Tell me your funniest joke and I will give you 10 points!!?

Question

here is mine!

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well, Son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class; and your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that, and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room, and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, Son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep sh*t."

Answer 1

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

i so stole that from sleepingbeauty...she put it in one of my answers lol

Answer 2

DEAR REDNECK SON,

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in
the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from home,
so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the
last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they
moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
it works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain
and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week, the first
time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it
would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut
them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because
it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet
so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your
brother.

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out,
but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he
burned for three days.

Three of your friends ran off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in
back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P. S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.

Answer 3

A Panda Bear walks into a café and orders a sandwich and a drink. After he is finished eating, the waiter comes over to bring him the check. When the waiter arrives at the table, he just starts to ask 'Would you like any des...' Then the Panda Bear reaches into his fur, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. The Panda Bear then wipes off his chin with his napkin, gets up, and starts to walk out. Just as he is about to go through the door, the manager grabs him. 'Wait a minute!' he yells, 'You just killed my best waiter! Besides that, you didn't even pay for your sandwich!'

The Panda Bear grasps the manager by the throat, jacks him up, and growls, 'Hey man! I'm a PANDA! Do you know what that means? Why don't you look it up!'

At this the Panda walks out the door and ambles down the street. The manager, shaken, returns to his office and consults a dictionary. He reads:
'panda - a large mammal of the Asian mountain forests related to raccoons and true bears and characterized by bold black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.'

Answer 4

OK so one day it just so happened that 3 gay men walked into a cremators office to pick up each of their partners ashes.... as the cremator asked the first gay guy what he was going to do with his partners ashes. the first gay guy responded "I'm going to spread them over my flower garden so when I look and smell the roses my hunny bunny will be there with me". As weird as the cremator thought that was he continued to ask the second gay guy the same question... "I'm going to spread my mans ashes in the ocean so when I watch the sun set he can be there with me." the cremator already has the hibby jibbies from the feminine responses but what does he have to lose, so he asks the third guy the same question, the man replies, " I'm going to find the hottest chile possible, place the ashes on top and then eat it all up" After hearing this the cremator was freaked out and said "why the hell would you do that???" To which the gay man responded, "well that way after I eat it I can wake up at 2 in the morning and he can tear my *** up one last time" :D ENJOY

Answer 5

How to call the cops
George is getting ready for bed when he sees his light on in his shed from the bedroom window. He goes down stairs and is about to turn the light off when he notices a couple of guys in there. He calls the police and tells them there are some men in his shed, stealing his belongings, the cop tells him to lock his doors and stay inside and they will try to send someone out but they have no one available.
George waits a few minutes and then calls back and says I called a few minutes ago about the guys in my shed well you don't have to worry I shot them all. Then he hung up
Five minutes later 3 cop cars, an ambulance, and an ARMED RESPONSE unit show up at george's door.
They arrest the men the cop comes up to george and says you said you shot them. George says you said there was no one available!!

Answer 6

The Priest did not lie !!
A lady was on a plane, arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest. She asked him, " Excuse me Father, could I ask you a favour? "
The priest replied, " Of course my child. What can I do for you ? "
I have a small problem and wonder whether you could help. I bought myself a new sophisticated women's hair remover gadget, for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the customs duty declaration limits. As I do not have enough money to pay duty, I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock (A black garment reaching down to the ankles; worn by priests or choristers) ? "
The priest replied, " Of course I could, my child. But, you must realize that being a priest, I can not lie ! "
The lady said, " You have such an honest face Father. I am sure they will not ask you any questions "
So, she gave him the ' Hair remover ' gadget, which the priest put under his cassock.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. The priest presented himself to one of the customs officers. He asked the priest, " Father, do you have anything to declare ? "
The priest replied truthfully, " Son . . . . from the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare "
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, " And from the sash down father, what do you have ?"
Again the priest replied truthfully, " Son . . . . I have there a marvellous little instrument destined for use by women, but . . . . Which has never been used ! "
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, " Go ahead Father. Next person please . . . . . !!! "

Answer 7

This is going back in WW2. An American Warship became being attacked via the japs. A torpedo became heading its way and a success became iminent. The captain orders his navigator to tell his group a comedian tale so they'd die giggling. The navigator is going right down to the deck and tells the group "How might you adult adult males experience if i'm able to break the deliver via touching my dick against the table?" The group laughs and the navigator does that. As he does, the deliver breaks in a million/2. The captain and the navigator have been the only survivors. The navigator informed the captain how he made them snigger. The captain then says "You extra clever be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo neglected!"

Answer 8

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Answer 9

My fake plants died because I forgot to pretend to water them ~ The late, Mitch Hedberg




For some adult humor ~ check out my Sources for my favorite comedian, Chris Porter, on Last Comic Standing, a reality show on NBC.... I know they all look the same, but they are different acts. ((the last 3 are not Chris, but other funny fav.s))

Answer 10

A boy asks his father, "What is sex?" The father decides to be honest with him and tells him, "I have a penis and your mother has a vagina. When I put my penis in your mother's vagina that's called sex and 9 months later she gets baby."

The little boy responded, "The other day I noticed that your penis was in mom's mouth. What does she get then?"

Without hesitation his father replies, "Jewelry son, jewelry."