Selling my marriage?

Question

I am engaged to a wonderful man, i love him very much. I was so happy when he proposed his mother wants to help pay and of course plan our wedding and honeymoon. because she has never did for her son before, my fiance wants to make her happy. we plan on buying a house, his mother is helping him choose it, not me. since they have good taste and only because of my fiance can we afford a home. i will be helping pay for it, but he is putting up the downpayment. because of this i feel i have no desicion making power, he does not understand my feelings, he also informed me we would make his mother so happy if she could decorate this house for us also, having great taste. I wonder what my part is in this marriage, i am not yet seeing the benefit of marriage over living together as we are now. I feel my opinion is not valued or wanted, let me say this what few times i met his mother she is very nice to me, and does have good taste, etc, so this is not a dis to her. any thoughts?

i think i also need to add that we are both 43, not our first marriages. His mother has never discussed our wedding or house with me, only my fiance. So not sure if she is pushing for this control or if my fiance is just giving. She also picked the house he lives in now. He says he respects her finanical advice because she has done so well for herself. "house being a finanical" decision. I respect to but i want this to be something he and i do together, i have agreed if anything happens to our marriage the home is his. But I plan on it lasting forever, and i want it to feel like our home. Even if the deed is his

in other ways he is so sweet and thoughtful , i feel he does love me very much, I don't know if he has a need inside to try to make up for the dissapointing things in his mom and his life, not sure. He gets upset if i don't pick a resturant, but i try to explain this is a small thing, i don't get upset by small meaningless choices, but the bigger and important things are important

Answer 1

maybe with the upcoming wedding she figured that she'd help you out by eliminating one of your stresses..maybe she feels comfortable enough to know that you know that she knows that you know that she knows what you like and what she likes maybe i just confused myself?.. anyways, if you think that she has great taste, then let her help you out. if you don't like the way that she decorated the house, then you can go in and change it to the way you like it later on...

Answer 2

hey,
You may not forget that you two are marrying, not him and his mother. Okay, she may have the best intentions in the world, but he's 43, so if she can't let him make his own decisions, I think it's a little sad.
If I was you I would try to talk with your fiance about this, otherwise it's possible your marriage won't last long, if everytime there has to be something decided he runs to his mother instead of talking with you.
Mariage is sharing things with eachother; it's your life (yours and his) and if he really loves you he must understand that you must come on the 1st place, instead of his mother... (what does not mean he have to give up the good relation he has with her - just act more in an normal adult way...)

Answer 3

Excuse me who is getting married to who? It seems that your future mother-in-law is taking over all the decision making for this wedding and all the other stuff that YOU should be doing?. This is a SIGN for things to come as sweet as she is as helpful as she is you must put a stop to it talk to your man tell him how you feel and if he doesn't back you up then I would cancel the wedding You have no decision making now do you honestly think you will have any decision making when your married? Hell no and saying that if the marriage doesn't work out he gets the house girl are you crazy? RETHINK the whole situation girlfriend my lasting advice to you is get the hell out cause this is going to be a marriage in which you wont have a part to play

Answer 4

ok...#1 Mama is too involved...way too involved. She needs to let her son be a man...he is taking on a wife and that means he is leaving his mama's nest.
How old is this man????
Regardless of what makes his mama happy, he needs to keep his wife happy and you can tell him I said that! Ask him what is his view of your role as his wife? If he wants mama to be involved all the time, then drop kick him! He is still a little boy.

#2 His duty is to YOU, not his mother. If you don't put your foot down it will never end. This is her way of keeping her son tied to her apron strings. She is not showing any respect for you. Has she thought that you might want to be involved in picking the house and decorating it?
Regardless of what kind of taste she has, she is minimizing your position. What she is essentially saying to you is, " I can do this better than you. I still see you as a child"
If you do not stop it now, she will forever be involved in your life - interferring. When you have a baby, she will be telling you how to change diapers, what to feed the baby, etc.
You will not have peace, trust me.
You need to have a frank talk with her. Tell her you are honored that she wants to do all of this for the two of you, but since this is your first home as an adult, you would like the opportunity to do it yourself. Tell her you have looked forward to doing this.
If her feelings are hurt, she will get over it. You have to live there, not her!
Good luck

Answer 5

Have you talked to him? I know you've probably told him that you are frustrated but I mean REALLY been honest with him. Does he know how intensely you feel? Tell him you feel like your opinion is worthless and unwanted. Especially if you feel like YOU are worthless and unwanted. Just be honest with him. If you feel like this is going to be something that chases you away, he needs to know. If in the end what you really want is to be at least included, tell him he doesn't necessarily HAVE to kick his mother to the curb but it's a house that you have to live in, not her, so you get a say in it. Ask why it is that you don't have good taste or good style in his opinion.

I know it seems like he is being a jerk - I mean I don't know him personally but from your post he's not only callous and uncaring, he's also just plain an awful person - but I also know that you sound like an intelligent person and you love/loved him enough to get engaged to him. What you do now is most likely going to set the tone for your marriage. If you do nothing, and marry him despite how he's treating you, I almost guarantee you that he'll continue to treat it this way. But if he understands that he has to make a choice, let him make his choice and don't let him go running back to his mom just because this curtains you pick for your bedroom aren't the same as the ones she has in hers.

I wish you so much luck with this. I hope that you figure out exactly what you want and need in this relationship and that he understands it. It seems unlikely but I also hope that he doesn't realize how he's hurting you and just stops immediately. Good luck!

Answer 6

I have to agree with everyone else. Maybe some decisions are ok for her to make, but your house? You may want to your fiance know that yes- you agree his Mother's taste is wonderful but it doesn't necessarily match yours and while you may go along with things now, eventually you may start to regret and resent. Have a heart to heart with him and maybe even her - now. If it came down him having to make the choice - you should the choice of his life. You and he will be the ones left to grow old together. Not to disrespect his Mom, but needs he needs respect you as a person, as a wife. Good luck to you and him.
Maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised and she will understand.

Answer 7

Oh dear. No a good start if you ask me. Surely he is at an age now where he can leave his mother out of such decision making especially as he has you. You should be the one he wants to share such things with and to whom he goes to for opinions on things that concern you. I hate to say it but unless he makes a firm stand with his mother and chooses you over her you are never going to be first in his life. His first priority will always be his mum. Its great he has such a good relationship with her but if you ask me its a bit too good - mummies boy comes to mind! The decision is yours but I would think long and hard before entering into such a commitment as marriage to a man who doesnt look ready to let go off the apron strings and quite frankly as lovely as he may be at his age he should have let go a long time ago.

Answer 8

43?. . . You need to take the reigns and clue Fiance in on your feelings. If you don't tell, he won't ask. If you let this happen now, then mother will do it for the REST of your marriage. . and, that could be for the rest of YOUR LIFE. Nip this in the **** now!

You two are TOO old, and mother is TOO into your relationship. You should be building a marriage with him and his family, not feeling like a third wheel between he and his "mommy."

Answer 9

It sure sounds like his mother dominates this fellow, and he is in his forties. Second marriage, wonder why his first marriage failed, did his mother play a part in it?
The truth here is that it sounds like your fellow cannot make decisions of his own without his mother's imput. In a committed relationship there must be no secrets regarding money. My point the house will belong to both of you and both names should appear on the deed, regardless of who puts up more money.
When you say your vows, you are both joined together. The word " cleave " comes to mind: Jesus said that a man must " leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife " ( Matt. 19:5)
" leave and cleave " , we voluntarily leave the old life - all that we depended on for comfort and happiness - and we cleave to the one who will share your new life.
Honey, if you are about to marry this fellow, he has to consider your worth to your relationship. He has to consider that he is not the only one committed to making the marriage work. He has to leave his mother out of all decisions concerning your marriage. I would suggest to talk to him, I'm sure you, yourself know that you are unhappy with the way things are going now. If this is a preview of what to expect after the ceremony, I'd seriously consider backing out of the " arrangement ". because that's pretty much what it appears to be, it lacks love and commitment.

Answer 10

Time to back out now! You have no control over any of it. What a strange man to let his mommy do everything for him at the age of 43. Yes you love him, but is he marrying his mom or you? And you need to ask him that question. You should be running the show and let her know that she needs to back off. For some reason I feel that she is not going to and you are going to end up breaking this off or just dealing with it. SCREW that! At your age I would not want to deal with some old women dictating your life. Next thing you know she is going to start telling you how to sleep with him, clean your house, cook for him, etc...just move her in your house cause its not yours, it's hers!

Answer 11

You better think twice before marrying him. Just the fact that he doesn't consider your feelings because he has the money. Just imagine what is going to happen to you when you do get marry.

Remember, women generally stays home to take care of the children. As the result, no income will be coming in from you.

My question to you is how long can you take it in having your fiance being ignorant to your feelings?