Is it possible to have a committed relationship that lasts 47 years like my parents in our generation?

Question

My Dad and Mom were married 47 years when he passed away from a galant fight with cancer. They were never perfect, but for some reason they always worked things out. Has our generation taken the McDonald's approach to relationships in that we want it fast, convenient, and wrapped up in nice packaging? Whatever happened to people working things out. I have so many friends that are calling it quits after 10 years of marriage because they are bored, not in love, or just want out. My Dad told me before he died in April 2005, that it is not the easy and good times that make a marriage, but the hard times where you dig deep inside yourself committed to making things work for the sake of the marriage. Have we lost this value. I find guys and my girlfirends don't even want to make an effort to a relationship if one little issue pops up. When is love worth fighting for and when is it time to let go? What does everybody else think? Am I being too cynical?

Answer 1

You're not being cynical. Marriage takes work and we don't want to work.

People don't realize that marriage is not about love, marriage is about commitment. You make a commitment to stay together through thick and thin, and you can choose to stay married as easily as you can choose to get divorced.

We live in a throw-away society; we always want the newest, biggest, brightest, flashiest thing. Disposable cars, cell phones, relationship -- Children? The idea that someone can CHOOSE to dispose of one of their children for convenience' sake is the worst crime of all, but totally acceptable in much of society; how much more acceptable to throw away a marriage that, but for lack of will, ends in divorce?

My husband and I are married seven years now. We have our ups and downs like anyone else, but I would say the strongest deterrent to divorce is that we decided before we got married that no matter what, that was never an option, so we are "stuck" and "forced" to work it out. And thank God for it!

You can marry and stay married for 47 years or longer, you just must choose to do so and have the will to see it through to the end.

I think it is also worth mentioning that it is those times in relationships in which people are most tempted to throw in the towel that later allows us to have a history together. I mean you can not look lovingly at another person and say, "we've been through so much together," unless you actually go through so much together.

Pretty much all relationships contain an element of unfairness, imbalanced efforts where one party gives 300% and the other party 10% -- sometimes even for years. Pretty much all relationships have some limited element of abuse in them, because as human beings we all tend to be somewhat abusive one way or another at times.

This does not justify those realities, but they ARE realities and people with 40+ year marriages have CHOSEN to create a reality that supersedes all this. It is not that terrible things might not have happened along the way; it is that they CHOSE forgiveness, CHOSE loyalty, CHOSE to place the relationship and the commitment of it ahead of the issues at hand. Then years later, you have a life partner that really has experienced life with you -- both for better and for worse and you are knit together in love that no one else will ever experience without doing similar.

Answer 2

I think it is possible and hope I am well on my way to being married that long. I have been married for 10 years and love my husband more with each passing day. I think society as a whole does give up on relationships too easily. they are under the misconception that their partner should make them totally happy ALL the time and that is just impossible. Anything worth having takes a lot of work. A marriage isn't much different than raising kids. Would people bail on their kids and go try to find a better one? Hopefully not, so why do that to your spouse at the first sign of trouble?

Answer 3

I think it is possible to have a lasting relationship, but both people have to make the committment to work at it. Our generation is quick to throw away relationships that aren't perfect because they know they can get out when they want out. People are getting married faster because they can "fall back on divorce" and they think "he would make a great first husband." Plus, look at all of the publicity celebrities get when they get married and/or divorced so quickly. We see movies where people live happily ever after and their relationships are perfect from day one.

For these reasons, I see the value in pre-marital marriage counseling. I think it's important for people to really think of all aspects of marriage, especially the difficult times.

I once read a story about an arranged marriage, in which the two people never met prior to being married, but they both knew they'd be disowned by their families if they chose to dissolve the marriage. They made a committment on their wedding night to be a partnership and eventually fell in love. They knew there would be hard times, but they also knew to keep their families together, they would need to work through everything. Looking back, after thirty plus years of marriage, they said they wouldn't change anything and they consider each other their true love because they evolved their relationship into that.

I think we should all be jealous of the elderly couple walking hand in hand down the street because they still love each other after fifty years together!

Answer 4

Your father's right. Ultimately, it's not the culture that decides your relationship (e.g. marriage) will last x number of years, it's you and the person you've committed to. The only reason to give up on a loving relationship is when different versions of the same problem pop up. People still work things out, but they've got to be working them out together, that's the key.

Answer 5

I think your answer makes a lot of sense. I often wonder if people are just not designed to be in monogamous relationships, and the idea of marriage is unrealistic. Then I hear about people like your folks- and I realize that deep down, thats what I want in life. So, if thats the case, if everyone truly wants one life partner, why IS it so difficult? Maybe its only reserved for the truly lucky and giving people. You're parents were fortunate.