We have custody of our nephew. Just curious to see if people think that if i do this would it be ignorant.?

Question

My brother in law is constantly getting into trouble with the law.
He keeps saying he is sorry and he won't do it again. Been happening for 6 yrs now. We have had custody of his child for that long. I was wondering how many people think it is ignorant if i send him a post card to jail telling him, "what ever, your actions suggest otherwise. I say this because he just sent us a letter today telling us that he is sorry, ect ect ect. We are just so fed up with excuse after excuse, and us (my husband and I) having to tell our nephew why he can't be with his parents. Its more sad than anything because I know my nephew loves his parents, but on one hand it seems if they love him so much why do they do the things that they constantly do to seperate themselves from him.

O sorry I wasn't clear on his so called mother. If I say too much I'm gonna get slamed with hateful remarks, so I better not, she isn't any better than the dad.

Answer 1

In all honesty, I don't think a postcard or a letter telling him how you feel is inappropriate at all. It's about time someone told him exactly how his actions are affecting his son. People who are truly sorry don't make the same mistake again and again. I do have a suggestion though and I speak from experience. (My sister is dying and we have custody of her four kids). Although my sister has done nothing wrong, when she is absent from them, the pain they express is over-whelming. On a daily basis, sometimes hourly, I have to remind them that mommy loves them so much and she really wishes she could be here with them. They, too, are young and I've found that if I just tell them what they need to hear, rather than all the details and add in my frustration regarding their irresponsible father, it works out alot better. All they want to do is be loved at that age. It sounds as if you and your husband are quite the guardian angels of that little boy. As for the comment on why they continue to keep doing things to seperate themselves from him when they claim to love him so much....it's because they know they have you to take care of him. I'm not saying to stop doing it....God knows that little boy needs the two of you more than ever....I'm just saying that for the last six years, you've raised him, he's safe and he's not a priority. I'm truly proud of you for all that you are doing for that little boy. There really are angels that walk amongst us.

Answer 2

Regardless of what he may say, his actions are obviously saying something different. You can only say you're sorry so many times and actually mean it. It sort of ties in with how you find a whole lot of born again Christians in prison, and once they get out they go right back to old behaviors. If he really cared about anyone besides himself he would seek out help to understand why it is he continues to commit crimes and would seek out a more active role in his child's life. You don't mention anything about his wife, but I assume from the fact that you have custody of their child she probably is not on the mother of the year nomination list either. If this is a continuing pattern, perhaps you should seek to take over permanent custody of your nephew. I would think that the courts would see that you and your husband are best suited to raise him in a loving and supportive home. Sadly enough, some people simply are not cut out to be adults, let alone parents. Thankfully your nephew has family like you who want to see him brought up properly.

Answer 3

One of the hardest things to do is try to explain the complexities of adults to their children.

My husband was an alcoholic and drug abuser, and I had to leave him when our son was 4. My son blamed me, saying that I wouldn't let Daddy live with us; and once I had visitation removed when he was 5, he said I wouldn't let him see Daddy. So I said that there was a judge that said Daddy couldn't see him, to which he replied, "That's a mean judge."

So right in that moment, I decided to let the blame fall where it belonged, and I said that the Judge told Daddy he had to stop drinking and go to a special hospital and then Daddy will be allowed to see you, so it's up to Daddy to do the right thing. "Well, why doesn't Daddy stop drinking then. Doesn't he love me?"

How heartbreaking that was... so I tried to explain that because Daddy had been drinking a lot over the years, his brain didn't work the right way anymore. So even though he loves you with all his heart, it's very hard for him to stop. In less than two years, his father was dead from live failure. Another heartbreak.

You've had your nephew all this time. YOU are his mother and father, and I think the court system would probably agree with you. My suggestion is to look into adopting him and cutting all ties with his parents (getting a restraining order if you have to). You have made him your top priority -- they obviously haven't. By making everything legal, you will be able to move forward as a cohesive family unit and let these bad memories fade.

My son is now 15, and he honestly doesn't remember his dad that much anymore. It's sad in many ways, but it's allowed those wounds to heal, rather than re-opening them every time there's a sign of hope, only to be followed by another disappointment. We still talk about him from time-to-time, and I never talked down about his dad. He was a beautiful, but deeply troubled person.

Whatever you decide, you deserve respect and applause for stepping up and raising someone else's child. I wish you and your SON all the best.

Answer 4

The only thing that seems ignorant is that you ask the question.

Taking care of your nephew is a wonderful thing to do. You are giving him a chance for a better life. I applaud you.

Seems like he will most likely always be in your care. Your brother in law has a pattern of misbehavior and it doesn't look like things will change.

I hope that you treat this little boy like he is your son.
All you have to tell him is that his parents weren't able to raise him becasue of some bad choices and that you loved him so much that you wanted him to live with you. Never give him more information that he needs. or too little information if he is old enough to understand. Make sure he knows that he isn't the sum of his parents mistakes, but he is the whole of who he is because of his own choices.

I say God Bless you for being a parent to your nephew.

Answer 5

Don't send the postcard!! I hoped it made you feel better by writing that stuff, but if you send it to him, he may twist your words around and try to use it against you later!You made a good move by getting custody of your nephew, now you guys need to both be the better person by acting maturely and setting a good example for the child. I understand that you're pissed off(I would be, too!)but you should let these foolish parents see the errors of their ways on their own and hopefully, they'll try to change. No matter what happens though, at least your nephew is in good hands now. His well-being is the most important thing!

Answer 6

First think of your nephew. It seems you are trying to raise him in a positive environment. You don't say how old your nephew is, only that you have had him for 6 years. I think you are on the right track with your nephew. Continue to tell your nephew his parents love him very much but they can't be with him now because they have to work out their problems. As far as the post card goes, I would respond just telling him everything is alright and he should take care of himself.

Answer 7

If it were me, I would send him a letter almost like the question you posted, telling him that you don't want to hear all the apologies over and over when he doesn't live up to them, and to try to impress on him how much pain he is causing his son. It probably won't make a lot of difference if he really isn't interested in changing, but who knows, maybe he will take it serious and shape up for his kid. I think you are wonderful to take the child in and try to give him some sense of normalcy, thank goodness he has you and your husband. Good luck.

Answer 8

You never discussed the mother! But in most scenario's if both parents are unfit it normally goes to the grandparents. And yes I do believe that is ignorant, maybe something more unjudgemental would've been better.

Answer 9

I wouldn't send anything. You are doing what is best for the child. If he had ties with his parents, it would only make things worse as he gets older. When he is old enough, he will understand and appreciate what you and your other half have been doing for him. Honestly, you are his saving grace!!

Answer 10

It's not ignorant. Don't feed into him begging for sympathy. If he's constantly in & out of jail, & he apologizes & then does it again, my friend states that that means that he's gonna feel like saying sorry means he can keep doing it again if u accept his apology.