2006-08-01 22:27:34 · 23 answers · asked by Jovigirl05 3 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
Just got banned from B&Q ...some git in an orange apron asked if I wanted decking ...Luckily I got the first punch in!
2006-08-01 22:33:17 · answer #1 · answered by Mickenoss 4 · 4⤊ 1⤋
Superman
A guy goes up to a bar located at the top of a very high building. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy.
"I've never been here before", the first guy says. "Oh really?” the other replies, "it's a pretty good bar. You see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and pushes you back up."
"No way, that's impossible" the first guy says
"Not at all, take a look." With that, the man walks over to the window opens it, climbs onto the sill and jumps out. And he drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up to the top and sails back in through the window.
"See, its fun. You should try it", he says.
"Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!” the first man shouts.
"Here, watch. I'll do it again". And with that, he jumps out the window again, falls about 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up through the window into the bar.
"Give it a try, it's a blast", he says.
"Well, what the heck.” the first man says. He jumps out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...60...70...80...90...100 feet and eventually splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk below.
After all this, the other guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".
2006-08-01 22:48:32 · answer #2 · answered by Beanie_Baybe_Goddess 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
2006-08-02 00:15:38 · answer #3 · answered by ♥ask me♥ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The Life Cycle
I think the life cycle is all backwards
You should start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
2006-08-01 23:45:04 · answer #4 · answered by Dannie 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
SMile
2006-08-01 23:03:13 · answer #5 · answered by Ish 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
One day a father gets off work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson "how much is the Barbie in the window"? The salesperson answers, "which one? We have:
Workout Barbie for $19.95.
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for 265.95
The amazed Father asks: What? Why is divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?
The salesman annoyingly answers:
Sir....., 'Divorced Barbie comes with :
Kens car
Kens house
Kens boat
Kens furniture
Kens computer and
One of Kens friends.
2006-08-01 22:46:12 · answer #6 · answered by VL MAN 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hi!
i have a joke for you,
it was on a Sunday morning in a church setting, the pastor was preaching on a topic "CAST IT INTO THE RIVER" the pastor was aware of the fact that his members loves Drinking Alcohol.....and so he commenced by saying "If i have all the money in this world i will cast it into the river, if i have all the Alcohol in this world i will cast it into the river.........so that i can LIVE!
the members were disappointed at the end of the sermon........
one of the church leader stood up and raised a congregational Song which topic is" WE WILL DRINK OF THAT RIVER!!
the hope of the members were restored because there is hope for alcohol in the river!! Hallelujah!!
have a lovely day!
2006-08-01 22:52:45 · answer #7 · answered by glad4you 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Listen to Eminem Encore Albom & you'll find some funny songs
2006-08-01 23:08:23 · answer #8 · answered by Yagami 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A Blonde is a burnt out Redhead : )
Love & Blessings
Milly
2006-08-01 22:35:43 · answer #9 · answered by milly_1963 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
put on a song you haven't heard before, close the curtains and dance like you've never danced before!! That always makes me laugh
2006-08-01 22:32:20 · answer #10 · answered by willows 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋