How to break this vicious link?

Question

I have already placed this q. in "Relationships", but the answers seemed not to grasp what it was about. So I give it another try.

Every time when my husband and I have a row, he gets a text or a mail from his ex. This could not be a mere coincidence, because we are quarreling very rarely – 1-2 times a year. And every time there is a message from her.

It seems that this woman senses the moments when our relationship is most vulnerable. Or, maybe, she even causes it?

More details on the situation could be found here: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AkbkhTZp_jGu6cgRcRdVO4jsy6IX?qid=20060731071916AAE3ZQQ (My question “What to do with a clingy ex?”)

Folks, thanks a lot for your input.

It is actually not her messages that make me upset. It is this weird connection between our rows and her contact efforts.
I feel like there is smth out of our control, which I can't explain, that is.

Yes, we do live like she does not exist. (When the last msg came, my husband couldn't even figure out at first, who was that). Yes, he has changed his mail-addresses and telephone numbers more than once. No, we can't restrain her on a basis of harassment, because her msgs are never threatening, they are just: "Hey, how are doing?"

I like the idea of the mock ritual very much, and we actually have tried it. Last spring my husband made a toy boat, fixed his old wed ring on it and send it down the river with his best wishes and farewell. It only worked for about 6 months.

Phoenix,
I like your answer best of all, but
unfortunately, what works on dolphins seems not to work on this steady person. She hasn't been having any reinforcement for her behavior for YEARS (exactly speaking for 7.5 years) - that is, neither of us replied her msgs, nor met her nor mentioned her to any friends or relatives or neighbours. She matters as little to us as the weather in Tuvalu.
We also never advertise our rows in the local media :) , we are not likely to have any common friends with her (at least they are not known to me). We do enjoy a great, balanced, trustful and fullfilling relationship.

But this very strange connection does exist, nevertheless. I am not jealous, suspicious or else.
I am plain scared - if the woman was able to text all those years long without a single response and everytime it "coincided" with our rough patch, then what else one may expect ?

Answer 1

Send her some ground beef and explain that this is what she will end up like if she doesn't back the f* off.

More seriously, completely ignore her. Do not respond in any way. Live as if she does not exist. If she texts, ignore it. Whatever she does, ignore it (unless she starts to disrupt your life, then have her arrested). She would not keep trying to contact you guys if she did not get any response from it. It works on dolphins, and I know she is probably not that smart ; ) but surely it will work on her.

Also, you and your husband should have a mock ceremony of some kind exorcising her from your lives. Do whatever you want, but make it grand. After that, she no longer exists and the ignoring continues. It will help you guys deal with it and serve as the official end point of her existence in your world and thus your relationship with her. (after that, don't even talk about her, even if she tries to contact you)

Answer 2

Have you considered that her message could be a reply? To an email or phone call from your husband?

Yes, I agree that if it happens more than once or twice it is unlikely to be concidence.

I don't understand, though, why an email from your husband's ex-wife gets you upset. Does this woman have a history of interfering in your marriage? Are you afraid that your husband still loves this woman? Are you jealous of her taking any of your husband's time?

I don't see anything in your question that would warrant all the energy you seem to be putting into worry about the ex. However, if it still bothers you, please sit down with your husband and tell him how it makes you feel - using "I" statements, please.

Answer 3

If you get an email from her it is because she has your email address. She cannot send you anything otherwise. So where did she get your email address? From a mutual friend or relative? Do you or your husband broadcast your rows to others who might be spreading it around? If so that could be the reason.