Tell me a joke.?

Question

lookin for a good laugh so make me laugh

xoxoxoxo

Answer 1

two peanuts were walking down the street

one was a salted.

Answer 2

A guy walks into a bar and he sees a barrell full of money and asks the bartender what the barrell full of money is for. The bartender says put a dollar in and i'll tell you the man puts the dollar in and the bartender says there's a horse out back and you have to make him laugh. The man says ok and goes to do so. About a half an hour passes and the man comes back to inform the bartender that his horse is laughing. the bartender says what did you do? The man replies that he did not have to tell him and walks out with the money. Five yrs pass and the man goes into the bar...same scenario, only he has to make the horse cry. The man puts a dollar in and goes back and comes back in ten seconds later and says that his horse is crying. The bartender refuses to let the man leave until he tells him what he did both times. The man says, "The first time you told me to make him laugh, so I told him mine was bigger, The second time you told me to make him cry, so I proved it." Based on my true story.

Answer 3

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the
afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what
happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.

(I just LOVE reading this next line again and again)




"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

Answer 4

a guy went into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder so a guy in the bar says why do you have a monkey on your shoulder the guy with the monkey says he is a singing monket the other guy says what does he sing well the the with the monkey says light up a match and put it under his armpit and you will see so he does the monkey starts singing noel ,noel then the guy sayes does he sing any thing else the guy with the monkey says light up anthor match and put it under his other armpit so the guy does that and the monkey starting singing silent night holy night and the the guy with the monkey says he sings one more song the the other guys askes what is that?/ ant the guy with the monkey says light up a match again but this time put it betwwen his legs so that guy does that and then the monkey started singing cestnuts roasting on an open fire

Answer 5

A man is flying and he is in first class and he has to use the bathroom, but the men's bathroom is in use and so he asks the stewardess to please let him use the women's. She finally agrees to let him use the women's but he has to promise not to touch any of the buttons. He is in the bathroom and he notices 4 buttons - ATW, ATD, ATP, ATR. He wonders what they do and pushes the first one ATW - out comes a warm stream of water that washes his butt - automatic tush wash. He thinks wow these women have it really good. He pushes the second button ATD and out comes a warm stream of air that dries his butt - automatic tush dryer. He is thinking these women have it really good. Then he pushes the third button, out comes an arm with a powder puff and it powders his butt - automatic tush powder. He starts thinking these women have it really soft. They don't have to do anything. Then he pushes the fourth button the ATR.



The next day he wakes up in the hospital and he asks the nurse what happened. She says you must have really been enjoying yourself when you pushed that last button - ATR - automatic tampon removal - your penis is under your pillow.

Answer 6

Two guys walk into a bar.
The third guy ducks.

Q. How many guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. 3 - 1 to screw it in and 2 to cheer him on.

Q. How many polish people does it take to screw in a ligthbulb?
A. 101 - 1 to hold it, 100 to spin the house.

Q. How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. 1 - she just holds it and waits for the world to revolve around her.

Q. How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how they got in there.

A blonde woman is speeding in her new convertable. A blonde police officer pulls her over. The blonde officer asks for her I.D. The blonde woman has trouble finding it so the blonde officer tells her it's the thing with her picture on it. So the blonde woman pulls out her compact, looks in it and sees herself, and hands it to the blonde officer. The officer looks at it and says "Why didn't you say you were a cop, we could've avoided all this trouble"

Answer 7

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named you daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom Ann, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
"Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Answer 8

Yo momma so ugly she looks like michal jackson in the middle of an opperation .

Answer 9

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 10

There once was a pirate named Bates,
Who dreamed he could rumba on skates.
He fell on his cutlass,
And now he is nutless,
And also,
Quite useless
On dates

Answer 11

there was this japeness dude who went to the grocery store and learned a new word me me me ok so he went to the candy shop and he learned another new word he stole my lolly pop ok so he went to home and on a commercial and learned another new world plug it in plug it in. one day there was a man who got shot and a group of people and the police gathers around the man including the japeness dude the police said "who did this'' the japeness dude said ''me me me'' then the policemen said ''why'' then the japeness dude said '' he stole my lolly pop'' so the policemen said ''your goin to jail and goin to get electracuded and die then the japeness dude said '' plug it in plug it in'' lol i hope you liked it love ya like a sis bye