How do I make myself like my stepson more?

Question

I have really tried to make myself like my stepson. I know that he has alot of emotional issues and we do have him in counceling. However, since he moved in I feel like my entire life has been turned upside down. I have never raised a child this age (12) and his actions and behavior just seem to irritate me most of the time. I dont trust him because he has stolen from me, he has an attitude with me and my husband both and also with my son as well. I really would like to be close to him and to grow to think of him as my own child, but dealing with his behavior over the last 2 months has made me somewhat understand why his mother got to the end of her rope. Before anyone call me a horrible person, I am not. I am not mean to him, I just tend to stay out of the situation and let my husband deal with him. I am really trying to like him, I just am not finding a way to do so. Please dont respond if you are just going to be mean and unhelpful. I need real advice from other stepmoms.

He has a very nasty attitude alot of the time. He complains about everything from the food we cook to the things we ask him to do(normal chores just like we expect from my biological son). He is a very angry child and counseling has not helped him yet. I am trying to just have faith that it will get better, but how can I grow to love him if I dont even like him very much?

Answer 1

I have a 10 yr old step-daughter so i know how you feel. have you ever got the "your not my mom speech". unfortunately you will have to start with the law. once she learned that i wasn't going away things got a little easier. when one parent gives up the kid can feel hopeless and may think that your just trying to put on a good show for dad.all you can really do is try as hard as you can to let them know that your there for them. if things don't get better you may have to ask your husband what he thinks.

when i was 7 my father remarried and i hated her. one day i need help coping with an illness in my mothers family and my step-mother turned out to be the perfect person to turn to, that little bit that she did for me that day was all it toOK for me to realize that it was ok to have her around. i stopped fighting her and she is now one of my favorite people in the world.

it may take awhile but don't give up, chances are that he needs you more than you realize.

good luck

Answer 2

I feel for you. I've reared a stepson, I've been a stepdaughter and I'm the single Mom of a 13-year-old now. I'm sure you remember, 12 is a very difficult age. All I can tell you is what worked for me. Take what you can use and disregard the rest :-)

Children know when you don't like them. I knew my stepmom didn't like me and your stepson knows you don't like him. I had a very similar situation (except no biological child at the time) with my stepson and things really began to turn around when we both started being honest with one another. He told me he felt if I hadn't come along, his parents would have gotten back together and he hated me for taking his Mom's place. I told him I thought he was a spoiled obnxious brat and no child of mine would behave as he did. I know that sounds extreme, but the honesty opened up dialogue that had not been there before and my stepson and I are now closer than he and his "real" Mom.

Think, for a moment, how he must feel. His own mother has essentially said, "I can't handle you, go somewhere else". Do you remember how insecure and confused you were at age 12? And then to be in a household where he really isn't wanted, then on top of that his own mother doesn't want him around either. He is a very angry and very hurt child and he's doing all he can to push away everyone around him because he feels unworthy of love. Try to find something every day, anything, that he does well and praise him for it and really mean it.

I know it's difficult, but you have to stop thinking about him as your stepson. Tell yourself, "This is my son, my baby. How can I get through to him? How can I make him feel more loved?" Is there anything you wouldn't do for your biological child if he were going through a difficult period??? No, you'd do everything in your power because you're a good Mom and a caring person.

Keep him in counseling and I would also suggest counseling for yourself, maybe even the two of you together WITHOUT his father there. My ex-husband wouldn't get counseling for his son (although he needed it), so I went myself just to learn how to handle the situation. It also helped as I had a safe place to vent my frustrations. I wish you the best and I sincerely believe, it will get better. Just hang in there and take care of yourself, as well as your two sons <>

Answer 3

HuskyMom, you are well on your way to being a great step mom because you are seeking help. I commend you for wanting to do right by this child. Keep him in counseling, always include him in family gatherings. Pray. And like my momma used to say, "Kill him with kindness." Strike up conversations with him sometimes by asking him things about himself and what he likes to do. Ask him to come help you with a chore or errand, just the two of you sometimes so you guys can talk sometimes. Always ask him how his day is/was. Make him feel special. He may seem resentful at first, but he will come around. Make sure your hubby does the same. Make him feel that he is an important part of your family unit. He might have some abandonment issues w/his mom, remember this. Anyway, I think you are a beautiful person for caring about this kid so much, even though you say you don't like him. You sound like you care a whole lot. He is a lucky kid and so is your hubby. Peace.

Answer 4

First, you need to examine/ask why this child is the way he is.
Second, you need to ask yourself what you can do to help him with his issues.
Third, you need to ask HIM what you can do to help. I am speaking from experience. My husaband & I have only been married for 1 1/2 years, he has 2 kids from his 1st marriage & I have 2 kids from my first marriage.
My husband did not get along with my oldest and I did not get along with his oldest. All of these children have been through a lot.
Ask yourself why you get irratated? Is it really his behavior? Are his disfunctions directed at you? What can you do to help?
Why did he steal, was there a story behind it? How do you react/act around your husband when a negative situation comes into play?
Maybe the kid is feeling the tension there, and is acting out because he feels once again he is going to loose another mom.
How does your husband feel about taking all the responsibility? One thing I have learned from my own experiences is that when I married my husband, I married his kids too. The way that I act/talk/feel/treat his kids is a reflection of my love for my husband.
You need to analyze what the problem is, why the problem is, how can you make it better, and keep in mind what kind of a solution you want.
Do you really want a relationship with the boy? I can honestly say that I did not like my husbands oldest when we got married.
I sat & followed these steps over and over and over again, until I figured some of it out.
I still catch myself looking at him like he is an alien, but I remind myself of all that this kid has been through. That is enough to make me love him...
How do the two boys get along?
IM me if you would like to swap stories and maybe look at possible cause and effects. Sometimes just talking to someone in a similar situation helps.
Good Luck!

Answer 5

Try to focus on things about him that you do like (even if there are few). Maybe you could also try and find something that the two of you could enjoy together. Since he's 12 he probably won't want to spend a lot of time with a parent figure, but maybe even just once a month going out to pizza together or bring him and a friend or something. Just time together that might be pleasant so that you can have more good memories with him.

Answer 6

i'm a stepchild, and my mom is a stepmom, and we had a lot of issues when they first got married. mainly with me. i was depressed, and i tried to make life a living hell for them.
What to do:
1) give it time, we get over ourselves.
2) try to get to know him, and try to share a common interest.
3) DON'T STAY OUT OF SITUATIONS!!! he needs to know that you are apart of his life, and he has to listen to you to! you need to be involved.
4) treat him like your own son.
5) try to put yourself in his shoes. considering what he's going through.
6) therapy will help, but can take longer for guys.
7) try to talk to him, and maybe you and your husband might want to do a family counseling session later on.
8) ask his counselor for advice
9) positive attitude
10) HANG IN THERE!! You're not a bad person! this takes adjusting!

Answer 7

I'm a counselor and I know that "blended families" have a high failure rate. You seem to need individual counseling and later "family therapy." For now, your counselor needs to provide you with research-based facts that will help you "cope" with this situation. Notice that I've said "COPE." There is no magic bullet.