am I being selfish wanting this for us?

Question

me and my partner have 4 kids between us but I would love us to have one between us so we can share it all between us he seperated from his ex wife when she was 3 months pregnant and werent aloud anywhere near her or the baby till it was 4 months old .He says he is too old at 37 to go through it all and it wont be fair on him or the kid .I think he is being stupid as he was 33 when he had his first one Am I unfair to want another one between us

I have 3 boys he has one girl

forgot to say at the begining he wanted to try for one and even last year was the same

Answer 1

It's not too late for him at all. Have you tried to make a deal with him? You could have another baby together, and he could get a vasectomy after the baby is born? If you ask this question you might not get the answer you're looking for, but at least you'll know how sincere he is.

Answer 2

Have you and your partner been together for a pretty good bit of time. If you have then I can understand why you feel that you would like to share a child between the two of you. But, this is a decision that the two of you would have to make.

Communicate to him the reason that you are wanting to share this treasure with him. Maybe he has reasons that he wishes not to have another child. Having a child is alot of responsibility and he also may still have issues over the fact of the child that he was not allowed to see until it was four months old due to the problems that he had with the mother.

Even though you may feel that this, having a child together, could bring you closer together, it could also become the issue that tears you apart. Apparently he loves you for you and not because you are the mother of his child. If he continues to not want another child you need to respect his decision because it does take two to make a baby and he has just as much right in deciding as you do if this is what he is wanting. Wish you the best on this subject and remember to keep an open mind to his reasons.

Answer 3

You cant be selfish to want one. You would be selfish to have one if its not what you both want. Some people think that having a baby affirms the relationship, im assuming you realise thats bull. You certainly dont need another child, do you fill gaps in your life with the love of your children, or maybe are trying to make him show his commitment and love.
I know I dont know the circumstances but has it occured to you that if he left one pregnant woman hes quite capable of leaving another.
How long have you been together. You need to take the existing childrens feelings into account, they have already had lots of upset in their lives by the sounds of it, they dont need another baby around, especially if the relationship is not old enough to be sure of.
Do you both support the children yourselves. If you are living off the social id say definitely dont do it, but I have the feeling you arent.
Sorry if it sounds like im leaping to a lot of conclusions, but i only have the info you have given to work on.
Notice i havent mentioned his age, although it makes a difference, yours makes more when it comes to the health of the child and its siblings make more when it comes to how well it will fit in. His age will just make a difference, in how early he gets to live his own life again, though by the sound of it his first is just 4, so that wont be much of a problem.
Good luck, this is something the two of you need to decide together. You are obviously not that selfish or you wouldnt be so worried about the decision. Do what is best for the children first, what is best for you and your partner second.

Answer 4

Maybe it has suddenly hit him that you might do the same to him as his ex did over the baby she was carrying, it must have been so awful for him to be treat that way and he has hidden that hurt for a while and now is come to the surface and hes panicking with your suggestion of a baby and hes just a bit scarred, look can't you sit down as a couple and thrash this out between you both, if he really doesn't want a child for reasons he holds dear then the only thing you can do is be grateful for the children around you both now or move out and find someone else, but I don't think that is an option for you as you obviously love him, don't push or pester him, listen to what he has to say and put your views across and see if you can come to a solution, good luck.

Answer 5

He obviously has an issue with having kids. I don't know the situation but he split with his ex when she was 3months gone and as he wasn't allowed to see the baby so I'm assuming it was something he did, which really doesn't inspire confidence.

How is having a kid between you going to make things better? What can you experience with a new kid that you can't experience with the ones you already have? Is this some form of band-aid baby hun?

I'd say drop the subject before he drops you. You're not being selfish but perhaps a bit silly. Having babies is not the way to cement a relationship, maybe try getting a wedding ring first.

Answer 6

First of all why would you want someone like that to be the father of your child? He's already told you he doesn't want another baby ("too old" is probably just an excuse). If you want that child so you and he can share it -- well, it doesn't sound to me like there will be much "sharing" going on. Would that be fair to you, to him, or to the baby?

I'd wait if I were you. Stop talking about having a baby for now. See if he loves you enough and is committed enough to marry you. You see, I get the feeling he just doesn't want to be tied down with another baby, but if he's willing to make the marriage committment, it might mean he's finally grown up and changed enough to be a father again. And maybe be a "Daddy" for the first time.

I don't think you're selfish, really; but I don't think you've thought this through.

Answer 7

you are not the only one that going through the problem of wanting a kid with your loved one but he doesn't want one. i am going through the same thing my boyfriend is 38 and has a 9 year-old. when we first got together a year ago he was talking about wanting at least one more child. we were even talking about this in April. now it's like he's totally against the whole idea. i'm only 20 and i have never had a child of my own and ever since i held my cousin when they brought him home from the hospital at three days old i knew i wanted a baby of my own. but i have no idea what to tell you cause i can't even get my boyfriend to change his mind on the subject.

Answer 8

Yes you are being selfish, and don't even think of "trapping" him. Grow the heck up, and try raising your kids on your own. That's likely where you'll end up if you push this. You are living in a fantasy world. Get a hobby or find a job to kill your free time. Better yet take your 4 kids to a park and concentrate on what you already have. Some people aren't as fortunate. be glad his WIFE let's you she the baby AT ALL.

Answer 9

I don't think you're being selfish or unfair, but it sounds to me as if your husband does not want to have any more children. I can understand why you want to have a child between the two of you-he is the man you love, but do not force this issue with him. You do not want to have to talk your husband into this because then it won't be the two of you wanting it, it will be you wanting it and him giving in to you. You might have to just love the four children that the two of you have together and be happy with that. I don't there is a problem with discussing this with him again. Let him know how you feel about it and then listen to how he feels. Let him know that you understand how he feels and that you want the both of you to make this decision together-no matter what the decision is.

Good Luck!!!

Answer 10

I am 37 and I have 2 kids and there is no way I want to go back to the begining again. I don't want to be nearly retired just when my kid would be starting work or university, let alone the 1st couple of years.
If you are having a kid just to cement your relationship...then maybe thats not a good enough reason to have a kid in the 1st place. He has already been split up from one family, obviuosly i don't know the reaons why, but I would listen to him when he says he doesn't want more kids!

:)

Answer 11

k well my bf and I have 6 children between us but none 2gether. it has made our bond stonger because we have not had 2 start all over. I see where he is coming from u do not need a child 2 have things 2gether. u can build a stronger relationship if u r not trying 2 raise yet another child. children cost a lot in time, money, emotion n u can redirect that between the 2 of u n be a lot happier than raising another child. besides 4 is enough hun u really do not want another trust me lol