Do you think being committed to your bf/gf is putting the cart before the horse?

Question

Let me explain: I believe that we make the mistake of feeling betrayed when our boyfriend and girlfriend is seeing someone else. Well honestly having a bf or gf just simply means you're dating them. While dating you can date more than once person as long as you're honest! Not having sex, or devoted to one another. It is when you become engaged is when you have made the decision to exclusivly date one person with the promise of marriage and even though you're engaged you don't have sex. It's actually after you get married when you can start having sex and that you will have to honor your obligations to that person which is the reason why we vow and profess in front of everyone as the are witnesses to atest to this union!

I didn't do it this way however, American Culture has seemed to stray from this. I have had people of different ethnicities within my old highrise ask me why don't American marriages last..........? What am I to say you can answer this at this link...................

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Answer 1

I agree about waiting until marriage to have sex, I agree about staying platonic until you're engaged. I even agree about spending time with more than one person if you aren't - if it's really *just friends*. And I mean literally with more than one person simultaneously, if it's at that stage - going out in groups instead of alone.

However, I believe it's OK to actively consider and discuss marriage with only one person at a time. And I would not spend time alone with anyone else except that person without some concrete reason - business, or the need to discuss some pressing matter on a one-time basis that is not for public consumption.

And that would be my definition of bf/gf: a platonic relationship in which you are actively considering marriage with that one person in particular. And again, I think there you have to be faithful - in the sense of not doing that with anyone else - as long as marriage is still being actively considered.

And yes, I think that if you have such a relationship, you should at very least tell all your friends of the same sex, and any other person of that sex who shows signs of interest in a closer relationship.

Indeed, that process should begin the minute you formulate the intention to discuss marriage with a person - before you do it. You've got to have your affairs in order, make all your relationships fulfill the requirement of faithfulness - before you take any action. Bringing up marriage is only honest after that has happened.

I believe this requirement still exists even if marriage is not being actively discussed, as long as you yourself are actively harboring the hope of taking up the matter with that person again in the future - which is morally proper as long as they have not actively started considering marriage with anyone else.

And so you know, I've had various types of relationships, but I have basically kept to these requirements for over 20 years. The not spending time alone together without reason has been more recent, maybe in the past year or so. I think it's worth it to wait with all the stuff that I'm 'missing' by doing things this way rather than some other way.

Answer 2

If you don't show any commitment to your boyfriend, then he is not going to show any commitment to you either. Both you and he will be constantly looking for other partners to go out with.

And if such a situation continues for some time, then most likely either he or you will find someone else who will be more commited to his or her relationship.

It's ok to avoid commitment when you are still choosing who to be friends with. But once you have chosen, then you have to show commitment. Or else your relationship will not work.

I think that marriages fall apart so often now because many people don't know any more what their duties and responsibilities within the family are.

The man can be the breadwinner and the head of the household, or not. The woman can be the mother and a housewife, or not. There are no social expectations. And there are no social rules that say what each person's role and duties are.

Commitment involves doing your duty even when things get tough. But when you don't know what your duty is, then commitment is just an abstract idea that doesn't mean anything real or concrete.

Answer 3

Actually when in a COMMITED relationship U are seeing just one person. If U want to date then U date. There is absolutly nothign wrong with dating more than one person. But that's not a boyfriend. A boyfriend is defined as a favored male companion or a sweetheart. Would U really mind UR sweetheart dating others....NO! If you're dating there shouldn't be a title to the other person. Its a date. And UR daiting cuz UR looking for a sweetheart. When U find one U want to make it more of a commited relationship. That's when U start using the title 'boyfrend'. Your boyfriend, is someone whom you have chosen to see before you devote yourself to bigger things.

And the whole sex before your married thing....it's bu!!$hit. You make love to whom U love when UR old enuff to know what love is. Your vows ata wedding is to let the world know that the person is taken, and that U honor them by saying so and wearing a ring. Only certain religious groups beleive that sex before marriage is a sin. Of course these are usually the ppl that get married BECAUSE of a pregnancy, but hey what ever right?

Answer 4

well it all kinda depends on the context of the relationship. While I see where you are going, I can't say that I agree. I mean you hear about stupid middle school relationships that last anywhere for a few hours to maybe a week or two, and you can't help but think that it's just a stupid trend. But it you're older than that and you are in a relationship with a girl, then I think it should be exclusive. You shouldn't be dating someone unless you consider them more than a friend and would like to take your relationship further. I don't necessarily mean you two will get married or anything, (although its possible) but you should be able to see yourself with your date for quite some time.

Answer 5

North American culture accepted dating (in the true sense, seeing more than one person) as the norm as short as 50 years ago. I think when sex was thrown into the mix is when things changed. People feel obligated to remain exclusive once that level of initmacy is acheived...especially us women. It doesn't make much sense really, but then again either do emotions. I concur with you though...as long as I'm upfront about my status with the men I'm dating to avoid any misconceptions on his part as to my exclusivity, I don't think there is a thing wrong with going out socially with more than one. After a ring is in place however, all bets are off.

Answer 6

Alot of american marriages last even thought they aren't the so called fixed marriages where people are married to suit their family vs themselves. Very few wait to become sexually involved till after they are married and they still are together. It is a toss up and something that has become the norm in modern day society

Answer 7

Make sure you pick the right man who will love you and your daughter (I read your 360 page) and stick by the both of you. I can tell that you are a nice person and I wish you the best.

Answer 8

the way you state it is right, but, how many people actually wait til marriage before having sex these days? I think you would be hard pressed to find someone who is living this life style...

Answer 9

Very well put. And very true. But our society has really strayed from that ideal. It sounds simple, and it FEELS right. It's just way too oversimplified in today's day and age.

Answer 10

you're insane. if you have a bf or gf that is exculsive! wow sounds like your just making things up so you can cheat and not feel guilty