Make me laugh?

Question

tell me the best joke u cn cme up wit

Answer 1

oh tilly dumbo basterd gas triclkle treat!

in the jungle bum bum and fanny haing anormas fun
bum bum was silly and pulled out his willy
and stuck it in fannys bum

Answer 2

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
> that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
> take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more
> important to me.
>
> Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
>
> When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
> busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
> silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only
> a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
>
> "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep
> the sidewalk."
>
> The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
>
> Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the husband is the other person

Answer 3

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well, Son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class; and your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that, and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room, and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, Son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep sh*t."

Answer 4

1st Time . . . . . . First Condom

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14 or so.
I went into a drugstore to buy a package of condoms.
There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, "No".
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store.
It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?"
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said, it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.
"Well, come on, " she insisted, "we don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no
longer hold back and pow,! I was done within a minute.
She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
I replied, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

Answer 5

Tom and Susan are happily lived together for 20 years every time they made love, Tom was insisted they do it with the light off. Susan thinks it’s all to do with his not wanting to be seen naked. But today, on their anniversary, she decides to try to rid him of his embarrassment - she really believes that she can cure him of his habit. That night, while they’re having a great shtup, Susan suddenly turns on the bedside lamp and sees Tom with a vibrator in his hand - a soft pen*s shaped one, but much larger than the real thing. She is shocked and very angry. You impotent ***, she screams at him, how could you have lied to me all these years? You’d better explain or you won’t see me again. Tom looks at her and calmly says, OK. I'll explain the vibrator ….you explain our children.

Answer 6

Three men are sitting in a pub, bored to tears. The first bloke says to the others, ‘Right, let’s play a game. When we get home tonight, we have to do the first thing our wives tell us to.’ The other two agree, and they all decide to meet up the next evening to discuss the results. When they are all back in the pub, the first man tells his tale. ‘I got home and the wife was washing up, so I decided to help her. I started drying the dishes, and I dropped one. “That’s right,” she said, “smash the place up.” So I got a sledgehammer and destroyed the entire house. Now she’s divorcing me and I’ve been charged with wilful destruction.’ ‘You think that’s bad,’ the second man says. ‘When I got home, I fell asleep on the sofa, dropped a cigarette and scorched the carpet. The wife came in and said, “Oh good, burn the whole house down.” So I torched the place. I’m being divorced, and I’m also up for arson.’ ‘You lucky b*st*rd,’ the third man says. ‘When I got home, my wife was in bed, so I climbed in next to her. I was feeling a bit amorous, and I started tickling her downstairs. She said to me, “You can cut that out for a start.” Anybody want a toupée?’

Boom Boom

Answer 7

The airliner was having engine trouble, so the cabin crew told the passengers to take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing, which they all did....except for a lawyer who went around passing out business cards..

Answer 8

two guys go into a bar .one goes to gents and tells his friend to get him a pint of Whitbread .When he come back from the bogs everyone is laughing and his friend tell him that a rather big lady stood up an the table and squatted over his drink and farted....with that he approaches the lady in question and says ....."oi, you fart in ma Whitbread..",......"no" , she said ..."im Tessa Sanderson"

Answer 9

A little girl comes home from school and says to her Mum, I wet myself today. The Mum says why did't you put your hand up? she says I did and the pee ran through my fingers.

Answer 10

1. What is height of Secrecy?
Offering blank visiting cards.
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2. What is height of Activelaziness?
Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.
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3. What is height of Laziness?
Adopting a child.
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4. What is height of Craziness?
Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.
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5. What is height of Forgetfulness?
Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.
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6. What is height of Stupidity?
A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.
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7. What is height of Honesty?
A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.
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8. What is height of Suicide?
A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.
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9. What is height of De-hydration?
A cow giving milk powder.
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Now some different answers

10. What is height of Secrecy?
Not attending your own marriage
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11. What is height of Activelaziness?
hiring somebody for your own morning walk !!!!
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12. What is height of Laziness?
adopting another child !!!!
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13. What is height of Craziness?
Trying to do blowwjob to a enuch
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14. What is height of Forgetfulness?
Going out from own house in the morning and getting back to neighbour's house.
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15. What is height of Stupidity?
Going to swim without underwear

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Answer 11

a black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. the parrot is beautiful with bright colors of red, blue, green and yellow. the bartender says, "Wow that's fantastic!!!! Where did you get that?" and the parrot says, "In Africa; there's millions of them."