Any1 know any really good jokes?

Question

I want long and funny ones. The one I find d funniest will get best answer.
I'm not intrested in vulger jokes.
txs

Answer 1

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how
angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the
mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this
somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have
flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new
location.

Answer 2

One day a dog walks into a butcher shop and just as the butcher is ready to swat him with the broom, he notices that the dog has a piece of paper in his mouth. The butcher opens it up and there is a ten dollar bill and the note says "lamb chops". So he bags up the order, thinking that this is pretty cool. He locks the door to the shop and decides too follow the dog. Down the busy street they went, the dog stopping at crosswalks, waiting for the lights to change until he comes upon a bus stop. He climbs up on the bench and waits for the bus to arrive. The butcher follows him onto the bus and sits in the seat just behind the dog and watches in amazement as he is checking out all the streets as they go by. Next, the mutt gets up on his hind legs and pulls the stop cord. They both get off the bus and the butcher follows the dog down a little street until he comes to what appears to be the dog's home. The dog lays the chops on the porch and takes a running leap, banging into the door. An old man opens up the door and says "get in her you stupid idiot !" The butcher couldn't hold back, sreaming, "Are you crazy ? That's the smartest dog I've ever seen !" To which the man replies, " Are you kidding ? That's the third time this week he's forgot his keys !"

Answer 3

Okay, there was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette who worked together in an office. They noticed that their boss always left early from the office and they thought they would too - so the next time the "boss" left early they took off.
The next day they were talking and the redhead said, "I sure did enjoy my afternoon off - I got my nails done. What did you do?" The brunette said that she went shopping. The blonde said nothing, just looked worried.
The redhead then asked, "Do you guys want to do that again? I mean get off early again today - I'm sure the "boss" will leave early again?" The brunette is agreeing by shaking her head "yes", but the blonde looks worried and says, "Gee, I don't know!"
"You know - yesterday, when I got off early, I just went home. I heard "noises" from the back of the house and begin to look in every room. I opened the bedroom door and saw the "boss" with my husband. I closed the door quickly - but, I almost got caught!"

Answer 4

An older married couple were driving along, the wife is hard of hearing and they get pulled over by a cop. Cop walks up to the window and ask "do you know why I pulled you over?" the wife goes what'd he say? the husband says he wants to know if we know why he pulled us over. The cop goes "Can I see your license and regristration please?" the wife goes what'd he say? The Husband says he wants to see my license, get the regristration out of the glove box. The Cop than is looking at the guy's license and he says "Mmm, Wisconsin, I had a bad sex experience in Wisconsin before" The wife goes what'd he say? The Husband goes Oh he thinks he knows you.

I think that's one of favorite ones to tell, Enjoy!!

Answer 5

A lecturer was talking to his class of 1st year medical students in dissection hall

"There are 2 things you need to be a good doctor.istly, you must be disgusted by anything that has got to do with the cadavers (dead bodies)"

He then stuck his finger into the cadaver's anus and suck his finger right after that. Pointed to a student and told him to do the same thing.

Apalled student was horrified but follow suit anyway.

Once done, the lecturer continued to the 2nd thing to be a good doc- PERCEPTION.

"i stuck my index finger in but i sucked my middle finger!"

my fav medical joke!

Answer 6

In one plane a chicken mistecly, in that plane a whole will occur it is big enough for a egg to fit, then the chicken would give the egg where does the egg go? the egg wont be there because the chicken have wear panties

Answer 7

KIDS IN CHURCH



3-year-old Reese:


"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,


Harold is His name.


Amen."

Answer 8

The one I have is vulgar and you don't want it so I am not telling.

Answer 9

short one...
"daddy, is it true that in china a man doesn't know his wife until they get married?"
daddy: "son, that that is true for every country"