Good Jokes Anyone???

Question

Does anyone have any good jokes because all the ones i no are very strange.

Answer 1

Michael Jackson, Nelson Mandela, and George Bush were on a plane with 20 kids. The plane is about to crash but there are only 20 parachutes! Nelson says "Lets give them to the kids". George says " Screw the kids" and Michael says " yes yes but do we have enough time?"

Answer 2

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''
The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''
''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''

Answer 3

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well, Son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class; and your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that, and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room, and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, Son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep sh*t."

Answer 4

If u dropped a blond and a brunette off a cliff which 1 would hit da bottom first.

ANSWER: The brunette the blond would have to stop and ask 4 directions!!

Answer 5

paddy and Murphy walking down the road when all of a sudden paddy falls over he says to Murphy call me an ambulance Murphy calls out paddy is an ambulance paddy is an ambulance probably not the best joke in the world but my kids love xxx

Answer 6

A religious couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon. The wife, being embarrassed by her husband’s loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service with her and poke him with it when he nods off.

The next week when they were in church, as always, the husband fell asleep. When the preacher asked, “Who created the Earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?” The wife stuck her husband with the needle. He jumped up and exclaimed, “Oh my God!” To which the preacher responded, “That’s correct.” As the husband sat back down the sermon continued, but later fell back to sleep yet again.

The preacher got to the question, “And who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?” The wife stuck her husband again, as he jumped up and exclaimed, “Jesus Christ!” To which the preacher responded, “Right again.” With this the husband sat down suspiciously. He decided to watch his wife so the husband pretended to fall asleep and catch her in the act.

While keeping an eye on his wife, the preacher asked, “What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?” The wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped up and exclaimed, “If you stick that damn thing in me again, I’m going to break it in half!!”

Answer 7

Visit comedycentral.com for some really good jokes.

Answer 8

Why do mice have such small balls?

Because so few dance well!

~ Cinderella

Answer 9

For kinkyclara:

When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a layby.

Answer 10

what do you call a "fish" with no eyes?

a "fsh"

(works when you say it out loud!)