What do I tell him? I can't say the truth?

Question

Can anyone tell me what to say to a guy if he asks about past boyfriends, without giving him info on how i was sexually abused as a child and have only just gained the courage to start dating.
It's too early to tell him the truth

Answer 1

Tell him the truth. The truth is that you've never had a real boyfriend. (Your abuser certainly doesn't count as a boyfriend.) You'll know when it's OK to tell him more.

Answer 2

Well, I think it's probably better to say *something*. You can say that you've never had a boyfriend, and then perhaps that you've had some bad experiences with men that you'd prefer not to discuss in detail at this time.

Or you could always just figure that if it's too early, then it's none of his business, and tell him exactly that: 'I don't feel a need to discuss the past at this time, so for the moment I would prefer not to do so. I'll tell you when I'm ready.'

But if you're going to do that, keep your relationship platonic for the time being. He definitely needs to know before you do *anything* so he can be sensitive to and respectful of your situation.

And while we're on the subject of respect, please remember that what happened to you has absolutely no significance to your value as a person. You are a precious creature made in God's image. What that person did to you before was a monstrous act of disrespect both to you and to your Creator.

And another thing: in today's day and age, people often just have sex without thinking about consequences, then a third party appears, or there's a breakup, and they find out the hard way, too late, that this sort of thing is not supposed to happen after you start a sexual relationship.

You deserve better. So fix things so that you and he really put each other first, really take total responsibility for your lives and your decisions - no more running to Mommy and/or Daddy or whoever you ran to before at the slightest sign of trouble. That'll take care of any third-party situations before they happen.

And then make sure you know each other well enough to be sure you're on the same page regarding all the important stuff, make a decision together that breaking up is just going to be an option anymore, and make a permanent commitment to that effect together, in public so you're accountable. And live it. That will do the same thing for breakups.

So, there's no hurry at this time. You just spend time getting to know each other. If he pressures you - to tell him about your past, or to do anything else - take that as a HUGE red flag that this is not a guy who is going to treat you with the respect you deserve, and get the heck out. If he's worth your time, he'll be grateful that he can spend any time with you at all, and wait for you.

Answer 3

The last person to recommend that someone lie in a relationship, I do this time, I say lie but what I really mean is maybe it would better for you to just say that you have a couple of relations that did not work out, if you need to elaborate you could say just that you found interests did not match as at first you thought they did, even go as far as to say that there was one relationship that was a nightmare ( which is essentially the truth is it not ) and be clear that you are unwilling yet to discuss it ( you need to look after yourself in this ), you could tell him that in time you may be able to speak of it, but not yet, tell him you have trust issues if you wish and tell him to back off on this area, say, and here you can and probably should be honest, that you have not had many relationships, it does not reflect badly on you in any way to say that whether you 21 or 91.

If he is unwilling to accept what you are telling him then I would question whether you should really be with this person anyway as they are not respecting you by pushing etc.

I sincerely hope that you are working through the issues you have surrounding your abuse, it is very difficult to get through, I know, at 42 I am still working through some them, if you are working through them talk to your therapist about your new relationship, this coud make it much easier to broach the subject when appropriate in your new relationship. Feel free to mail me if you wish. And good luck with everything.

Answer 4

i'm sorry to hear that you were abused as a child. that is something that is extremely difficult to deal with and it never really leaves you. an abuser is not in anyway a boyfriend and the experiences that you were forced to suffer are not classified as having a sexual relationship that you need to share with your new partner. you are under no responsibilty to tell him anything about what happened to you until you are ready. that may be anytime in the relationship but you are under no obligation to tell him. if this is you first boyfriend then you are considered a virgin in consensual relationships and you should tell him that you have never been with anyone. if you have had other boyfriends only talk of them. congratulations on being strong enough to date and good luck.

Answer 5

You don't have to mention anything about past boyfriends to a guy unless he is serious about you, that is a personal matter between you and any ex's, if he does happen to ask about past boyfriends and your just courting then say you had a few friends but nothing serious and hopefully that will suffice, if you get serious and feel you have to explain your past to your fella then be honest with him, if he loves you he will be there for you and totally understand that it is something you will talk to him about in your own time and with his love and support you will be able to, I know how hard your situation is myself, but I got the love and support I needed to get away from the hurt child abuse causes, have you had counselling, if not go see your doctor please and get some as soon as you can, do not ever, ever blame yourself for what happened to you as a child, you did absolutely nothing wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed of, until you can come to terms with what happened to you yourself then I would suggest you don't tell any guy until your serious about each other.

Answer 6

Just tell him that you have not had any serious realtionships and you want to take things slow. Us guys like to know who have been there before so we can get all hurt and upset about it, then act all protective towards you when an ex is in the vicinity. It's a jealousy thing. He doesn't need any details of your childhood so if he presses, tell him to back off and give you space. If you've only just met then it's really none of his business at the moment anyway.

Answer 7

sweetie I went through the same thing. The court case was only over a few months at the time and I was raw hurt and couldn't trust anyone......it was my grandfather who Sexually abused me from the age of5til I was 16,I didn't think id get through it and I did I also never thought Id be able to trust another guy but I can.....But it all takes time.
Believe me I feel your pain so much but tell him once your ready, not until then. its easy to text/email it but talking is something I still cant do.....im with him3 years now it at forst was a shock but he has hepled me through my "down patches".
I wish you all the best and I hope Ive helped in some way huni. Smile and follow your instincts
Love Paula-Rosa

Answer 8

hey hi ,tight situation,but if ur bf saks abt ur ex bfs u dont have to tell about how uwere sexually abused.if it has something involved where it was completely ur mistake then be honest and tell him.but u were sexually abused then i dont think its ur mistake then u dont have to tell hiim through out ur life.but if u knowingly did something wrong pls let him know,bcos u should never break the trust of ur partner,u cant hide the truth very long one day or the other it would com out.and it would be much more worse.so befoe u do any thing calm down ,have a fresh air and then do it.so be honest if he really loves u he'll forgive u and accept u.ok
take care.byeeeeee
chris

Answer 9

In that case, just tell him that you don't feel comfortable talking about it yet, maybe later. I'm sure he'll understand. Good luck!

P.S.: A couple of people have suggested lying a little. While that's obviously your choice, if I were the guy I'd prefer an honest response, I wouldn't mind it if the girl didn't feel comfortable discussing a particular topic, trust is something one earns over time.

Answer 10

Honestly tell him when youre ready. I've had a few things I hid from my bf and I finally found the confidence to tell him what had happen. It took me about a year.. I realized he was someone who I cared enough about to let him know me inside out, what haunts me everyday and who would not judge me for that.. He helped me get through my problem and realize it is the past and to let it go.. it felt great when i finally got to let it out.. but thats only if you feel the need to tell him. whenever youre ready girl, good luck!