gimme som jokes the best one gets 100% Actually FUNNy ones not sad knock knocks?

Answer 1

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

Answer 2

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Answer 3

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks.
So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a
rooster.

The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy;
he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd
be worth it. So, he buys Randy.

The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving
the rooster a peptalk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've
got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money
and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some
fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the henhouse
and Randy took off like a shot. ~WHAM~ He nails every hen in there
THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked.

Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the
lake, ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese.

Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on
every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even
last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next
day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard.

Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his
head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get
you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Shhh. They're
getting closer....

Answer 4

Ring Ring
Who's there?
Not Sad knock knocks

Answer 5

Whats brown and flies through the wall?

casper the friendly pound of mince.

Answer 6

check this out.....

Little Johnny has a question, so he goes around the house to find his father. He opens his dad's bedroom door and finds his mom and dad humping away on the bed! "Dad!" says Johnny, "What are you doing!" Johhny's father stops humping for a second and says "Well, Johnny, I'm playing poker...and your mother's the wild card". "Oh,"says Johnny and he leaves the room.

Still in need of an answer to his question, Little Johnny set out to look for his big brother, Ernie. He opens his brother's bedroom door and finds Ernie and his sister Thelma humping away! "Ernie!" cried Johnny, "What are you doing!". Ernie stops humping for a second and says, "Well...I'm playing poker, Johnny... and Thelma is the wildcard. "Oh", says Johnny and he leaves the room.

Later, Johnny's dad approached Johnny's room to call him to dinner. He opens Johnny's bedroom door and finds Johnny wacking off like it was going out of style! "Johnny!" his father said, "I see you're playing poker, but where's your wildcard?"

Johnny replies, "With a hand like this, who needs a wildcard

Answer 7

Heres one,(not that funny though)
Child: MON, CAN I HAVE SOME ICE-CREAM?
Mom: NO SON, U'LL CATCH A COLD.
Child: OK, CAN I HAVE SOME, WEARING A SWEATER.

NOT FUNNY!!!
THNX FOR THE 2PTS!!

Answer 8

My weird clean sense of humour-

Two eggs in a frying pan, one says to the other,

"cor! It's hot in here!"

The other says,

"Ah! A talking egg!"

Yeah, I'm weird, I know it.

Answer 9

goodnight im off to bed

thats a good joke i suffer with insomnia

Answer 10

an old lady at a cash machine asked me to check her balence. so i pushed her over