My sister is going to jail...again. She wants my folks and i to clean out her place. When is enough enough?

Question

My sister just got out of jail six months ago and got arrest today for another drug crime. Now she want the family (Just Mom Dad my husband and myself to clean out her apartment. I live 350 miles away and my parents live 90 miles away from her. She has been in and out of jail for the last five years and I'm done with her. I can not watch my folk keep going through this. Am I a bad older sister because I think at the age of 25 you should be able to handle you own stuff without dragging your family into it. When I was her age I was married with my masters and move to the city. She just finish her GED and haves not been able to hold down a job. Is it okay to cut her out or do I stick with it and "hope she grows out of this phase".

PS I'm going to clean out her apartment so my parents don't have to do it. Do I move her stuff to my house out of state or pay to rent a unit?

PPS Do I help her pay for the lawyer?

Answer 1

You have to draw boundaries. Don't enable her to not grow up. You have to keep the door open for her to come into your life if she needs help getting on track, but you have to keep a healthy distance from her if she is on the type of downward spiral that sucks everyone around her down with it.

It is not your responsibility to pay to rent a unit for her. She has to take the responsibility to tell you what to do with it at her own expense. Ask her if she has a bank account or something, or if she can forward you some of her prison earnings. If this is not possible, and you do want to help and can afford to, make it clear that you expect to be recompensated some time in the future. Get it in writing if you have to. If she doesn't agree to this, ask her which few items she wants you to keep for sentimental reasons, and dispose of the rest.

I feel that you have two choices with the lawyer issue. Let her go to legal aid and get a public defender, or offer to loan her some money to obtain legal defense. Consider your finances, and your heart with this one. If you can comfortably afford it, and you want to help, then do it. If not, don't. And remember either way it is about accountability on her part - that's why you have to make it clear that the money will only be a loan if you do decide to help her.

I know that this sounds harsh, but you must realize that people have to be made accountable for their behaviour. If you clean up this mess for her, she learns that she can continue being irresponsible, because everyone else will upset their lives and bend over backwards to be responsible for her mistakes. By continuing to make her problems your problems, in the long run you are hurting her by making it possible for her to continue to self destruct.

Let her suffer her own consequences, but make it clear to her that you will go out of your way to help her get into or through treatment. You will only support her positive efforts to get herself together, not her mistakes.

One last thing to keep in mind: Drug habits are expensive. There will always be some crisis that the addict needs to have paid for. Trying to enable someone in this situation can be a bottomless pit of expenses. This also applies to all of the time you will spend on the problems her lifestyle will cause, and the emotional anguish you will endure. You have to draw the line somewhere in order to protect your own sanity, heart, finances, and quality of life.

Stay strong.

Answer 2

I'm going to make a very wild guess here: Are you a Jordanian living in England? O.K., regardless.... You say you have money -- are you sure you have enough? It costs a LOT living out there on your own. You say you can travel -- does that mean you have a means of transportation, or just that you know how to use buses and trains? And what about all the baggage you'll have to carry? As for needing a guy to be with you, I guess that depends on where you are and where you are wanting to go... in some parts of the world I've been to, even one guy is not enough safety with two young and attractive girls traveling. You should seriously reconsider your plans. Can't you think of any alternatives? Have you spoken with others about this? As someone has already mentioned, your sister is old enough to go her own way, but you are not -- perhaps she can get her own place and then you can move in with her? Please think very hard about all this and see if there are not other options open to you. Good luck, I wish you the best whatever your decision(s).

Answer 3

I think you are exactly right. Your concern for your parents is very nice.

1) Clean out her apartment so that you folks won't have to do it just as you suggested.

2) You and your folks could rent a place to put the stuff. Or, if you have the cash, buy a small storage building to put all her stuff into and put in your parents backyard. It will be cheaper in the long run, I think.

3) Don't pay for her attorney.

If you keep helping her out of her troubles, it's called enabling behavior. She has to suffer the consequences of her actions. It's difficult to stand and watch, I know. (I'm going through this to a much lesser degree with my son.)

Answer 4

You should stick by your sister.obviously she has a lot of work to do,but you and family should'nt shun her just cuz she's had a difficult time adjusting to society.Also you should try to research the sad fact of the judicial system and its recidivism statistics.That is to say that when one gets in the system..it is very hard to get out,and thats because of many things,least of which is the fact that the system is not geared towards rehabilitation and facilitating dependence and resposibility,but rather it is set up to keep the inmate/parolee in the revolving doors of the system and thereby generating millions of tax dollars for the "buisness" of incarciration. Im not saying to enable your sister,but to use discretion and compassion+understanding.As far as paying 4 her lawyer..1st ask urself can u afford one?If so,talk to ur sister ,if shes guilty or not ,ull know and if she is ,she may need to face it with out breaking the family's bank.

Answer 5

You move out her stuff so your parents dont have to and you ONLY keep things for her that can not be replced like family photos.
DO NOT pay for storage, do NOT pay to move stuff like furniture etc.
Call someplace like AMVETS or Good will or other to pick it up. Or sell it and use the money to pay for your gas and time.
No paying for attorneys.
Better she starts getting a clue that family isnt there just to bail her out now at 25 than 45
Seen it all before, " tough love" is what she needs.Dont have anything to do with her until she gets clean, your husband and you dont need it and neither does your mom.and DAd.

Answer 6

Have you ever heard of Al-Anon? I think you and your parents should go. It is for families of alcoholics and people with other substance addictions. Among other things they will help you understand what it means to be a codependent enabler... because that is what you are. Bottom line, your sister is going to keep falling as long as you and your parents keep being there to pick up the pieces whenever she does. Yes, there is a limit to how much you should do to help someone who is not willing to help herself, and you're there.

If you really love her, you will stand back and let her start cleaning up her own life, as heart-breaking as that may be. It's the only way she will ever have a chance of getting better.

Answer 7

I just went threw this with my boyfriends brother. He had been in and out of jail so much and always depended on the rest of the family to get his stuff done after going back to prison.

Only difference this time and the times before, was the fact that the dad was involved in getting it done this time. The dad lives in Canada, we live in Oklahoma, and the bother and a sister live in Alabama. The dad happened to be here visiting when the one son got into trouble "again".

We (the dad, my boyfriend and myself) took the trip from Oklahoma to Alabama to help the brother out. He made no effort to help us get his house cleaned out at all. All he wanted to do was hang out with his "friends next door". So when the time came for him to go, he lost a lot of stuff cause he didn't try to help us with "his" stuff. It was not our responsibility to get his stuff out, it was his.

Most cases you know ahead of time that you are going before you go, you should take that time to take care of your business before hand, just in case the worst should happen.

As for where to put her stuff, well if you have room for it at your house, you could store it at your house. And let her come and get it when she gets out. How long is she going to be in jail? That will make some difference. I mean, you might have to start selling her stuff to pay for her lawyer or what ever.

Tha is one price that you have to pay for getting into trouble. I alse think that I would let her know that this will not happen again. She is going to have to check her self into a program and get her life back on the right track. And that the next time that she gets into trouble, she can save her own stuff. Enough is ENOUGH I'm sorry.

Answer 8

Get some plastic boxes with lids, put her important things in there.
Like papers, pictures , keepsakes. Store that at your house.
The rest of the stuff pitch or take to goodwill.
Do not pay for her lawyer. Does it do any good? Maybe
some jail time will give her some time to think, and get clean.

Answer 9

She must know my sister. same story different girls...in and out of jail several times in two years.well my mom been bailing her butt out all the time...sometimes she just picks up and leave...landlord throws stuff out on road...mom picks it up...sucks she has four kids too.Let her know this is the last time...things are going in a rental..find out where she wants it...drop it off...let her know this is the last time. as far as parents go...almost nothing you can do...i learned this myself...and no you don't need to pat for the lawyer...she can fet court appointed....if you were to get a real one...you would be out thousands and she;ll still spend time. i tried to tell my mom...she helps she gets into these things because someone takes care of her. Tell your parents not to help....if she's in jail at least they will know where she is.... her do bad by bailing her out..you are not a bad sister...i used to feel the same way...so far I haven't talked to my sister in 7 years and don't care too...be strong girl...it's not your life.....

Answer 10

Your sister isn't doing this to you. She is a sick person who needs help. Unfortunately, she is the only on who can help herself. You and your parents need to stop enabling her.

I used to be like your sister, I was a leach on my family, especially my mom. It wasn't until they totally cut me off did I fall low enough to make a choice to ask for help (out side my family) and make changes in my life.

Truth: I was homeless for awhile, I did get very very sick, I knew many people around me who died, and I got hurt alot--but the truth is with out those experiences I couldn't have pulled my head out out of my a$$ and breathed air again.

today i have a great JOB $$, I am also a student, I am paying off my old debts, and I am more of a giver than a taker today. I treat my mom with respect--I never ask her for anything today I just call and talk with her and let her know everything is okay,and ask if she needs anything.

BEST ADVISE: LET HER GO, Surrender her to God.