Funniest Joke gets 10 pts.?

Answer 1

mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb
mary had a little lamb, her father shot it down
mary took the lamb to school, lamb to school, lamb to school
mary took the lamb to school, between two slices of bread

dam im answering this to everyone!

Answer 2

The Priest
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the
Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course. What may I
do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hairdryer that is well over the
Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you
could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not Lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they
got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked,
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have
to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
Next!

and if that one didn't work try this one

Underwear Is Important
> If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead!
> Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Walmart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
> The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
> The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Answer 3

Once upon a time there was a Penguin who was driving through Arizona.
His car started acting funny so the first chance he got he pulled into a service station.
The Penguin asked the mechanic if he would take a look at his car.
The mechanic said "Sure little buddy, right after I finish up here".
The Penguin, having a little time to kill, walked across the street to the Piggly Wiggly (a grocery store).
He wandered up and down the isles until he came to the frozen foods section.
Looking first to the left and then to the right and seeing that no one was watching, he opened a door and climbed into the freezer.
Happy and cool he ate a little ice cream and fell fast asleep.
He woke with a start realizing that he had dozed off and ran out to check on his car.
He waddled into the garage just as the mechanic was closing the hood to his car.
The mechanic looked at the Penguin and said "Hey little buddy looks like you blew a seal".
The Penguin quickly wiped a flipper across his mouth and said "Oh no sir! That's just ice cream".

Answer 4

The President, First Lady and Dick Cheney were
> flying on Air Force One.
>
> George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You
> know, I could throw a
> $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make
> somebody very happy."
Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could
> throw ten $100
> bills out of the window and make ten people very
> happy."
>
> Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw
> one hundred $10
> bills out of the window and make a hundred people
> very happy."
>
> Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes
> and said to his
> co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could
> throw all of them
> out of the window and make 56 million people very
> happy.

Joke 2

13 Reasons to Smile

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.



Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.



How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and over fifty for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"



I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."



Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!



Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.



Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"



And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Answer 5

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The
driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his
wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part....

The wife replies,

"Only when he's been drinking."

Answer 6

One day, a brunette rubbed a magic lamp, and a genie appeared. He told her that he would grant her 3 wishes, but all the blondes in the world would get twice of what she wished for. The brunette's first wish was simple.
"I wish that I had a handsome man" she said.
The genie gave her a handsome man, but all the blondes in the world got two. The brunette proceeded to her second wish.
"I wish that I had $1,000,000" she said.
The genie gave her the million, but all the blondes in the world got $2,000,000. The brunette thought long and hard about her third wish before stating it. She then came up with the perfect wish.
"See that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

Answer 7

a panda walks in to a resterauunt and get food, after hes done eating hes shoots the waiter and walks out. later the police come and wonder why a panda would do that. then a book nerd says, well it says right here in the dictionary: eats shoot leaves

Answer 8

Texas A&M college female student on the way home after 6-7 months....gets really close to her home town....she gets to going a little too fast and the Highway Patrol pulls her over....."young lady you were really going fast.....I suppose you have a good excuse?"......well she says.."I have been away to college for the past several months and as I got really close to home I got excited and just got to going to fast"....the Patrolman says.."Oh you go to college..which school?".......she says Texas A&M!!........he steps back a little...unzips his pants and whips it out and she goes....."OH NO!! not another breathelizer test!!!!!

Answer 9

Johnny found some dynamite,
He didn't understand it quite.

Curiosity never pays,
It rained Johnny seven days.

Answer 10

An elderly Southern Gentleman is sat one evening rocking away on his porch sipping a cool Mint Julep when a young boy strolls past dragging a bale of wire behind him ,
"Evenin` mister."
"Evenin` son.Whut y`git there boy?"
"Mister I gots me some chicken-wire."
"Where y`goin` wit the chicken-wire boy?"
"Ah`m gunna cetch me sum chickens sir."
"Boy you cain`t cetch chickens that way."
The boy smiles mysteriously and strolls away.
A short time later the boy strolls back dragging his bale of wire full of screeching and squawking chickens.
"Sheeit!"the gent shakes his head in wonderment.
Well the next evening he`s once again sat rocking on his porch when the boy comes into sight yet again ,this time he`s dragging a roll of metallic-grey tape.
"Evenin` mister"
"Evenin` son.Now boy whut y`git there?"
"Mister I gots me sum duck-tape.Ah`m gunna cetch me some Ducks."
"Aw son y`cain`t cetch you no Ducks with duck-tape."
Smiling sweetly at the old guy the boy strolls away.
Sure enough a few hours later back he strolls dragging a whole lot of duck stuck squawking to his roll of tape.
"Sheeeit!"
On the third day the old geezer is out once again ,this time he`s looking out for the boy who a short time later comes into sight whistling and dragging a green twig behind him in the dirt.
"Evenin` mister."
"Evenin` son.Whut y`got there boy?"
"Sir I gots me some Pussywillow.."
"Hang on there boy ,ah`ll git ma hat..".

Answer 11

ther's no joke but clip, Go to www.funnyjunk.com and choose "the cat dance"!!!!!