anyone got any good or funny quotes?

Question

any good quotes? like In every girls life there is a guy she will never forget and a summer where it all began! or "A man without a woman is like a vase without flowers. A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle." ??? or went from candy and toys to cell phones and boys. lol best one get 10 points

Answer 1

Compromise; a decision between a husband and wife to let her have her own way.

Answer 2

Fat people are brilliant in bed. If I'm sitting on top of you, who's going to argue?


In Montana, a policeman will pull you over because he’s lonely.


It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often they burst into flames.


I enjoy life. I think I'll enjoy death even more.


As soon as folk see my face on the movie screen they know two things: First, I'm not going to get the girl and second, I'll get a cheap funeral before the picture is over.

So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".

He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.

Laughter is higher than all pain.

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.

Not by wrath does one kill, but by laughter.

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

He who laughs, lasts.

Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many of them will own up to a lack of humor?

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

Good taste and humour...are a contradiction in terms, like a chaste whore.

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

A pun is the lowest form of humor -- when you don't think of it first.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Answer 3

The #1 cause of divorce is ... Marriage

you're so good that she only knows you were there because she misses something when you're gone.

My girlfiend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

Answer 4

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft in New York and took his seat. As he settled
in,
he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she
was
heading straight towards his seat And Bingo! She took the seat right
beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or
vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the
Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in France."
He swallowed hard. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly
asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he smiled, "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men
are
the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who

is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that
French
men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Indian descent.
We
have found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the
Afrikaners."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she
said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know

your name."
"Running Bear," the man said...."Running Bear Moodley, but my friends
call
me Frik."

Answer 5

A sign in a factory: Girls wearing long skirts-beware of machines. Girls wearing short skirts-beware of machinists.

"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep!

There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning!

"Alcohol kills slowly" So what? Who's in a hurry?

Alcohol can ruin a marriage - stay single!

"Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk!

"Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours!

God made relatives Thank God we can choose our friends.

My girlfriend ran away with my best friend and I really miss him!

God is Alive! Speak to Him! (It's cheaper after six!)

When two's company, three's the result!

Confucius say...Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.

Confucius says...If you want pretty nurse, you've got to be patient.


My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I said, "Where's the car?" She said," In the lake."

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

Young Son: Is it true Dad that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." "and what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all -money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman-then, BAM!, it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out...

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

Answer 6

A new definition of KISS:

It is a upper preparation for a lower invasion that will lead to further penetration in fast acceleration, that will build the next generation.

Answer 7

"THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE, BUT FIRST IT MAY MAKE YOU MISERABLE." (RICK WARREN)

"A MAN OF WORDS BUT NOT OF DEEDS IS LIKE A GARDEN FULL OF WEEDS" (anonymous)

"EXPERIENCE IS A HARD TEACHER BECAUSE SHE GIVES THE TEST FIRST, THE LESSON AFTERWARD." (VERNON LAW)

"THE LESS YOU TALK, THE MORE YOU'RE LISTENED TO." (ABIGAIL VAN BUREN)

"A SMILE IS A CURVE THAT CAN SET MOST THINGS STRAIGHT."

"GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE PEOPLE I CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE ONE I
CAN, AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW ITS ME." (JOHN G MILLER)

"SUNSET IN ONE LAND IS SUNRISE IN ANOTHER."

Answer 8

Passionate kiss, like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches *** should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Crowded elevator smells different to midget

Man stuck in pantry has *** in jam

"It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity."

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us.
Pigs treat us as equals.

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us.
Pigs treat us as equals.

1. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

2. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

3. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled a them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

4. What's another word for synonym?

5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do: 'practice'?

6. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

7. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

8. Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?

9. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

10. Why do they report power outages on TV?

11. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

12. Is it possible to be totally partial?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly that loses it wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

17. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

18. If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

19. If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?

20. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

21. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

22. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

23. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

24. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?