them in a permanent family, and let them have a chance to 'belong' somewhere.

I can't imagine why your mother could not take you back, but it would seem that she would have wanted you to grow up in a home where you 'belonged' and therefore would have made arrangements to legally do so. This may not be what you would want to hear, but I am speaking from experience when I say sometimes you just have to let people go and move on.

There are good and bad foster homes out there, I can only hope you had a good one. I will tell you that as a foster mom I loved each and every one of my kids, even if it was just for a while. The two girls I adopted I love more than life itself, and I really mean that.

I hope you get a chance to feel like you 'belong' and know that even if your actual 'birth' mom can't be there for you, somehow you'll get through this. Lots of children grow up in foster care.....

Take care and I wish you the best.....

Answer 4

Just try to remember that none of this was because you were "unlovable" or because you were not good enough to be accepted.

The problems were all to do with your Mother and possibly the social care system. Had you been born into a more stable family with a stable mother you would not have ended up in foster care in the first place.

You can not change the past, but try not to dwell on it. Instead look towards the future and things you can change. Make sure that you are in a stable relationship when you have your children, and make sure they don't go through the same turmoil. Concentrate on the good things in your past (I presume you had good foster parents who gave you a great upbringing). Don't let the failings of your birth Mother ruin the rest (greater part) of your life!!!

Answer 5

I've adopted 2 children that were long time DCFS foster children. My son who is now almost 20.....is non-motivated, lazy, won't work or keep a JOB...he's a totally disfunctional human being. I adopted him when he was 10 yrs old.... He ran away from our home when he turned 18....and has been on the MOOCHERS game ever since.

Just yesterday I found out he was living with his biological birth MOM....(mind you these people are worse than trailer scum)....I've been to the home...viewed with my own eyes.....

I'm the legal MOM now but this kid has totally rejected any values we've tried to instill....He lies, steals and GOD knows what ....

I can thank the BirthMOM and DCFS for this child being disfunctional. BirthMOM let INCEST and sexual abuse happen to this child when he was between 1 and 2 1/2 yrs old. Letting him continually be sodamized, and have him preform oral copulations on two older sibilings. WHAT KIND of MOM MONSTER would allows such unspeakable things????

My son has a history of being a SEXUAL predator and it's only a matter of time when he does something unspeakable and ends up on the county's court dockets and sex registration!!

You my dear really need to delve into informations and histories in regards to why you were placed in the FOSTER system in the 1st place......You were taken away from your birth parents for a reason.......Look and seek out answers and then draw your own conclusions from the mysteries that are in the court records or with some case worker.....

Answer 6

Sorry to hear that I can't really say I know what you are going through because I don't. I was not fostered I was adopted at the age of just 2 months and it is hard. Talking to your parents or a friend will help and there is always counselling.

Your mummy loves you ok it is just that she can't take care of you for what ever reason. Don't be too hard on her as it will be hard for her too it bet.

Answer 7

i was fostered as a child from about 18 months , i never met my real mother she passed away when i was 13 . i met my real father twice at nine he gave me a half crown to spend, he has passed away also , i met three family members a few years ago, i was happy in my setting as a child and will be aways grateful to the the people that gave me my early childhood living , i have been given a reasonable life and up bringing, i know I'll never be rich, i try to be a reasonable and happy person, i know that life is not easy

Answer 8

yeah i havent seen my dad since i was 5 and i was sexually abused by my mums boyfreind when i was 8.. then wen i was 10 she had a new bf and he abused me as well for 2 years and docs found out and they gave her a choice him or me and she choose him and i have no family at all not even a foster family and im now 16 :( i feel your pain but trust me just think about all the people that care about you im sure your a wonderful person....
take care and good luck with life if we never speek again

Answer 9

No i haven't-but now that you know the truth about why she didn't take you with her...........why are u still then having problems. Maybe she couldn't afford to take care of you as well as your foster parents did or maybe she was going through some personal problems herself.

Answer 10

maybe your mother is still confused of what she needs to do or maybe she feels like you can't accept her again or you hate her that much (coz that what they feel when they left their child). maybe when you will meet her again try to let her see that your really happy when she is there with you. and when she's leaving maybe tell her like this.."bye mom..i'll miss you a lot..hope you'll visit me more often.." i know its hard to say that but try it.. really try it. it's not dangerous to try. you'll not die. =) and maybe its effective..ok?