How can I be a better stepmom?

Question

I have two children and stepson.
I love my kids so much and would do anything for them. I also love my stepson, but I get so frustrated with him a lot. He is 5 and very whimpy! I mean, he wont stand up for himself when my son and him get into arguements. I always tell him that when my son says something to him to make him upset then to tell my son the things he says (like youre stupid) are not true. Instead he whines and acts like he is two. I get to the point where I punish my stepson for not sticking up for himself. I will put him in the chair and make him sit for a few minutes. I DO punish my son as well! Don't think I let me son get away with things, he has to sit in a chair as well!
I just feel like he wants me to baby him when he gets into arguements. I love him, but I can't say I have the complete "motherly love" for him. I want to be a better stepmom to him and love him as he is my own, so why can't I?

well my son and my stepson are both 5 so they are the same age......to answer ur question

Answer 1

I am a stepmom.THIS KID IS 5!!!!!!!! This little boy is going thru a lot right now..and your attitude towards him is not helping. He probably thinks if he stands up for himself he is going to get in trouble. ANd admit it...if your son whined to you that step brother was being mean..you would get onto the stepkid...RIGHT!! You need to start treating those kids as equals. IF your son picks on him...then your son goes in the corner...not the stepson! Once he realizes you are being fair(and your not now!!) then maybe he will stand up for himself. You dont need to "baby" him..but he may need more encouragement than the other kids right now. GOODLUCK!

Answer 2

Your stepson is probelly having a hard time adjusting to a new family, as all kids do who come into a ready made family. Kids are very keen on picking up dissention in a blended family.(By the way where is the father in all this?)
Your stepson is only 5 yrs. pld, so he's more than likely testing the boundries in his new family. You didn't mention how old your biologial son is. If he's older than your stepson he's probely not happy having a younger brother horning in on his life. He'll probely get over this in time.(God Willing)
If you don't have complete "Motherly Love" for this child, you've got a long road ahead of you. Your stepson has already figured this out by now. He will test you over & over again till he's satisfied that you love him.
As for your stepson wanting you to baby him when an argument occurs, he's just going to a place in his childhood where he felt safe.
You & your husband need to start seeing a family counseller before this problem gets out of hand & becomes too hard for you to deal with alone.
Also tell your own son that telling his little brother nasty things like "you're stupid" will not be tollerated in your family, as he's also trying to see how far he can push the envelope with you.
Putting them in a chair for a few minutes will not resolve this delima, because they both know that it's just a tempory thing. Try doing something together with them, such as garden work, going to a movie, plaqying a video game etc. This will give them both a chance to interact with each other & you. It's a great tool for blended families, especially when small children are involved.
One last comment "argruments among children, be they bioligial or step children is a common occurance in families, but when they get out of control it's usually because there's some resentment involved on one or the other's perspective of the matter."
So PLEASE BOTH YOU,YOUR HUSBAND & SONS SEEK SOME COUNSELLING ON THIS MATTER.****
I will be praying that your family works this out.~~~~
REBELCAT. GOOD-LUCK.!!!!

Answer 3

You are probably having diffuculties understanding your stepson. You expect him to handle an agruement in a way a 12 year old would, but you fail to realize that he is still only five. Your stepson is having the same pressure you are. You are still new to him, and when someone, such as your son, picks on him, he can't help but feel unwelcome and defenseless. Instead of punishing your stepson and telling him how to handle the problem, talk to your son and have him explain why he is doing this to the stepson. Your son needs to be told that he has no right to pick on the stepson, that he should apololigize, and leave him alone. Why should the other son be punished, because he doesn't understand. To get your son and stepson to like each other, get them to interact together, like playing at the park or going to an amusement park.

Answer 4

look first of all your stepson is FIVE YEARS OLD! you need to realize that he is really young and probably upset over the circumstances that brought him into your life (whatever they may be). you shouldn't punish him just because he's not as strong willed as you would like. take care of your own son first. it seems likely that he's not thrilled with having another brother and you need to address that issue first, before it becomes more serious.

you say you don't have motherly love for your stepson and that's an issue with you. you have 2 options here. you can either stop trying to be his stepmother and be the best MOTHER you can. or you can come to the understanding that you are not his mother and be the best friend you can be. your stepson is probably lonely and scared. he needs you to comfort and protect him.

and where is the father is all this??? if there is a division in the family it will hurt your relationship with your husband if you're not careful.

also making kids sit in a chair isn't punishment, it's lame. if your son is a bully you need to beat his a**

Answer 5

kids are different. 5 is still young. Take him over to your son tell stepson what to say, make your son apologise. Continue doing this it will get better. Remember your stepson won't be as secure around you as your own son will. Give him lot's of hugs and love and know it will get better. If he continues to whine explain how you can not understand him when he whines and to say it in a big boy voice (explain whining he may not know what it is) and remind him to go back and tell your son " I am not". I have twins that like to annoy each other so you can also use what i tell my kids."Pretend that he/she are not talking if they are saying annoying things" the other one soon stops because they are not getting the reaction they want

Answer 6

Sounds like you need to work on being a better MOM. Why in the world would you get mad at your stepson for getting his feelings hurt when YOUR son says he's stupid? Where did your son learn to talk to people like that anyway? He's only 5!

Answer 7

I feel for you! I dont have that "motherly love" for my stepson either. I am hoping that over time it will develope. My son is 10 and his very wimpy as well. He has been this way forever. It drives me and my husband crazy the way he always cries at the drop of a hat. I dont think though that at 5 you will have much luck talking to him about this. He will just have to toughen up a little as he gets older. Just as I hope my son will. Good luck.

Answer 8

Every child is different and have different personalities and different needs. It sounds like your child is being mean and you get mad at the stepson for not being able to handle it. That's not fair.And what would be so wrong with babying him a bit when he is upset?Maybe you should see a counselor. He didn't ask to be put into this situation with a step mom that cant love him completely.

Answer 9

It's hard to understand other people's children. Your step-son probably feels a bit overwhelmed. He's always been an only child until you and your family came into his life. I would suggest training your son to respect the step-son a little more. Time out isn't going to cut it either. The only thing time out does for a kid is give them time to brood. Bust his butt a one good time and he'll learn to be nice. But as for the step-son, you cannot punish him for being wimpy. If that's his defense for being picked on, he'll have to learn to grow up. There's nothing you can really do to fix it.

Answer 10

well i would say that just as you would overlook bad things and love unconditionally your "real" children, it is just as easy to scrutinize and get annoyed and frustrated with "step" children. therefore, you must consciosly do More for your step children if u want them to feel accepted...because it is easy to think negatively of someone who is not your real family, you have to help yourself to stop being biased. even tho you are punishing your son for being the aggressor, to punish the step son for trying to cope and adapt to the situation is just wrong. try to teach him and Encourage good behavior, instead of making him feel like an outsider. maybe u don't like that he is wimpy, but he lost his real mother for whatever reasons... you have no right to judge him. try ur hardest encourage and open him up, so that he can become a stronger person. ask your children to be nicer to him, and slowly the closer he gets to them, the easier it will be for him to fight back...... think about it, with strangers would u really run up and punch them when they're being rude? or would u try to ignore, or be upset? whereas, if it was family member, first thing u'd do is probably start shouting and yelling and maybe even punching? =T.... i think the step son feels out of the loop, and unsure of what to do, and probably was brought up with good manners. and calling someone stupid and having to sit in a chair is a totally different thing than not standing up for yourself, and yet u punish them the same way..that's not setting a good example...