tell me your best joke?

Question

please tell me your best joke

tell me your best jokes please

Answer 1

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says, "No."

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "OK! What do you think?"

He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

Answer 2

13 Reasons to Smile

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.



Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.



How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and over fifty for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"



I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."



Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!



Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.



Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"



And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Answer 3

How about a True Story Joke?

We have all had bad dates...but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter ... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.

All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance"! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As for the Tonight Show ... she took the prize hands down ... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment - - - - This gives a whole new meaning to being "pissed off."

Answer 4

A couple had been married 10 years.One afternoon, they were working in the garden together.As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Hey honey, you're getting fat.Your butt is huge.I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill."

Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's butt."Yep," he said," just what I thought, just about the same size."

The wife became incensed and left him gardening alone.She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.

When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it, honey?How about a little lovemaking?"

The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked.

She replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big *** grill for one little weenie, do you?"

Answer 5

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is
watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Answer 6

Maude and Claude were 91. They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose.

Answer 7

A little boy on his trycicle asked the man in the pickup next to him if he wanted to race. The man agreed, so when the stoplight turned red, he went 10 mph. The bot went back a little, then came back next to the man. him. So he went 30 mph. But he was still there. 50, then 80 mph, and the boy was still right next too him. So the man sped up to 100 mph. The boy was still there! The man pulled to a stop, as did the little boy.
The boy was breathing hard. The man asked him how he did that.
"gasp... gasp... My shirt was...stuck in your door!" the boy replied.

Answer 8

A lecturer was talking to his class of 1st year medical students in dissection hall

"There are 2 things you need to be a good doctor.istly, you must be disgusted by anything that has got to do with the cadavers (dead bodies)"

He then stuck his finger into the cadaver's anus and suck his finger right after that. Pointed to a student and told him to do the same thing.

Apalled student was horrified but follow suit anyway.

Once done, the lecturer continued to the 2nd thing to be a good doc- PERCEPTION.

"i stuck my index finger in but i sucked my middle finger!"

my fav medical joke!

Answer 9

one day a small child was riding his bike home from school, got hit by a car and died. he went to heaven and god gave him a tour of heaven.

the kid asked god "how are babies made?" and after a while they came over to an angel at a machine turning a crank with little white babies coming out of the machine on a conveyor belt and then dropping down to earth.

the kid asked god "can i try?"
so he started turning the crank and god and the angel started talking and walked away.

the the kid thought if he turned the crank faster he would make more babies and the world would be happeir since everyone likes babies. so he started turning it faster and faster, but nothing happend. so he turning it even faster and the babies turned brown, then black then the kid screams oh sh*t! im burnin em!

Answer 10

Chuck Norris' Tears Cure Cancer To Bad He Never Cryz.

Answer 11

wow i have loots of jokes... dunt know what the best one is but a really one is this one:
a little bunny is runnin arround in the jungle, and suddently he sees a bear smokin marijuana, so he says
-mr bear dont do that, better come and run with me, u'll feel better
the bear goes with him and they are runnin when they see a monkey with cocaine so they tell him
-mr monkey dont do that, better come and run with us, it'll make u feel better
so the monkey goes with them, they are runnin when they see a lion with heroin and the bunni says
-mr lion dont do that, better come with us, u'll feel better... the lion comes and kicks the bunni, he starts beatin his asz, when he stops the bunny is almost dead and the other ones ask him
-why did u do that? he was only helpin us
-that stupid rabbit makes me run like an idiot all day long everytime he is on crack!

this is ANOTHER stupid answer by:
Saint Jimmy

P.s: bush is a terrorist