I don't know what to believe about myself anymore. Why am I always battling myself?

Question

I have people problems and problems with myself. I'll be talking ot someone and be fine doing that but then I'll suddenly not want to talk to the person. Suddenly I hate the person even. I've broken up with many boyfriends because I just love interest in them. I create in my mind plausible reasons to do this. I get attracted to strangers. But then I want to go back out with previous boyfriends. I like to have sex with them but then in the middle of the deed freak out and not want to. I've been sexually abused in the past and moved around a lot so I never really had many friends. The past 5 years all I've had are boyfriends for the most part. I've had bouts of depression and with each bout they get worse. A lot of times I feel completely separated from myself. I have no idea who I am. I have this weird concept that I'm other people. I forget people or rather how I feel about them. As soon as the person is out of my sight I don't miss them. What is wrong with me? Has anyone heard of this

Answer 1

You didn't mention your age, but in my life I was also sexually abused, and then sexually misused for the rest of my life, even now. In my life I have come to be both my own best friend, and my own worst enemy. It seems you have so much held in, and the mistrust is natural, I think, considering both the abuse, and constant moving. You didn't get a chance to put down roots, or to really say this is where I'm from, this is home, and that causes a certain insecurity, (I personally grew up in one small town, but with my daughter, we moved alot, so she has that same problem. ) Just know that you aren't alone, tho I can't totally relate to everything you're saying, I would suggest counseling, maybe at a church, or a free clinic, if you can't afford to just find a therapist. I had one myself, and it feels good to finally be heard, and know that my feelings are justified, and that I'm not crazy, or insignificant. He recommended a book to me called "My Toxic Family". Please seek help, you deserve to live life to the fullest, to fulfill your dreams, and be all that you can.

Answer 2

I hope that you have had some counseling for the sexual abuse. If not, seek it now. There are agencies that can help you. It sounds to me like you are having these feelings because you are confused about what works for you. Life is confusing in general, but add abuse of any kind and tie it all up with a history of depression and you have yourself a mess.

I strongley suggest talking to someone. Maybe even just getting it out to a friend would help, but perhaps you would benefit from an anti-depressant medication.

Answer 3

be patient everyones feel like that at some point in their lifes. Usually when one is young. Be patiant and try to get out of that shell little by little. You'll be fine. Work on your self esteem. Remember you cannot truly love your self until you learn to love people.

Answer 4

I hope you will be able to clarify not to confuse what you feel.
i think you were learned not to trust yourself,
(you can contact me later if you want to)