daughter is extremely resentful, what to do?

Question

In January we had to punish our 13 yo daughter, she was messing up. Maybe we were too harsh, but her behavior changed. Everything would be realy wonderful if she wasnt so resentful. Avoid talking to us, when at home is always lonely and tries to be alone. She talks or goes out with us only if forced. She's respectful but formal, doesnt act like a daughter. Refused family couseling and we didnt want to force. This situation is letting me really down. Yesterday I went out with her - it was really necessary - and we ran across a teacher she likes much; She hugged and kissed her teacher with much affection. She, the teacher, who knows about the problem noticed how sad I was (not because of the teacher, who I like too) and tried to comfort me. Daughter says it's her right to act like she does. She says we cant force her to like us and we gotta respect her silence. After all, shes a good student and we've nothing to complain about her. But this makes us suffer. Is there a solution?

Answer 1

Sounds like there may be more on her mind than she's telling you.
Good luck.

Answer 2

I'd be willing to bet there's a whole lot more going on than she's telling you, and she's possibly keeping it all in because she feels like you and your spouse will either not understand, or are to blame. What are these things? Not sure, and you'll have to try to speak to her. I think you're right. Forcing her to go to counselling is probably going to result in her clamming up again. It's the one thing she can control. So, how about you offer her counseling that takes you and your spouse out of the equation. Ask her if she would go to counseling for her, and her alone. Perhaps if you let her go and get all the things she needs to get off of her chest, without you and your spouse involved, she'll start to open up to, or with the counselors help, learn to express, or tell you how she feels.
At the core of this family, is a little girl that is so upset with her parents, she's cut them off. There's gotta be a reason for that. To get to the bottom of this, you're going to have to back up, and let her speak her mind...possibly privately without your input.
Give that a try, and then seek family counseling. At this point, the more you attempt to see what makes her tick, the more she'll shut you out. Allow her to speak to an unbiased source, get to the bottom of the problem, and then include the whole family.

Good Luck!

Answer 3

Thats just the way kids are at 13. If she doesn't want to talk to you then leave her alone. At 13 kids always think their parents are so uncool no matter what. She probably thinks you treat her like a baby and judging from your questions about bras you probably do. She probably doesn't like you over something small, and you bugging her about what it is all the time only makes it worse. Since her grades are good it means there's no real signs of serious problems. Bottom line, give her break, let her breathe, and you will be supprised how quickly she will want your attention when your not trying to shove it down her throat. Tell her you love her, tell her that if she needs anything that you will always be there for her no matter what, and let her know that your doing your best to raise her and you want her to be happy, and let her know thats it's not easy and very confusing trying to raise a teen-ager because as a teen they change so much that your'e just trying to keep up, and let her know that you will try to give her some more space and that you TRUST her. And then just LEAVE HER ALONE! You can check with the teachers to make sure she's doin alright, not only her grades but they will also know if she's getting into trouble or turning bad. Also read my answer to your question about bras. Please ignore my stupid nickname, the advice I am giving you is golden. Good luck.

PS. She may even ignore you for a couple of years, if you play it cool she will grow out of it and want to be around you again. If you continue to bother her she will continue to avoid you, and if you smother her she will go for any chance she gets to leave, usually this means she will want to run off and get pregnant and married to get away, or when it comes time to go to college she will leave and want nothing to do with you.

PS. Also you can tell her if there's something bothering her, or if there's something about you that she doesn't like, to write you a letter telling you what it is, and that you will try your best to change it. It is very hard to force your kids to talk to you, but sometimes they will write you a letter, especially if they think it will change what they don't like about their situation.

PS. Although your priority should be, to do whats best for her 1st and make her like you 2nd,.. if you follow my advice you can do what's best for and her AT THE SAME time making her like you more.

Answer 4

At thirteen it is very difficult for pre-teenagers to get along with anyone. They are trying to figure out who they are, what they want and how to fit in. Their rebellion might seem hurtful to you as parents, but the best thing for now is too let her know what she is going through by words and by actions. Don't force the situation and don't try to force anything. When your daughter figures out herself out she will come too. Most importantly love her unconditionally, pray for her. If this continues and begins to get worse then; therapy is necessary because she might be holding on to somthing(s) that she has seen, heard or felt. The only way to resolve this type of issue is through couseling from a therapist or church counselor, but for the mean time just try to remember the way you were at thirteen.

Answer 5

It's hard to say w/o knowing details. Maybe what you consider 'messing up' is just normal rebellion and perhaps the punishment was way out of bounds.

Is an apology in order? If you had a good relationship prior to the incident you should be able to work this out. If not, show her love and acceptance. Give her lots of praise. Respect her desire to ignore you and don't nag about it. She will come around after she has time to heal.

Answer 6

I can certainly your daughter's point of view. This is her way of retaliating. This is her way of revenge. This is her way of punishing you for what she feels you have wrongfully done to her.

Sorry to let you know that there is not a lot that you can do about it because after all, she is not doing anything "wrong". You can't punish her for doing this. She is deliberately doing this silent protest because she knows that this will be painful for you.

The teacher thing was to defnitely make you jealous.

I don't know what were the circumstances and how severe was the punishment delivered to your daughter. But you must let her work it out by herself. You must let time finish this. She will come out of it when she feels that she was done enough.

You can certainly try talking to her but I doubt if that will do a lot of good. If anything, it might make her even more resentful.

Answer 7

True. You cannot force her to like you but you sure can ground her for her bad attitude. If you allow her the luxury of being bad the message you are giving her is that the boundary for what is acceptable behavior includes resentful behavior.

You need to get the message across that being resentful is not allowable behavior, otherwise that is exactly what you will get.

Kids, especially her age, need clear reasonable boundaries. It is reasonable to expect her to treat you with kindness and respect your authority.

Answer 8

Insist on family therapy. Her silence just makes the household tense and she's disrespecting you all even though she isn't talking. If she isn't happy there then maybe she would prefer becoming a ward of the state and live in a group home. You did what you felt was necessary as a parent. She either obeys your rules or gets the hell out. Don't let her manipulate you as parents.

Answer 9

try talking to her and see why she dislikes you. also, understand that this is just a phase that most teenage girls go through. just think your lucky stars that she's doing good in school, and is a good person otherwise. things could be much worse! i'm 16, so i know. just hang in there! i hated my mom for a while, and now we are getting along much better. it just takes time. all you can do is let her know you are there for her, and you support her in everything she does. that's all you can do. good luck!

Answer 10

just give her some space or try to talk to her....... she'll come around just like i did with my dad.....