Best raunchy joke?

Question

The one that makes me fall out of my chair the fastest wins

Answer 1

There were three guys trying out for the CIA. All of them were in one room with the Director and outside this one room were three smaller rooms that the men had seen on their way in. The Director stands up to talk to the men and says, 'The CIA is a very select group. You have passed all of your other tests, but there is one final test you must pass before you can come work for me. Did any of you see the three rooms outside this room on your way in?' The three men nod. 'Inside each room are your wives. The final test you must pass before you will be allowed to join the CIA is one of devotion and loyalty. One by one I want you men to go into the rooms your wife is in and I want you to kill your wife.'

"The Director picks one of the men and tells him that his wife is in the room with the big roman numeral I on it. He nods silently and takes the gun from the Director and walks out. A few minutes later, he comes back in and hands the gun to the Director. 'I can't do it,' he says. 'She was my high school sweetheart and I cannot kill her, no matter what.'

"The Director tells him to leave and never come back. He hands the gun to the second man, who takes it and walks to the room with the roman numeral II on it, as he is told. A few minutes later he returns and is in tears. 'Mr. Director, I am sorry, but I can not do what you ask. As much as I want to work for the CIA, I cannot kill my wife. She is my sole support and I need her.'

"He tells the man to be gone and hands the gun to the third man. After telling him that he could be his deputy director if he accomplishes the task, the man nods and leaves the room. Shortly after the Director hears the door with the roman numeral III shut, he hears the gunfire. Bam, Bam, Bam, Bam, Bam, Bam, Bam. And then there is silence for a few seconds. Immediately following the silence, he hears a loud commotion and some screaming. He hears what he thinks is furniture being overturned and items being broken, but he does not want to interrupt. This goes on for ten minutes and then the noise dies out completely, interrupted by silence. After a minute of silence, the man emerges and the Director asks him what the hell was going on in there. The man said, 'You mistakenly put blanks in the gun, so I had to strangle the *****.'"

Answer 2

Funny Raunchy Jokes

Answer 3

A Horse, a Chicken & the Harley



On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!



Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.



Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!



Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.



A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.



The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.



The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!) ... scroll down ...





























"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

Answer 4

This Site Might Help You.

RE:
Best raunchy joke?
The one that makes me fall out of my chair the fastest wins

Answer 5

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo much.

However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said.... "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...

As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room!

Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. "You told me you penis was the size of an infant!", she said.

"Yes it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"


Also:


A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Melbourne. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a devon sandwich!!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen Darlin, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

Also:

A man goes into a repair shop to get his watch fixed. But when he sees that the girl running the store is extremely hot, he unzips his pants and lays his johnson on the counter.

Sir, what are you doing? This is a clock shop! the shocked girl shouts.

I know, he replies. I'd like to get a pair of hands and a face put on this.

Answer 6

Here's raunchy:
What is red and crawls up a girl's leg?
A homesick abortion.

Answer 7

>A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage
>bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and
>every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
>Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
>
>
>
>"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
>
>
>
>Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can
>still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
>
>
>
> Well, now, not so fast now," says the cop. "How did you get all that
>money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady.
>
>
>
>You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of Lambeau Field. Each
>time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes and right into
>my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge
>clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes,
>I say $20 or off it comes!"
>
>
>
>"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in
>the other bag?"
>
>
>
>"Well," says the little old lady, "some guys think I'm bluffing

Answer 8

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WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MICHAEL JACKSON AND ACNE??? acne doesn't come on your face till your 13!!!

Answer 9

SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Heck" said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Answer 10

There is a mouse in your hand.




Stand up and set on your chair again. Of course there is one

It's a computer.