Has anyone got any good limericks they can tell me? Best 1 gets ten points?

Question

The ruder the better but does not have to be

Answer 1

ok, one that my sister used to say to wind me up

There once was man named Aidy
who was known to be very shady
he gave us some stick
so we cut of his dick
and now he is aidy the lady

Grrrrrrrr

Answer 2

The limerick is furtive and mean

You must keep her in close quarantine

Or she sneaks to the slums

And promptly becomes

Disorderly, drunk and obscene.








Linda Blair with great favour confessed,

She'd been exorcised, thus finding rest,

But alack and alas

Her old demon came back

and now the poor girl's repossessed.







The was an old man of the isles

Who suffered severely from pisles

He couldn’t sit down

Without a deep frown

So he had to row standing for misles







There once was a sculptor named Phideous

Whose sculptures by most were thought hideous

He carved Aphrodite

Without even a nightie

Which shocked all the fussy fastidious







'Tis a favourite project of mine,

A new value of pi to assign.

I would fix it at 3,

For it's simpler, you see,

Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9






There was a young girl from Rabat,

who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat;

It was fun in the breeding,

But hell in the feeding,

When she found she had no tit for Tat.










There Once was a Man called Reg

Who Went with a Girl in a Hedge

Along came his wife

With a big Carving Knife

And cut off his meat and two veg

Answer 3

There was a girl name of Starkey
Who had an affair with a darky
The result of her sins
Was triplets not twins
One black, one white, and one khaki

There was a policeman down at the junction
Who's penis had long ceased to function
for the rest of his life
he satisfied his wife
With the dexterous use of his trunction

There was a girl name of Dodd
who thought all babies came from God
but it wasn't god all-mighty who lifted her nighty
It was Rodger the lodger the sod.

Also as a bonus a couple of Confucian sayings

"Man in bath playing with tool not necessarily plumber"
"Man who fill tart with cream not necessarily pastry cook"

Answer 4

A man from Sault St Marie
said spelling is all greek to me
until they spell Sault without any U
or an A or an L or a T

Answer 5

There was a young girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought babies came only from God.
T'wasn't the Almighty
Who lifted her nightie.
T'was Roger the Lodger by god!

There once was a man named Dan
He once ate beans from a can
His colon swelled
his wife said oh well
and what rhymes with dan and can?

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose d*** was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a c#%+ I would f*** it!"
(Sorry that one was really bad i had to * out some stuff Sorry *-*)

Answer 6

There was a young woman from Twickenham,
Whose boots were too tight to walk quick in 'em,
She bore them a while,
But at last, at a stile,
She pulled 'em both off and was sick in 'em.

There was a young man from Bengal,
Who was asked to a fancy dress ball,
He said 'I'll risk it'
'And go as a biscuit,'
But a dog ate him up in the hall

:)

Answer 7

There once was a man from Adair
Seducing his maid on the stair
The banister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And he finished her off in midair.

There once was a man from Boston
Who bought himself a little Austen
There was room for his ***
And plenty of gas
But his balls fell out and he lost'em

There once was a hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
As the summer grew torrid
The odor was horrid
But think of the money he saved!

There once was a man from Madras
Whose balls were made out of brass
He clanged them together
And played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his ***

Answer 8

Ever seen Briget Jones?

There was a woman from Neeling
Who had a peculiar feeling
She lay on her back
And opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceeling

Ahhhhhh, british comedy. What would we do without?

Answer 9

There once was a technician named Lil.
That took a chance on a Nuclear Pill.
They found her vagina,
in South Carolina,
and her boobs in a tree in Brazil!

this one's good too!!

There was a young fellow named perkin
Who was always jerkin his gherkin
His father said perkin
Stop jerkin your gherkin
Your gherkins fer ferkin not jerkin

Answer 10

There once was a man from Nantucket,
who kept all of his cash in a bucket.
His daughter named Nan
ran away with a man.
As for the bucket, Nan took it!

There once was a man from Calcutta
who spoke with a terrible stutter
at breakfast he said
"I'll have b-b-b-bread
and b-b-b-b-b-b-butter."

There once was a sailor from Brighton
who said to a hooker "you're a tight one"
she said "bless my soul
you are in the wrong hole!
There is plenty of room in the right one!"

There once was a man from Nantucket
whose dick was so long, he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
as he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a **** I could fuckit"

Answer 11

There was a wee man from Skye
Who fell into a steak pie
his ars* it got burnt
he called the baker a c**t

and gave the baker a black eye
boom-boom