I was wondering why some women get scared to tell a new boyfriend that they have children?

Question

My first wife(when we were just dating) was reluctant to tell me at first that she had a daughter. When I found out I was disappointed that she wouldn't have told me about her daughter. I wasn't upset that she had a daughter. I always thought that if Melanie and I were going to get to the point of serious that I wanted her daughter to be part of my life too. Eventually Melanie and I were married and her daughter became a part of my life and my familys. She calls me dad and will always call me dad.

Recently I divorced and now I am trying to move on with my life. About two weeks ago I meet someone else and am going through the same situation. She has a daughter and kinda shyed away from telling me. I understand that there are some ****** guys out there who want nothing to do with kids. And I know that is why she shyed away from it. I just want to know how I can make her feel more at ease to talk about it and know that I am cool with it.

To answer a few of the questions. I do still have a relationship with my daughter. We are very close. She knows I am not her paternal father and that doesn't matter to her. I am the one that is and has always will be there for her.

Another answer to a suggestion was to ask the new girlfriend and her daughter out together. I did do that. There is a water park here in town and I asked if I could take her and her daughter to the park. I received "I will have to get back to you on that" after that it has been pretty distant with me and the new girlfriend. I'm not trying to move in and be "dad". I just want her to be able to go out and do things with her daughter and me.

Ok. How do I convince her(new girlfriend) that am I guy who loves kids(has two of his own) and likes her just as much with or without kids. My feelings haven't wavered.

Answer 1

I think woman are scared because alot of men cannot accept that you have another man's child. My situation is a little bit sad. I have a 10 year old son. His dad decided back in 2003 that he didn't want anything to do with his past, which meant my son and I. Which, I couldn't understand why he felt like this, considering my son is his only child. It took me one year to get over him. But eventually, I got over him. One day, out of the blue, (you know that saying, "Don't look for love, cause just when you at least expected, you will find that special person" .. I truly believe in that. Anyways, I was checking my mail at my apartment, and my next door neighbor pulled in at the same time I was checking my mail. We started talking about his relationship with his live in girlfriend and how she lied to him about the child she had. Apparently, she told him that it was his and he wanted to do the right thing and moved her to his hometown. She then, turned around and told him that it wasn't his. After that conversation I had with him, we exchanged phone numbers. It took him 3 weeks to call me, but he did. Our first date, was awesome. We actually got along really good. The following months were the best times of my life. We planned a trip in jan 2005 to Las Vegas. The trip was really fun, except that our lifestyle crashed. He's use to waking up at 5 am and I'm used to waking up at 8. But that didn't matter to me. When we got back to town 5 days later, he told me that he really liked me but he couldn't really be with me because I had a son. He said he just couldn't accept the fact that i had a kid. He said he didn't want to raise another man's child. Since he didn't have any children, he couldn't relate. He broke my heart. I asked him several times "WHY" he just said that he couldn't do it. It's almost two years, and I still haven't forgotten him. I felt he was my soul mate. We still keep in contact. Last year he found another girl, who claimed to be a virgin and he proposed to her. Which broke my heart, but I dealt with him in the mature way. I congratulated him. Five months ago, I met this other guy, who was really nice. He had 5 kids on his own with 3 different moms. I was fine with that, because I can't judge him cause i have a kid. I felt that god was testing me to see if I could accept him, which I did. In May 2006, we went on vacation for 5 days. The day we came back, my ex boyfriend called me and said he wanted to see me. I told him that I couldn't see him cause this new guy was at my house. I told him I would call him as soon as he left. Thirty minutes later passed and he left so I called him. I left to meet him at a nearby store. When I get there he asked me how my trip was. I told him it was great. He then approached me with a hug and a kiss. I kissed him back. I started to cry and told him that I missed him so much. He said he missed me too. I told him to break up with his fiancee and marry me. He loOKed at me and said OK. I told him that I would give him one week and we would leave town, to start a new life. He looked at me and he said ok. Then he turned around and said he couldn't do that to her. I then told him that I would give him the month of July to break up the engagement. On July 28, he called me and said he didn't want to speak to me anymore and he changed his cell number. His sister had called me that same day, to ask me if I had gotten some magazine she had mailed to me. I don't think she knew, that he wasn't speaking to me anymore. I asked her what was wrong with her brother. She said, apparently he broke up the engagement with his fiancee sometime in July, and said he wasn't in love with her and he didn't want to marry her. As of today, I've heard he goes out and party's every other night. And sometimes, he doest come home at all. I do feel that if I didn't have a child he would love me and be with me. The other guy that I went on vacation with in May, also said the same thing to me. He didn't want to be with a girl that had kids. I told hI'm that was fine. As of today, we are still friends and that's it. I just feel I will never find anyone that will accept my son. My son is 10 years old and he's never had a male role model. It breaks my heart knowing that my son will never come home and say "Dad" im home. Or "Dad" can you show me how to do this. Like I told the (2) guys, I have dated. My son doesn't need a Dad just a male model. Someone that he can turn to for advice. I'm 28 years old and I've only had 3 relationships. And the sad about this, is that his dad, married a girl with (4) children from her previous marriage. And her kids call him "Dad". On his wedding day, my son was not invited to he wedding. Apparently, he had one of her children as the ring bear and he daughters as the flower girls. Well That's it

Answer 2

You may be cool with it, but 90% of guys are not. These women are obviously trying to dance around the subject of children because they think you will react like 90% of men do and make for the front door.
I am one of the 90%, I would not have a serious relationship with someone who has a child because

1, If we break up, I will have already bonded with the child so two people will suffer, its not fair on the child.

2, There may be an element of her wanting help with financial upbringing of someone else child, I think its own father should be doing that.

3, The child is a constant ever present reminder that the woman has been screwed senseless by another guy, also if he returns there is always that supreme bond between them, having someones child is the ultimate act of love.

4, Maybe the you or the new guy is just a substitute as she couldnt hang on to the real father.

5, Self esteem problems. For the reasons above, a guy who stays with a woman with kids from other relationships maybe cant find an eligible girl of his own, like hes a second rate catch. If it came to a choice between a single mother or someone with no child, a guy will always choose the as yet childless girl - IF he had the choice.

Answer 3

The person you loved changed when he started the affair, into a scheming liar, But its only now you know the truth that you can grieve, that will take time, all sorts of feelings will engulf you, anger, fear, everything on the scale, but you did nothing wrong, neither have the children. Give yourself time and you will find inner strength you never knew you had, honestly! He wont be happy not seeing his kids, that will hurt and maybe when he feels things have settled a bit he'll be ready to contact you to see the kids. Maybe he had just had enough of living this double life, but it was totally his own fault, AND he has hit you, and broken things in your home, so deep down you know there is no turning the clock back on those things. You may not feel strong now, but you will get there, day by day Good Luck and give those children lots of love, they'll be wondering where daddy is, you don't need to go into detail, just to say daddy still loves them very much and he's living at a new house. He may not be contacting you about seeing the children because of the court case, again his fault entirely and I am glad you are standing up to him, and not allowing him to bully you. 3 weeks is not alot of time, but ring the job centre, and council for help, you will be entitled to financial help,

Answer 4

I just had to answer this one..........as I am an older single Mother, guys usually dont make it easy on us about having children (of any age, and I have a 7 year old myself). Most of the single men my age have already done their time for God and Country raising kids and they make it clear that they dont want to do it again, no matter how much they really like they woman, they just think that doing the "kids" thing again is just not worth the hassle. I myself have had this pulled on me, and not only did I end up getting hurt, so did my little boy, he was absolutely heart broken and cried for a very long time. We now just mostly stay by ourselves rather than giving it another try. Guys should realize that in the "real" world, there are more single Mothers than ever out there that would make a great family, if only given half a chance. Not all single Mothers out there are GOLDDIGGERS, there are some of us that are for "real".........

Answer 5

I have to agree with the first answer you received as a divorced/single mother of 2 telling a man that you have children is a good way to never hear from them again.....Maybe some men think you are trying to mold them into a "ready made family" I don't know????

Answer 6

I think a man like you should try inviting her AND her daughter out to the park or anywhere a kid would love to go!...seeings how it has been soooo hot outside lately how about the pool or buy her dausghter a pool....that was what my man did for me when he found out from my mom that i had a son.

Answer 7

tell her you like kids. when you meet a woman tell them you like kids. you are a person there are few of in this world. I don't know why women are like that. If I had kids and was dating I wouldn't hide the fact. That would be the 1st thing out of my mouth.

Answer 8

no guy wants to marry someone who has had sex with another guy. ish. all a guy thinks about is whos dick was in the wifes pssy. Marriage goes much better if this tragedy dosen't exist and she is a virgin. when the husband knows he was her only one, ahhhh what a wonderful feeling. she is his special angel.

Answer 9

some guys are put off by a woman who has kids because sometimes they don't want kids now or they weren't expecting to take care of more than one person.

Answer 10

why is it that girls shy away from guys that have kids? baby mama drama. the same goes with girl being reluctant to tell you that they have kids. they think that you are going to think omg baby daddy drama! i have to stay out of that ditch!