Should I forgive what my grandmother did to my dad and bro. many years ago? A few years ago, my brother told?

Question

me that my grandma molested him as a child. I started to laugh because I thought he was joking. When I realized he wasn't joking, I was in complete shock. I told him that if she did that to him she could have done it to our father also. Without telling my dad what I knew, I was able to get it out of him that my grandmother had done the same thing to him as a child. Both my brother and father seem to have been able to get over it. Neither of them wants to confront her. I, on the other hand, cannot let it go. We used to be close, but ever since I found out, I feel disgusted by the sight of her. She does not know that I know and probably thinks my dad and bro. were too young to remember anyway. She doesn't understand why I have become cold towards her, and the rest of the family thinks I am being awful to this sweet old lady. I can't even tell her what is bothering me because my dad and bro. don't want it brought up, and it is not my place to confront her.

Answer 1

This is enough to repulse and sicken anyone.

Firstly, I would sit down with my brother and father. I would ask them, "WHY? Would you burden me with this knowledge of Grandmother abusing you sexually, then expect me not to be angry, repulsed, and ready to fight for you." Ask them, what did they hope to gain by passing this knowledge to you? What was the expectation from you?

Because if this was a resolved issue in your brothers' and fathers' minds, then WHY tell you, and WHY burden you with all this pain.

This sounds as if your brother and father have not resolved this issue, and have merely dropped all their unresolved issues on your door step.

This is unfair to you. You must speak with them both. Tell them that you sympathize with the pain of being a victim. Explain to them, How telling you has burdened you, and that you need resolution.

Tell them that you expect them to seek counsel, and that you are perfectly willing to aid them in recovery and/or go along.
Tell them what you want to do-to confront Grandmother. Ask them, was this their intention, for you to fight their fights for them.
Then go from that point. Lay all the responsibility back on your father and brother.

Release yourself. Don't allow yourself to be victim to their cowardice.

Forgive yourself.

Because you are a loving, caring, strong, independent person with extreme loyalty to those you love, does not mean everyone else around you can be so bold.

Now you must protect yourself, by standing up for yourself, and showing your father and brother how it is done.
Good Luck!

Answer 2

It depends. Now that you know this do you still love her the same? If you just found out, try letting the dust settle before deciding. Are you struggling with feeling guilty for still loving her the same way? I always thought that a person had to ask for forgiveness in order to forgive them. But that's not true, it took me 40 years to learn that true forgiveness is given without the receiver even knowing that they have been forgiven. When I was 17 or so my sister confessed to me that my dad had raped her when she was 8. My dad had just past away so confronting him wasn't an option. Oddly enough I still loved my dad even though I was pissed at him. My sister never got mad a t me for still loving him, which really surprised me. Back to you, I just wanted to give you some of my history so you would know that I have some experience with your situation. I suggest you forgive her if you really mean it. She won't be around forever. Be there for your brother, but take care of yourself first. Otherwise you will be no good at supporting your brother, your grandma or the rest of your family. I hope this helped.

Answer 3

though they may not have any problems its a TERRRIBLE crime what u feel with wit realized is what u feel you wont be able to change i would encourage keeping children away from her. Many the molester has control over its victums and i truly beleive u can't ever heal from that kinda of hurt i'm sure they think about it everyday and become very insecure and confused. I dont think u should confront her becuase it may bring the family apart but i do think wit ur father and broters permission let the rest of the family kno ur grandmother for what she did and if they feel harshly about press charges a childs life is a precious thing molestion destroys childhod and a normal healthy life . . i wish u luck and hope to hear from u again

Answer 4

There are different ways to handle this. The intrinsic human thing is for you to not forgive and avoid. This may not be the best solution.

She may not have many years left to live. Can you gloss over this set of incidents and see her good points for everything else she has done? If the father/brother see fit to get over it, then maybe you should consider doing the same as well.

Truly a tricky situation.

Answer 5

I would say that she might already know that you know deep down she must have an idea its a shame that your dad and brother dont confront her themselves .What a sick and disgusting act i just hope that your dad and brother dont let it interfere in other aspects of their lives but realisticly it probably does .If it was my family i would get the old girl on her own and tell her that you know and then hopefully your dad and brother may seek help good luck with every thing

Answer 6

Your brother and father are right in not bringing it up now. It's no use now messing up everything. Your being cold towards the "sweet old lady" is understandable. keep your coo. By bring the matter up now and confronting your Grandmother will not only ruin her reputation in the family...(that you don't care about) but will also badly damage your own credibility in the family...your father's and brother's position will also become funny.

Answer 7

I think that you can tell her and everyone else in the family that something she did in the past is impacting the way you feel about her, but you have been sworn to secrecy not to mention what it is due to the people involved. Ask people not to judge you and let them know that what she did has really impacted you. by the way if you have children remember to keep them away from her. Also by making your feelings known to people someone might com forward. I am sure she was probably a perpetrator towards others. Good luck

Answer 8

I would confront her, I reckon. Not your place or otherwise, it'd eat me to pieces and I'd have a little word - f*** the consequences. There is no excuse for what she did so I'd have a hard time forgiving her. In fact, I might just mete out a bit of the old corpus punishment, because people like that deserve to suffer some.

Answer 9

It is not in your place to confront her, that's true. But if your dad and bro have forgiven her, then you have to learn to do the same. You can't change what happened, as much as it hurts. We all have our faults. Some seem worse than others, but they're all just as bad. If the wronged has forgiven, who are you to hold a grudge. It's not easy, but you don't have a choice either.

Answer 10

Look at the story of Joseph in the Bible. He was well beaten by his brothers and thrown into a pit and later sold. Joseph passed through many trials just because of his brothers. Finally he became a prime minister in Egypt. His brothers found themselves before him,Joseph didn't talk of the past.Joseph forgave them. Why can't you forgave? If God could take your side could you have been alive today? Please for the sake of love and peace forgive your grandmother.