Should I now do that?

Question

We have employed this gardener, John XXX, for the past 20 years. He will come to tend our garden only once every month when our grass and weeds need to be trimmed. When he first came here, we were still in our early teens. We had then asked him how should we address him. He replied, "Just call me John". Hence, from then on, we just simply called him John. He accepted that and carried on his work.

My mother is someone who tries not to get involved with matters relating to the garden. All these are usually handled by my papa. So he will be the one who will also give instruction to the gardener what is to be done. At the very most, my mom will just give me the money to give it to the gardener to pay him when he finished his work.

Recently, my mom so happened to walk the garden when the gardener is tendering the grass. There was something I needed to tell the gardener to do. So I approached him and addressed him as "John". Straightaway my mom shot back and said "Why are you calling him John? Shouldn't you show some respect to a person more senior than you? Can't you call him Mr XXX?" Almost immediately, John also replied "Yeah, is this how you should be addressing your seniors? Shouldn't you be showing more respect?"

Since then also, John became insistent he be addressed as Mr XXX. He became very reluctant to carry out our instructions when we called him "John". It became very difficult to talk to him.

Was what I had done wrong? Must I now addressed him as Mr XXX? Isn't this ridiculous? I have called him "John" for the last 20 years. He was also the one who told us to do that.

If I were to comply with that, I will also feel very silly. I feel like I am being treated like a little kid to be told to do that. Why should I do that? I am already in my thirties!!!

Answer 1

Well people change thier minds all the time if he now wants to be called by a more respectful way then how does it hurt you to do so. 20 years ago he was still a young "liberal" to his generation now he is older and more conservative that is not a new happening and it doesn't need to be a big deal. Relax and respect what he wants to be called. If you want to make a "big" deal of making sure you are also being "treated" like an adult then remind him to also call you "mr or mrs or miss as appropriate"

Answer 2

Your not in the wrong at all, however that still wont make any difference as to you being embraced now when ever you see him.

Your were only following his suggestion by calling him John, and your mother was in the wrong for telling you off in front of "the help" and he was in the wrong for telling you off also, your a grown man and therefor although he is your elder he is also a gardener and whilst he is working for your household he is below you. I also get the feeling that he was just agreeing with your mother to get on her good side since they had never spoken before although you will have to decipher that through what his expression was at the time.

Now that he has expressed that he wants to be called Mr X then from now on you should call him that.

But for the pure reason of you being embarrassed in front of him by "Mr big man X" himself and your mother i would try and avoid any possible situation that you would have to say his name, just smile at him when you see him and get your Dad to do the talking.

And don't feel awkward when you see him because being an old man he has probably already forgotten how he offended you.

Answer 3

If you still live at home (which I hope not since you are in your 30s) then you have no choice but to go along with your mother's wishes. This is your parents home after all, and you should respect that. However, if you don't live there, and this just happens when you're visiting, you should be able to call him John if you'd like, especially since he once thought that was okay. Perhaps you can even confront him one day and ask (nicely) why he suddenly changed his mind. Since you've known him so long I think talking to him would be a good idea, and is the best way to solve a conflict. Good luck with this!

Answer 4

There are several things here. I'll address them one by one.

It was improper of your mother to correct you like that in front of him. You are in your 30's. She should have pulled you aside and not treated you like a child in front of him. I would pull your mother aside and set her straight on that. Was she present 20 years ago when he requested everyone to call him John?

If he wants to be addressed as Mr. XXXX then by all means do this. This is a person who has worked for your family for 20 years and doubtless you have a lot of affection for him. However, I think you also need to pull him aside. You should let him know that you never had any reason to believe that he wanted to be called anything but John. After all, you were a teen ager 20 years ago - if a teenager was told to call a man senior to himself by his first name, then there is no reason to believe why a man in his 30's would have to behave differently. When you pull him aside let him know that if a similar situation should arise, to please tell you.

Why is it that both your mother and he were quick to get on your case? Could they feel that you have been acting stuck up lately and that you needed to be taken down a peg? Could you have shown disrespect to John in the past? Have you been giving him a bunch of orders lately? How would it make someone feel to be taking orders from the one that does not pay him?

Maybe for now you should leave the running of the garden to those who pay him direct. By all means call him what he wants to be called. You can make the same request of him if you want.

Good luck.

Answer 5

You should address him as Mr John XXX as requested. It sounds as if he's pleasing your mother to keep his job, by going along with her wishes. Relax, you didn't do anything wrong. If he wanted to be called Mr. John XXX, he would have let you know in the beginning. Just go along with the program, and everyone will be pleased (Mom, Papa, Mr. XXX, and you for saving face).

Answer 6

Perhaps when you asked John that question, he didn't have enough self-respect to ask to be addressed as "Mr.," but when your mom said that, he gained the courage to ask for more respect.

One should always address people the way they want to be addressed. When you meet someone a generation older than you are, always call him or her Mr. or Miss or Mrs. If they want to be called something else, it is then up to them to correct you.

Answer 7

WELL,PEOPLE CHANGE WITH AGE.ONE DOES NOT MIND IF A BOY OF 10 YEARS CALL YOU JOHN WHEN YOU ARE 40,BUT ONE DOES MIND WHEN THE BOY GROWS TO 35 AND CALL YOU JOHN AT THE AGE OF 65.SO, DO NOT MIND AND CALL HIM MR JOHN.

Answer 8

The guy is taking the mickey. Tell him he introduced himself to you as John, you've always called him John and that's what you'll carry on calling him.

Bloody gardners !!

Answer 9

IF I WERE YOU I WOULD ASK JOHN VERY DISCREETLY THE REASON WHY HE HAS HAD A CHANGE OF MIND. IF HE DOESNT WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT THATS HIS DECISION. MASYBE THERE IS A PROBLEM AT HIS HOME, MAYBE HE IS UNDERMINED AT HOME. I THINK ITS POSSIBLE THAT HIS FAMILY TREAT HIM WITH LITTLE OR NO RESPECT. LIKE I SAID EVEN IF HE WONT TALK TO YOU,AT LEAST YOU HAVE TRIED..

Answer 10

Poor, poor Karl, how traumatic for you. I'm glad I'm not in your shoes.

For God's sake, can you all stop talking to this idiot as if he has just been told he's dying of cancer. He has a problem with his gardener, not his prostrate. Jesus Christ, are you all mad?????