Am I over-reacting? Or do I have a right to be mad?

Question

My boyfriend & I were talking about how we want to get married, & about having an outside wedding. When he casually mentioned this to his parents, his mom said 'well I wouldn't go'. Reason being they are very catholic & traditional. Shortly after this my boyfriend decided that he wanted our wedding to be recognized by the catholic church, in which apparently you have to get married inside a church or else get special permission. I dont want to get married in a church, I am not religious at all, I dont believe in god. I was fine with incorporating catholic aspects into the ceremony but I am not comfortable with it being completely catholic because that is not who I am. To top things off when he talked about it with his parents another time when he was inquiring as to whether you are allowed to be married outside of a church, his mom said to him 'dont worry we'll make it so that [i'm]comfortable' having it in a church.I really dont think its her place to say that, what do you guys think?

First off to clarify to some, he only changed his mind after his parents said something, which scares me. We have talked about children and I have agreed to baptism and all that other catholic stuff as long as it is what they want, if our children ever want to explore other possibilities than it is fine by me I will support them in whatever they choose with good reason. As for those who are saying I need to respect his religion, I am. I said that we should definitely incorporate some catholic aspects into the ceremony as well, I respect his religion and him and want it too be something that is valued to him. However i dont want it to be one-sided. I want it to represent both of us, and we both love nature so that's where my mind went... I just dont understand the reasoning if you believe in god, then didnt he create this world? Shouldn't being married outside in what I would argue (if I believed in god) is his most beautiful creation be alright?

Answer 1

it's not HER wedding!!!!! i'm not Catholic, but I am Christian, and I had an outside wedding...AND I married a wiccan. So, do what's best for you and what will make YOU and your significant other happy! Especially since once you get married, it's "OUR" life...not "my life" and "his life". Your bf's mother HAD her wedding...she should let you plan and carry out your own!!!

Answer 2

It sounds like you have several issues going on at the same time the first one being the differences in religious beliefs. Big Problem!! I f you are already having problems with this then you both should be in couples counseling. The second one is the in-laws problem. I hear resentment from you about his mother's input in the wedding plans. Well, if she's going to be your mother-in-law then you two need to have a talk. There is a long time ahead that you are going to be in contact with each other (remember this is your husband to Be's mother, the woman who will be your children's grandmother so things need to be put into perspective.) If a church really makes you that uncomfortable, then maybe marrying a Catholic man is not for you. Even if you are not Catholic there will be many ceremonies throughout your live together that will take place in the Church from your children's baptism to their first Communion. Are you planning to balk at all of these as well. After all, he's getting married too. Is it that much of a problem to get married in the Church? What about an outdoor reception? Compromise is something you are going to have to learn if you want to get married and stay married. Slow your roll Hun. Make sure you both know what you're getting into before you LEAP down that aisle.

Answer 3

Speak to the Priest about the possibility of having the ceremony outside (some Catholic churches have very beautiful gardens on the premises) and then just go through with the Catholic ceremony. The only important thing is that you both love each other, want to be married and spend the rest of your lives together.

Just to let you know, my husband is a recovering Catholic and he didn't want the whole "circus" so we were married at the courthouse - just us and two of our children a month before the youngest was born. (We have been together for 14 years and married for one.) When it comes time for our children to marry and if they want a Catholic ceremony, then there will be problems because our marriage isn't recognized by the church, but we'll deal with that when the time comes.

You both need to do what is best for you.

Good luck!

Answer 4

there is so much negativity about the Catholic church and it's because people don't understand it.

I can understand why you would be mad. But I would really try to be open minded about the situation and just ask more questions! It sounds like your boyfriend's mother is really open to making sure you ARE comfortable. But the thing is, is that she needs to explain to you the importance of a Catholic ceremony.

You may not have the same faith as your future husband, but you have the responsibility to understand the faith that he grew up with, where it came from and why these traditions are so important. It sounds like a lot, but I think you and your boyfriend will grow closer than ever by learning together.

The mother is only looking out for the best interest of her son. But when it comes down to it, the decision is not only yours, but between you and your future husband.

I really hope that I haven't sounded too harsh. I am only trying to be honest. Cheer up! You're not even engaged yet! Get a ring on your finger first and then we'll start talking!

Answer 5

I understand this...my parents are catholic while I am not, and his parents are strict baptist...which he is not. Yet both our parents suggested we marry in a church...well actually his mom through a fit, and my mom kind of hinted about getting married in her church.

Anyway...I think you and your fiance need to talk and discuss why he believes so strongly about marrying in a church. If the reasons are his own personal convictions you may have a harder time figuring this situation out. However if he is only feeling this way because of his mother I would suggest telling him how you feel.

That it is your wedding as well, and that you are allowing some catholic traditions to take place for him, but tell him that you need to have your spiritual needs met as well. If you feel you don't believe in what you are doing on your wedding day than what is the point? The day needs to be meaningful for both of you. Once you and your fiance have settled on a conclusion than you should speak to his mother about what desicion you made and why you made it. Let her know that you have differing thoughts about religion and that you also want to be true to yourself.

Good luck with your wedding and marriage

Answer 6

Man, there sure is a lot of mis-information in these answers above!

First off, you are not required to take "religious classes" but anyone getting married by a Catholic priest will need to have pre-marriage counseling. You and your boyfriend will need to arrange to meet with a priest several times for pre-marriage counseling before you will be able to get married by the Church.

Second, a Catholic priest does not need to perform the ceremony inside a church in order for it to be recognized. But you would know this if you started the counseling, or sat down with a priest instead of getting your information from interferring future in-laws.

My advice: You and your boyfriend should sit down with a priest for a half-hour or so and talk through the mechanics of the whole thing. Write down your questions beforehand, and don't hold back any questions. The Church actually wants to get these questions answered long before the actual ceremony.

Good luck.

Answer 7

If he's catholic then that is right it won't be recognized by the church unless u receive special permission or u get married in the church......If u don't want a traditional wedding in the church u might want to contact the church and ask them about it..maybe u can have an outside weddding and still get it recognized by the catholic church.
Maybe u could have your outside wedding and then have another like small blessing ceremony in the church so that the church will recognize it.
I have seen people get married without the church recognizing it....for certain reasons and then u usually have to go talk to a priest and find out what u have to do to get it recognized in the church....and usually u have a small little ceremony where the priest blesses the marriage...it's not a big catholic deal in my book..they just looked like they were renewing their wedding vows..
the reason why its so big with having the marriage ceremony in the church is because they like to do the wedding ceremony at the altar.....it's not really the inside the church thing..it's getting married on the altar....because it's holy ....and a very sacred thing with catholics.I don't really know how to explain it really good...u should call the parish office and ask about it and if u need the stuff explained ask them about it...u should be able to have your wedding the way u want it.....but u might have to bend a little to get it recognized in the catholic church.....cause to get it recognized theirs at lest a small ceremony(doesn't have to be very long..the one i went to this year they got their marriage blessed and recognized after being married for a lot of years) and the ceremony was like 5 minutes so if u don't want the traditional wedding u need to be calling the church and getting information that way....u and your boyfriend can both get what u want....u just need to call and get the information to find out what u have to do.....
ohhh and maybe to appease the mother in law to be u can tell her that your going to get it recognized in the church(well at lest if she goes to the outside wedding) but u don't have to agree with her beliefs..and she should show some respect and respect your reasons why u don't want to have the wedding in the catholic church....but i do hope you'll call and see about getting it recognized in your fiancee's church.Since thats important to him.
Basically do whats comfortable for u and your fiancee....it is your wedding....and good luck....and congradulations on your wedding to be.

Answer 8

I don't think you're overreacting at all. Paraphrasing Fred Rogers, when faced with an injustice, we usually get mad, and what a healthy thing that is! Because if we didn't experience indignation, we wouldn't act to change things.

First off, it is your wedding. Your future mother in law has the right to have an opinion and decide not to attend, but she's out of line in imposing her views on how and where the wedding should be performed.

Now, whether your husband-to-be has the balls, the gumption to stand up to his parents in this matter is yet to be seen. Unless, of course, he's been siding with his mother's religious views all along, which I believe is the case here. My clue was how you two have spoken about having children and the catholic faith's involvement in raising them (baptism, etc.).

You have a serious talk to have with your boyfriend to gauge whether it's paramount for him to have a church wedding or okay to have the wedding outside with no conditions attached. I would advise against making it a "it's your church or me"' discussion, though.

Additionally, I would advise against making compromises (i.e., agreeing with religious rites that you find to be at odds with your own beliefs) just to keep the family peace. Chances are, his mother's comments are just the beginning of a very tortuous mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship. You're not just marrying your boyfriend, but his family along with him.

Answer 9

Okay this is from someone who got married to her Roman Catholic husband in a Lutheran church and this marriage is recognized by the Catholic church.
1. Go to his priest. Talk with the man. You may be surprised to find that he will work with you. Yes you need special permission, but what this involves is a pre-nup signed by you the non Roman Catholic agreeing that the children would be baptized catholic. Now I made an agreement with our priest that when the children are old enough to first communioned it would be catholic, but the confirmation was to be the child's choice, not mine, not his, or my husband's. So my pre-nup states the children are to be baptized catholic (most churches accept this form of baptism) and they would have first communion in a catholic church, but the children would choose where and when they would go through confirmation. We had to go through all the Catholic advising before marriage, which is bunch of garbage, but it got us the permission that the Catholic church would give. We then got married in my Lutheran church with a Lutheran pastor and a Catholic priest. It will work out, but you have to understand, he wants his parents to come to the wedding and some Catholics are very strong in their beliefs and believe that only a Catholic wedding would do. But go with him to his priest and start the process of talking. If at the end of these sessions, you are still having doubts about your boyfriend, then break up with him it will be the best thing you can do for both of you. I have never told my husband he has to go with me to church or vice versa. We both agreed that the children are the ones who have to choose what they want to believe or not believe and we can only love them. Good Luck. Remember it will work if you really and truly want it to work.

Answer 10

I am not religious at all and I don't belive in god either. My husband's parents are catholic and they go to church every week and they do the sunrise service on Easter. The first Easter that we spent with them (we weren't married yet), we were visiting from out of town, and they expected us to get up and go to sunrise service. Well, we were celebrating our anniversary and I told his mom we were not getting up that early. The next morning at our Easter breakfast she would not talk to us, but she got over it before we left. She still asks every Easter, now we live in the same town as them, but we always say no. We just got married this past June and we had an outdoor ceremony. She knew of our plans well in advance, and she wasn't happy that it wasn't going to be in a church and that we weren't wearing tuxes. We did khakis and hawaiian shirts and the girls wore knee-length dresses. Never in a million years would I have let her dictate how my wedding would be and neither would my husband. She got over it and ended up helping me with all of the planning because my mom is not around. I think you should have the wedding that you want, not that they want. We even hired a notary to perform the ceremony and there was no mention of god at all. You should see if a catholic priest would perform an outdoor ceremony, sometimes they will do that. If a person does believe in god, wouldn't you be closer to him outside than cooped up in a church? You need to tell your fiance to have som b*lls. If he's a push over when it comes to his mom now, it will only get worse later. Sit down with him and work something out. This wedding day is not about his parents, it's about celebrating the love you two share. And it has nothing to do with any god. Maybe she would be happy if a catholic priest perfromed the ceremony, but it's still not her place to make your wedding decisions. I'm sorry to go on and on, but the comment about how she'll make it comfortable for you to get married in a church really ticked me off. Who does this woman think she is? Whatever you do, don't let her decide this. You guys need to put your foot down now, but in a nice way, she is till his mother. Good luck and I hope you have the wedding that YOU have always dreamed of!

Answer 11

Would his family be open to a compromise? How about have the ceremony the way you want it, in a garden or where ever you'd like. THEN have the religious ceremony (and keep it small) with the priest and all that. You can even do the religious ceremony before the "main" ceremony as well, like the day before. My best friend is Lutheran (doesn't practice though) and her hubby is Catholic, that's what they did, and it seemed to appease her mother in law. But she had to agree that their children would be raised as Catholics, so you want to really think that one over. She takes the kids to their CCD classes, to mass, etc. She's the one who makes sure they've memorized their prayers and stuff before they took First Communion, and before Confirmation. Catholicism is more than just going to church on Sunday, it's a lifestyle. You better be willing to live that lifestyle, or your going to have major problems with your marriage.