my boyfriends 11 year old daughter has no respect for any adult, teacher, police and her parents. help!?

Question

This 11 year old girl is mean, has no respect, says what ever is on her mind and doesn't care about hurting anyones feelings. She is super sensitive and has to have her way.

Her father (my boyfriend) tells me, she's just a kid, kid's act that way. Here's a story:

Yesterday, I went to the mall with her and my 6 year old son. We all got a pretzel and sat down on the bench until we finished before we went into the stores. She said she was finished and said she'll be in "Abercombie & Fitch" and when we're done eating come and get her. So after 5 minutes my son and I go into "Abercombie & Fitch" and we couldn't find her. We look in the dressing rooms, she's not there. We ask employees they haven't seen her. So we go to the very next store "Aeropostle" she's not there, we go to the very next store "Charotte Russe" and she's not there. We looked in most of the stores surrounded by "Abercombie & Fitch" and finally after 15 minutes I was worried.

So then when I got the security guards they asked me what she looked like and they searched for her in the same stores but couldn't find her even after talking to the employees. Finally after 20 minutes I called the police..........

The police told me they were on their way. They had NO PAGING SYSTEM IN THE MALL and I told the securtiy guards this has never happened, she never did anything like this before!! Now 30 minutes went by and I was crying and my 6 year old son said, "Mommy don't cry at least it wasn't be that was stollen." then......

So no police after 40 minutes and I called 911 again and I was frantic!......

So after crying and calling my mother, father and sister asking them to calm me down, finally..........

there she is walking up to me after 50 minutes saying that she needs money for the clothes she picked out. I was so upset!!! So The security guards asked where she was and she said, "None of your business, get away, I don't care" crying and started walking away. The police showed up...........

and they asked her were she was and she was nasty to him! and the police said "Please, young lady, don't be rude!" she walked away from him!

Answer 1

OK, NOW THAT YOU FINISHED THE STORY---here goes--GOOD ADVISE FROM A TEACHER:

Like I said, I'm a Teacher and I know how kids can be these days. Kids have become so rude and disrespectful its ridiculous...OK, I'm going to talk to you Woman to Woman. My question to you is: Is this relationship with your boyfriend WORTH IT??...I ask you because, I read many questions from women like yourselves, who are dealing with their boyfriend's children--and the women are miserable--but because they have recently "had a baby" with their boyfriends, they are now stuck with their new "bad step-kids"...If you remain with this man, you will be stuck with this girl--and just know that she is quickly approaching the Teenage Years! When she becomes a teenager, and her hormones are raging--she may become a Super-Witch...Look, is your man--Worth All This?? Is he worth you not having Peace in your Home? Is he worth you dealing with his unruly child while for years and years??? You need to seriously think about whether or not you really want all this.

BUT, you probably "Love" your boyfriend and can't imagine not being with him right? OK, heres the deal: She is Spoiled..Your boyfriend has allowed her to be a selfish, spoiled little brat all her life..She is simply SELF CENTERED..She doesnt care about anyone but her own selfish little self. How dare she walk up to you, telling you to give her money after being gone for an hour?? She knows better than that! I taught 11 year old last year, and they are very smart nd mature these days--they know better!

How will you handle this? Honestly, without your boyfriends support--YOU CANT. She is HIS child, not yours- (because you arent married yet). Only your boyfriend and her mother can really change her. But, your man obviously is 'brain dead' when it comes to his child. He think she's just a "regular kid"?? Her selfish behavior is more like that of a toddler. Your man is creating a monster, and he needs to see that if he doesn't discipline her now, she will get worse, not better. And Lord forbids if she hits those teen years and starts having sex, because deary, I work in public schools, and the teens these days have more sex partners than the teachers. They all wear thongs and low rise jeans, have their bellies out, and even get tatoos and tongue piercings. And they will talk about the great sex or oral sex they had behind their parents back---at age 15 and 16...Usually when parents cant control their pre-teens, they cant control them at 14, 15, 16...So, are you ready for all this?

Have a long, sit down talk with your man. Even ask your mom to be there if she can. Point out examples of how you think his daughter is out of control and headed down the wrong path..Be sure to say Positive Things about her too, but he has to know that this can really be a huge problem in a few years. Let him know that if he will not begin to discipline his child and demand her to be respectful, then you will have to re-think this relationship....Dear, I have a little cousin who was mean and disrespectful Just Like your girl....and my cousin is now 18 and pregnant, without a high school diploma, and with a bad attitude. Her mother is so depressed and stressed right now its ridiculous... Your boyfriend needs to know that its 2006, not 1966, and teens are faced with teen pregnancy, STD's and even HIV.
2 teens tested HIV positive a few months ago in my friends high school in Maryland.

Also, just be to fair--I was a "stepdaughter", and I got along GREAT with my step-mom when I was 11 (my dad remarried when I was 10)..But sometimes I would have an attitude problem. And, my stepmother would at first get mad at me--BUT then she would come in my room and sit next to me and say "Whats wrong? Did you have a bad day at school?"--then I would open up to her and talk to her. My step-moms pateince created a good, close realtionship where I told her things I didnt even tell my dad...You need to try doing this as well. She is still a human being--so treat her like one. And the good thing is that Change Is Possible!! ....Ask her how her day was, ask about her friends and what going on. Try to begin communicating with her. It might work. You must do this, because you are a woman, and you can have a positive effect o her if you TRY. She might give off attitude at first--just ignore it. Try to become a good friend she can lean on...You must try this approach, because you owe it yourself as a good parent to try and reach out to her. It may take a few weeks for her to open up--but try it!! And do it with LOVE and SINCERITY..Till this day, I adore my step-mother and she always wants me to call her "Mom" :)

Hope all this helps
Peace

Answer 2

First, I would not recommend letting an 11 year old kid go to a store in the mall by herself regardless of how well or poor behaved she is. She could have been kidnapped or something. Second, by the time a kid is 11, there isn't much you can do that is easy or quick to break her bad habits and attitudes. The kid should have been disciplined better when she was a toddler on up. It's too late for that but there are some things you can do. One of the things you can do is to start enforcing consequences for her bad behaviour. The next time she does something you don't want her to do, tell her that what she has done is wrong and that you won't tollerate it anymore. Warn her that if she does it again, a certain privilage will be removed for a certain period of time. When she does it again, enforce the warning and remove the privilage for the time you said. Don't give in and give her back the privilage sooner. Some good privilages to take from an 11 year old are: use of the computer for non-school stuff, use of the phone to call friends, use of a cell phone if she has one, sleeping in on weekends if you let her do that (when you get her up, make her do chores around the house like cleaning or reorganizing something), etc. Of course she will fight against it since she is not used to being punished for her bad behaviour but at her age, that is about all you can do that will get through to her. Long lectures will go in one ear and out the other. Empty threats or unenforced warnings will only make her disrespect you more. If you are consistant, she will eventually learn that she must follow certain rules if she wants to avoid being punished. As far as disrespect for other authority outside the home goes, the best thing to do there is to allow these other authorities to punish her as they see fit for what she has done with out you trying to rescue her. For example, if her teacher wants to have her stay after school or do extra work as punishment for something she did at school, don't try to talk the teacher out of it. If you show respect for her authority figures (including her father) and don't try to undermine them, she may start to as well.

Answer 3

Look I won't lie my sister and I were hot messes with a single mom and we acted worse at even younger ages. Sometimes us bad kids settle down and some of us troubled teens have PTSD. Call the police on me and I would've never liked you I'd hide from you all the time the police take our mommies and daddies away. Teachers tell the police to take our mommies and daddies and they call scary people to put us in strangers homes. Parents aren't always their for us they don't alway understand what need or how we feel what happened at daycare or know what's going on. On top of that we're still learning how to become adults by 12 and 11 years old our hormones don't make anything better. We tend to retest the thresh hold of certain things we did as toddlers for some reason. This is a kid you know nothing about who will test you everyday and maybe one day you'll earn her trust and respect. If she's worth it and he dads worth it to you then you'll try to make it work.

Answer 4

I hear that the Coast Guard has a really great boot camp for troubled kids and turns them around. I don't know the age limit, but if she still acts this way when she becomes a teenager, you might give it a try. All kids do not act this way, she is selfish, spoiled, and a brat, and she needs to be dealt with. She acts this way because she has been allowed to get away with it for too long. Some people will say it is because she comes from a "broken home" but that's no excuse. Kids can learn manners and respect. You have to be firm and consistent. This goes for you, your boyfriend, and her mother, any adults in her life.

Answer 5

Send her to a half way house or to somewhere where she can get some discipline because she doesn't have any and if she doesn't start to act like people her own age, she's gonna end up in major trouble in the next few years and that's not gonna be good. Like other people said, boot camp, a half way house (I don't know if there are any in your area), or maybe a juvenile detention center before she gets too out of hand and ends up in serious trouble down the road.

Answer 6

This kid sounds like bad news. She's eleven, not four. Kids who are eleven years old should be able to express respect, especially to her parents, teachers, and you.
Have you considered the possibility that her behavior may be for another reason, though? Sure, it sounds like she could just be a brat but she could be seeking attention. Or it could be bad behavior to cover up another problem -- she could be having problems in school or she may even have a learning disability and may be acting rude out of frustration in general.
She is really just a kid, you're boyfriend's right. But kids who are eleven years old know better. There's something else going on there -- stress, lack of discipline, a learning disability or an emotional problem perhaps.
Try sitting down with your boyfriend and explaining that you're genuinely concerned for his little girl. Tell him you care about her and her family but don't want to overstep your limits as his girlfriend. Then express that he needs to see his daughter from your point of view. Maybe once he sees the light he'll consider going to talk to someone about his daughter. If he's too stubborn to realize that there's a problem, I wouldn't stick around unless you want to put up with disrespect.

Answer 7

WOW!!! thats some kid...does she do this 2 her father 2..? cause sometimes since ur her dads gf she has resentment towards u since ur not her real mom...i kno i have that towards my dads gf and my moms bf i absulotly hate them mayb she feels that way 2 towards u its rlly nothing persanal its just we dontlike our parents dating so we r mean 2 there bf/gf and other ppl but we r still uslally nice 2 our real parents well we r mean 2 then 2 4 dating but in a diffrent way...but dont take it persanaaly now im not saying what she did is ok its actully rlly horible but i dont sugest u punishe her let her dad do it if u do it she will hate u more i kno this sounds bad but mayb u should rrey kissing up 2 her cause then she will like u and then when u do punishe her she might respect u a little more... i kno that sounds rlly bad but it actully works... its a little compalcted i dont kno what else 2 say so good luck!

Answer 8

First off I am dealing with my 13 year old son who is similar in ways but not this bad.
Her father, yourself and her mother needs to set rules for her together. I would refuse to take her anywhere else since she seems to disrespect you this way. If her father does not want to be a father then I suggest you dump him. Just think if you have kids with him it seems he won't care how they act and you will probablly be raising those kids by yourself even though he would be there.

Second I would take her to juvy! This scared the sh** out of my son. His attutidue changed greatly! Call and talk to them and tell them you would like to use some kind of scare tatic on her. Usually they will be more than willing to help.

Answer 9

Wow, I'm really sorry you had to go through that. Having said that 1. Where do you think she learned such behaviour - mom and dad. Take a really good look at your boyfriend. 2. What influence witll this girl have on your son? 3. You let an 11 year old go off on her own!

Answer 10

Boot Camp