My daughter just got dumped by her first real boyfriend (2 months). She's 14. He's 16. He did it by text msg.

Question

She told me this morning while getting ready for school. She is in 9th grade and this is her 3rd day of high school.No real dating, just phone calls and seeing each other at dances.He is a popular junior who plays football.I knew that it was a longshot for her but I knew better than to forbid her from talking to him because she may have rebelled and did it secretly.She's good girl and she's new to this boyfriend/girlfriend thing.I could tell that her feelings were hurt but I tried to be encouraging and let her know that it was his loss.She's pretty and other boys will surely pursue her, but I just want to protect her from being hurt and/or used. What's my role in this? How can I be there for her to confide in but not interfere? I love her so much but I know that she has to grow up and have her own experiences. She'll be 15 soon. How can I guide her with regard to boys without being overbearing?I am divorced and raising her and her sister alone. I know how guys can be from experience.

I know that she is too young to date. Talking on the phone isn't the same as dating. I can't be with her 24/7 and I do let her go to dances on Fridays if she's been respectful and done her chores. I know that this is small in the big scheme but to her it's large. My daughters do talk to me. Hence, I know a lot about what's going on in their life. I do stress education and focusing on her future. When I say pretty, I mean inside and out. I teach my girls that beauty begins inside and flows out. She will be able to have company come over in moderation at 15. She won't be able to go out on a date until 16. I am a parent who keeps it real. I can either be realistic or be shocked and disappointed. Peer pressure is strong and I am trying to be a constant force in my daughter's life even when she's not in my presence.

When I say that I want to know my role as a parent, I mean in this specific situation. If you are a parent of a teen, you know that your role tends to change with each passing year.

Answer 1

IT'S ALL PART OF GROWING UP. JUST TELL HER TO FORGET THAT PIECE OF TRASH AND GET A NEW GUY THAT WILL REPSECT HER. ANYONE BREAKS UP VIA A TEXT MESSAGE IS F***ING LOSER ANYWAYS, THEY JUST DON'T HAVE THE STONES TO DO IT FACE TO FACE OR AT THE VERY LEAST OVER THE PHONE!!

Answer 2

I have a 14 year old daughter and I talk to her about having guys as friends not so much the boyfriend thing. I explained to her that boyfriends seclude her from her other friends {girls and boys}. And they are the ones that will be around alot longer, after the b/f leaves. So far so good..... Im a mother of three daughters on my own too. Its hard to not tell them what you would prefer, but direct them in a positive way. Im an adolescence councillor and by telling her she is beautiful is great, but telling her this while talking about the ex b/f might eat alittle of her self esteem as a 14 yr old interprets this as he thought I was ugly. Telling her that other guys will pursue her at 14 is setting her up again for hurt. Really, we all know that true realtionships dont start at 14. Only pregnancies. And there is no future in that neither.
Tell her how you feel about boys, sex and relationships. You were 14 once yourself. Our society has changed but our bodies havent. Teach her to love herself and get a good career, as she is the most important person here.
May I also add that your daughter might be looking for the father/male figure in her life. Unfortunately we cannot be that as much as we try to be a soft nuturing mom and have the disipline side to us as well.
All I can suggest is communication in a positive manner and suggest she has everyone as friends.
Hope this helps u alittle.

Answer 3

I think the absolute best thing would be to let her know that you will be there for her no matter what! It's really great that you're concerned with her feelings right now, as some mothers wouldn't care either way! I know she's young and she doesn't realize that it wasn't something major...but still it hurts all the same.

I tell a lot of people on here that they are young (girls) and should have fun with their friends...join clubs at school, play sports, shop, be silly! Be young! Have fun! I'd let her know that her education is number one and after she gets that, she'll have lots of time for guys!

I didn't have my first relationship until I was 19 and it went bad, but I'm 23 now and I'm engaged to a wonderful man!

Answer 4

I think you should try to make her understand that older guys + younger girls = bad news. I know from past experiences that if you are getting involved with an older guy you barely know (2months) and you are new to dating then the guy might end up using you. Your daughter might have been dumped for that same reason. It is very popular in highschool now. Guys want to have sex with a girl she says she is not ready and then they dump them saying cheesy lines like; "oh its not you its me" or "this isn't working out, im still recovering from my last relationship". My best advice would be to just reassure your daughter of the dangers of highschool and dating older guys who you just met. You don't know thier pasts or who they really are. Make you know the whole story too, maybe try asking her friends if they know anymore (but don't embaress her) 14 year old girls don't always tell thier parents everything about relationships. A new experience with an attractive older guy can be overwelming for her and she doesn't want to look like a fool. After only 2months of dating I doubt she was really attached to him she just doesnt like being dumped. Try to boost her self-esteem maybe buy her new shoes or treat her and her friends to a movie or host a big slumber party. Something that would make her feel better than having some crappy old boyfriend.

One time to get over a break-up I pretended I already had a new boyfriend, (i said i met him at my cottage and he was asking me out for forever) and he was totally awesome and all I talked about was my imaginary boyfriend, The best part is my ex actually started getting jealous. =] good luck with your daughter

Answer 5

First she is too young to have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

2nd - I would stress to her that although she is hurt (it is important to acknowledge her feelings and not attack her judgement with this young man), it was inappropriate of him to do this over text. I mean what does that say about this young man that he could not be forthright and speak to her face-to-face. This is not the kind of young man any young woman would want to get serious with.

3rd - the other things you have done are fine. I wouldn't focus on her being pretty though being the reason for boys to pursue her. Our society focuses too much on looks and not "personality" and/or character. I would have added to that phrase you are smart, kind, and a great person.

I would not interfere but be certain to keep the lines of communication open. Rather than say "how was your day". I begin my questions for conversation with "describe" or "can you tell me about..." Communication is key, and honesty. Really acknowledge her feelings in everything. Validation is important

Answer 6

This is a very tough age. I remember when I was 15...Getting turned down by a boy you liked felt like the end of the world. It was hard to realize the insignificance of it. I would just try to keep her preoccupied with other things such as sports, hobbies, trips, etc...As long as she feels comfortable talking to you about anything, she will be more likely to come to you with any problems she may have. Just don't treat her like a child, make her feel silly, or tell her she is overreacting and she is more likely to come to you. And if you really want to know whats going on, make her friends or boyfriends always welcome in your home. It's better than not knowing where she is or what she is doing.
Don't they grow up fast?

Answer 7

I know it's got to be hard for her. Boys are just so dumb. As a mother myself, I wonder the same things about my role in these kinds of situations and my daughter is only 5. I think just let her know that you are here for her to talk to and that you love her. I'm sure the hurt is so new that it will take a while for her to open up. I think the fact she told you is a great beginning.

Answer 8

Just be her mom and her best friends. Let her know about your past as a young teenager and how you got hurt and that its normal and that the guy she was talking to was a punk and could not see her for who she is. You are right she as to learn as she gets older but being there and letting her know that you are there for her is all you can do. Just dont make it to the point where you close her out tell once or twice that you are here if you ever want to talk about anything.

Answer 9

ok im a guy, and i have loving parents who also talk to me with these kinds of things, and believe it or not i really do appreciate them talking to me about these kinds of things. Tell you daughter that one guy should not get her depressed. As you said nothing really happened so there isnt anything to lose from this except from the fact that something couldve gone right or wrong, and someone couldve been hurt. Apparently i wouldnt want my daughter dating or talkin to some guy who just ended the "relationship" by text message....come on what kind of man or as i should say BOY is he? Have some respect son. Tell her she has all of high school left, its gonna get crazier and better.

Answer 10

You could tell her your experiences with guys when you were younger. I know you trying to help her out and hoping she doesn't make the same mistakes as you did. All mother are same way when it come to their daughter and boys. Sometime you have to step down as a mother and become one of her friends. But meaning being friends, she will be able to tell you things and she will need your trust that you won't tell anyone. Right now she going through a face and its hard for a single parent to through. Trust me my mother had to go through it by herself with me because my father passed away when I was just 13 years old. For your daughter time will heal her heart. All she need to know is NO MAN/LITTLE BOY WILL GET THE BEST OF ME. WHATS GOES AROUND COME AROUND 3X HARDER. TO KEEP HER HEAD UP.

Answer 11

Tell her you know it hurts, that she's wonderful and that other boys will see that. You really shouldn't be involved in picking her dates (unless you need to inform her that you have investigated them and criminal records arose), but just in establishing boundaries about where she can go and for how long. You should know that if you criticize a boy she likes that will backfire every time. And you're going to have to have the extended reproduction/birth control/condoms talk with her immediately. We'd all love for our daughters to be virginal until they are married or at least adults, but unless we lock them up in the basement sometimes it doesn't go that way.