What should I do about a situation with my sister-in-law?

Question

I watch her infant daughter (my neice) 3 days a week along with my two children (both under school age). I have been watching my neice ever since she was 4 weeks old and as time has gone by my sister-in-law has become very picky, making comments about what I could do to improve the looks of my house and how I could lose weight. My house is not a pig sty, but sometimes there are toys on the floor (Three kids running around all under 5!). As for my weight, I have always been a size 12 or a 14 and she is a size 0 soaking wet. I take care of my neice for very cheap and I feel like her comments are starting to wear on me. I keep my house as clean as I possibly can working part time and coming home to take care of my kids and watch hers. I love her as a sister but what can I say to her or should I not say anything?

Answer 1

Honey, you've got the patience of a saint. I would have told her off by now, but I do applaud your restraint. I would take this matter up with her. She has no right to criticize your home nor your person. It could be that there's a situation going on in her life that you don't know about that she's passing the hostility on to you; but it could simply be she's being a brat. Clear the air with her. It will help both of you.

Answer 2

You said you love her as a sister, however, it seems she doesn't treat you the same! She is taking you for granted and I would suggest you to keep a certain distance from her because she would hurt you more in the future. On the other hand, it also is a bad influence to your kids as they start to understand the critics from their aunt to their mom. You deserve to be respected.

While she has time to check the cleanliness of your house, why didn't she help you to clean up, at least for the goodness of the kids. (especially to her daughter, if she really cares!)

I totally agree with the others posted here to advise you to stop babysitting her daughter. Let her spend more time with her daughter, keep her busy and let her gain some weight too.

Well, how come you expect a size 0 can understand a size 12/14's feeling? (hahaha..!) You two are different, she is mean and you are too kind. Certainly, there is no way that you can change her, nor you would waste your time to do so. The best thing to do is be silent about her comments, forgive her, be polite and stay away from her and her kid.

You have way too much things to deal with daily and you don't have time for those who take advantage from you.

Good Luck.

Answer 3

My heart goes out to you. You are doing your very best to care for your own children as well as your niece and you work part time, take care of your house hold, whew, I'm winded already and I'm not doing your job.
As for your weight, that's your business my dear and for the size 0 well, that's her business and she should not be nit-picking you to death. Does your sister-in-law have any personal problems that might be eating away at her?
If you don't want to end up as enemies maybe you could just let her know how pooped you are after each and every very long day of each week and if she would like to come over once or twice a week to help you clean up around the house like she would like it to be she can and you would appreciate it ever so much. This way she should either pitch in and help or give you some slack which you dearly deserve.
I think you should be proud of all that you have accomplished in you life so far and don't let your sister-on-law bring you down.
I think you're doing a great job already.
Take care.

Answer 4

You have obviously been doing your SIL a favor and saving her money as well by providing quality care that she doesn't have to be concerned about her child at all.

Her comments are not really being thought out by her for if you were to do this to her I am almost certain she would have no problem coming back with responses to defend herself and most likely she would strike back swiftly.

However, having been in such a position only under different circumstances, you have to consider exactly who this might hurt or affect more...you, your SIL or your husband/children etc.

I would tend to perhaps make light of the remarks, for eg the house comments, "Yes, I guess you are right, I could do something to fix things up...perhaps you wouldn't mind watching all of the kids say this weekend while I work on that? What's a good time for you?"

Or, the weight issue? "You know I've been thinking about losing a little weight, I certainly don't have the time to eat caring for our children, or cleaning up after everyone later in the evenings, but perhaps a few times a week we could trade off...I'll go to the gym to work out and you can take the kids to the park or something. Want to start that this Monday, then perhaps Weds as well?"

Irregardless of whether she works or not...you don't need to accept her comments quietly...however, you aren't being ignorant with these responses, instead you are challenging her to step up to the plate and help you "solve" her tips to you with her help. If she can help you by commenting she can help you by doing as well.

Almost guarantee she'll think before she speaks...sounds like she wouldn't be able to handle all the kids at once for very long...picky people usually prefer to have other people watch their kids better than they watch them, themselves.

Good luck,

Answer 5

ehh..sticky situation. really the weight comments..are unecessary. unless your weight is somehow interrupting how you care for children, which at a 12-14 i can't imagine that..but unless it's interfering with caring for the children you watch then i don't think it should even be brought up. not everyone has to look the same...particularly everyone doesn't have to turn themselves into a size 0. i think you possibly should say in some type of respectful way..as you don't want to lower yourself to her standards..that that has nothing to do with the care of the children..nor is she paying you for your looks. on the other subject, if your house has anything that could be considered dirty..such as food lying around, crumbs all into the floor, splatters of drinks/food, dirty diapers laying around, old bottles, etc those such things then yes i can understand the comment about the dirty house. simply because an unsanitary environment is not healthy for anyone in it. however, if there are just some toys scattered on the floor at the end of the day..and they aren't choking hazard toys, then i don't see what the big deal is. there is no sense picking them up while they are still playing with them..so after everyone goes home..you can do a pick up and she should be able to see you start fresh every morning. good luck.

Answer 6

Yes it always comes down to how siblings view each other at the end! Ask your sister if she has a problem? & if she does discuss it openly with her. I can see from your comments that she is moving up in the world and is tending to have her work ethic spill over into your life. This means she wants to have the same control over you as she displays at her job!! You need to gently remind her that you like what you do including minding her child & one day you are going to be doing exactly what shes doing without the kids, but at the moment your focus is family.Often the picky comments etc from her may mean she isnt as happy in her job as you are in yours. When she is able to see & make those comparisons which she cant change she will move on, but until you tell her she cant.(effectively you have the upper hand and can dictate the situation as you want) If you feel fine how you are size wieght whatever tell her then she wont have anything to critique!!! good luck your doing a stirling job.

Answer 7

Your sister in law has what one kid, Well tell her if you didn't have your kids under the age of 5 and hers you watch for your house wouldn't be messy. When she can keep her house clean while watching her own and your kids too, then you will too. And I don't mean watch kids for an hour. Have her do this for one week. I will bet she will shut her mouth real quick. I was a stay home mom for 7 years and I couldn't do it anymore. I like going to work and my house is clean when I get back, and I like my kids even more too! Your job is hard, and let her know that. It is easy to get the kids up and give them to someone else to worry about. That is why she works, or she would stay home like you if she really wanted to. So tell her to lay off the insults. Print your question and answers, let her read them. Bet she will get the hint..best of luck.

Answer 8

tell her that sometimes you just get so busy playing with and watching the kids that you don't have time to pick up the toys or exercise more. I am sure that she'll understand that it is more important to play with the kids than to run around after them, picking up. It is a nice way of saying it but should get your message across. Plus, a size 12 or 14 is not overweight unless you are super short. Good luck!

Answer 9

I think your sister-in-law needs to understand where you are coming from. Explain to her that her comments are hurtful and completely unwarranted, just as you have written here in your question. Sometimes people can be oblivious to the effect they have on others. Make her aware of this, but not in a way that attacks her. Simply point out to her the next time she says something hurtful to you, that while you appreciate that she means well, and you understand she is only looking out for your welfare, it is still rather hurtful to you. Explain that you work and watch THREE toddlers and on top of all that, the last thing you need is her criticism. Just be calm about it.

Answer 10

I would simply tell her what you just said. There are THREE kids having FUN all day long. Your attention is to them, not to having a sparkling house. Try to nip this one in the bud, right now. It may get worse. People do not know they are saying anything out of line unless others speak up. You can do it. If you guys are like sisters it won't be as bad as you may imagine. I don't know why you've let her go on like this. If you're nervous, practice with a close friend and pray. I hope you set her straight, with kindness and firmness. Good luck,sweetie.