My fiancee and his job..?

Question

I moved from British Columbia to be with my fiancee in Ontario. I've lived in the country for years, and couldn't imagine living in the city (he works in Toronto), so we bought a small acreage about 1-1/2 hours outside of the city. Its a long commute, he's gone 12 hours a day, and is tired and moody when he gets home. He loves his job though. Thats why we moved here (me and my 2 kids), because he didn't want to give up his job. I guess it was ok for us to give up everything else though. AT that point, he had worked this job for 4 years..now he's been there 6 years.
He's been treating me weird lately, hardly talking to me. I've tried making conversation, he gives me as short an answer as he can and never tries to make more conversation. His boss told him if he went into management, he'd have a better chance of working somewhere closer to home. I think he likes it where he is though and isn't even trying to move closer to home. He's always tired with the commute.

I'm starting to resent his job. I've given up so much, more than that stupid job is ever worth (my 14 year old son just moved 5000 kms back to BC to be with his dad), so not only did I give up my home, I've lost my son too...and yet, he refuses to try and make life easier, by finding work closer to home. I feel I've given up so much to be here with him, and he's given up nothing. He says no opportunities have come up, but I find it hard to believe that in all the years he's been there, not one job has come up that is even a little bit closer to home. He likes the job he's at, he likes who he works with, but I have to deal with his moody self when he comes home tired every night because of the long commute. I feel I've given up so much, why can't he sacrifice something for me for once? Im just feeling bitter towards him right now and his stupid job.

I have a lot of pets that I brought with me, including 2 horses, so we must live on some sort of acreage. Anything with acreage any closer to the city, is too expensive..plus I don't want to uproot my daughter to yet another school. I feel stuck.

Answer 1

I think that you are going to have to talk to him about what is going on. Not only did you uproot and move yourself, you also took your children with you. Don't assume it will get better once you are married. This sounds like a preview of things to come unless you can get a handle on the situation and figure out what is going on. If it doesn't work out, I would move back to BC and get a fresh start. Good luck

Answer 2

This is a very two-sided proposition. On the one hand, it's easy to sympathize with you, but on the other hand, you knew what you were getting into when you moved to Ontario. (And probably the current heat wave isn't making you feel any better about anything...)
However, the area can't be completely devoid of civilization. Yes, it's a bummer to be there all day with only your kids (you didn't say how old they are, and that can make a difference) but no matter what their ages, there must be some place you can go, some place to meet people, some place to make new friends. Sign up as a volunteer -- most communities are always looking for volunteers. If you go to church, check out their out-of-church activities. Join a health club. Find a job. There are several warning signs on the horizon that you should be paying attention to. He is away for most of the day, and doesn't want to talk when he gets home. He's treating you weirdly. He doesn't want to work closer to home?
It sounds like your relationship is wearing thin, and there may even be someone else he's attracted to. Work on the premise that it's going to come to an end in the fairly near future, and prepare yourself.
If it turns out he's just exhausted, frustrated at work, worn out physically and emotionally, he's going to be more turned on by a finacee who is alert, alive, outgoing, has other interests and is independent. If he doesn't want to continue the relationship, you're in a far better position if you've started building a life for yourself.
That's the sad truth. It isn't as though you were married, so he doesn't have the same ties to you, or the same responsibilities. But that works both ways -- you are free to find other interests as well.
Good luck, girl!

Answer 3

Oh come on. He commutes so far, you are feeling displaced, have kids and he acts tired when he comes home. Hate to tell you but it seems that you are headed for a breakup. Now before this happens you need to sit down and have a no holds barred conversation regarding your life. No if's and or but's but people can weather being apart if there is communication. Abviously you have none as I wouldn't care how tired I was, I would take time to say I love you and explain that I know the commute sucks but ultimately..... just say I love you and try to come to a solution. Because making your other happy and feeling safe is what it is all about when you are a man. I am rambling but to bottom line.... communication is the key and it does really sound as if you should pack up the kids and go home. Though he does deserve a chance to be heard and explain before you go.

Answer 4

Well you can feel bitter but what is more important to you... where you live? or your relationship?

Maybe he is blaming the commute on you. He loves the job, fine. Dont make him go get another one for something as dumb as "what it used to be." A job is VERY important in the U.S right now with the economy. I would say move closer to the job and get him back to normal attitude. I mean you already moved that far, mine as well go all the way. You might have to lose the countryside, but its better than losing your man!

Ask him what is really bothering him... you have given up a lot and you two have to meet at a compromise. All you want is for him to be happy, so find out what that will entail and if you can live with it.

Answer 5

Either something's gotta give, or you two have to break up. It's possible that, although you two truly love each other, you want different things and therefore are just not right for each other.

For various reasons, I don't believe in living together before marriage. Your fiance apparently will not budge, so the next move is up to you: either closer or further away. Either 1) move into the city to be closer to his job, or, better yet, he moves into the city and sees you on weekends, or 2) move to the city--into different places--and see how you like city living, or 3) move back home to British Columbia. If he won't follow you, thank him for the good times, and kiss him goodbye.

Answer 6

What was the question?

Ok so what I gather is your feeling like what your putting out, is not coming back in return. What you need to do is get a hobby one. Two you need to catch him unaware and hit him over the head with some romance to bring back a spark. As for his job he has worked hard to get to this position and it takes sacrafice from the family to make a successful career of it. Bringing up the issue would help.

Also make out a schedule a real one. There are 168 hours in a week, minus 55 or so for sleepy he has 113 hours to give to everyone. If his job takes 80hrs, then he still could spend about an average of 2 hours per day with you and still have time for micelanous matinence

Answer 7

I am sorry to say this but I think your relationship may be at or close to the end because if you did all that at least he could meet you part of the way.

By now he could have made arrangements with his supervisors for a transfer closer to home or switched to a similar position closer to home. Family time is very important and if you can not share this it makes no sense. Think long and hard and do what's best for you and your kids because this man is being selfish!!

Answer 8

why dont you just take the kids... pack your crap... and leave.

i think that will solve everything.