Can anyone give advice to a frustrated step-dad who does not get along with his teenage step son?

Question

I've been in his life almost 10 years now and we still have problems. It's very up and down, and he is heavily influenced by his father. We're just different people and pretty much don't see eye to eye. I guess part of me wants things resolved yet another side just has given up. My wife and I have continuous struggles in our relationship with this as well. I never realized how difficult this would be, and probably never would have done it knowing how difficult these teen years would be. Of course his mother sides with her son every time, almost blaming me most of the time. I'm certainly far from being perfect, believe me. I'm sure I have many faults of my own as I didn't come into this experienced in the least. My step son and I can't even really talk to one another, there seems to be too much of a barrier now. My wife and I have kids of our own too, which complicates things even more. I just don't know what to do anymore.

So many great response here. And so many different perspectives, which is great. Thanks to everyone that has replied and given advice. I do appreciate it.

Answer 1

Doing what you are doing is smart--venting. You can't let this type of frustration build up. What a terrible strain you are under--regardless of who is to blame or not.

Teens, I don't have to tell you, are hard. You have a double whammy of a step-son with issues from bio-dad.

This may sound stupidly simplistic, but think about what you are fighting with him about. Does any of it involve anything that would hurt the other kids? If there are just things you don't like (piercings, cigarettes?) then try and not get involved.

Easier said than done, since you clearly care a great deal for him. I have so many stupid arguments with my three teens sons, and then i realize that i am not only on their level, usually losing the fight.

There is one parenting approach called love and logic. http://www.loveandlogic.com/ I'm not suggesting you buy the stuff, but look at the approach. It's simple, but a lot easier said than done. when I have used it, it works. You simply tell them the consequence (one that can be followed through on, and a non-nuclear one!) and walk away. Staying matter-of-fact is the most effective approach I have ever used or seen.

Take time to make sure he knows you care--when you are not in a fight. Catch him doing things right if at all possible. if he's in legal trouble, or screwing up and causing problems for the family, remind him how much he means to his mother, and that you will take care of her.

Teens are too hard somedays, and a divorce /remarriage is a challenging dynamic. Why do kids do things that are only counterproductive?

There is no answer. One thing I have learned is that many of my kids issues are my issues--not feeling listened to, taken seriously, not being respected or valued. i try and make sure that they know, even if I disagree with their choices, I do respect their right to feel anyway they want to feel. Actions are the issue. Theirs are misplaced, but nonetheless real to them.

I guess the short answer is, take the high road. Might get lonely, but it will be worth it in the long run.

god bless you and your family.

added: given the number of responses, you are clearly not alone!!

Answer 2

Being a dick is not illegal. And while he might be being horribly obnoxious, you getting violent is not helping things. Being violent IS illegal. Yo complain about his breaking stuff? You break stuff too: a TV and a glass door. You throw things. You kicked a whole in the wall. You attacked your step dad by your own admission. That's called assault. You complain he tackled you, even though you admit you were physically out of control. He is wrong that you don't have any rights. However, I'm not at all sure whatever it was you were talking about is a "right." You are legally under his supervision unless he is criminally abusive or neglectful, in which case you could get the law involved. You complain "they start the problem." Are you sure? You're a teen, and you're angry. Teens tend to blame everything on their parents. Are they, perhaps, being strict with you because you are out of control? Breaking TVs and kicking holes in walls is NOT normal teenage behavior. You want to blame your behavior on them. Maybe they're trying to bring discipline back to an increasingly violent child. I'm not meaning to put all the blame back on you, but I do suggest you take a very hard look at your own part in all of this, rather than simply painting yourself the victim.

Answer 3

Hate to tell you this but it isn't your place to be disciplining your step son.
That is his mothers job. That is what gets more couples in trouble. Let your wife handle him. Stop the little nit picking and just let her do all the disciplining or as much as possible. You said you have children together so if you don't want YOUR kids to end up being in a step father situation because you and your spouse end up divorced then just back off some.
And another thing is............if you expect your step son to respect YOU then try showing him some respect also.
If you would just ease off and stop trying to be his "father" things might be a little better.
Your step son is thinking " I have a father" I don't need this guy trying to replace him. He also feels like you are not his dad so why should he have to listen to any thing you say. That is why I say let his mom handle the discipline or as much as possible.
Kids, especially teenagers have a chip on their shoulders and they don't want a STEP to be dictating their lives. Hell they don't want any parent dictating their lives much less a step parent.
Get together with your wife and together decide what your boundaries should be. And then yall talk to the son and let him know what those boundaries are.
If he sees his father on a regular basis and you or your wife get along with him and yall are civil then ask him to sit the boy down and talk to him. Explain to him that while he is living in yalls home that there are certain things that are expected out of him. He will tend to listen to his father more because he isn't the one raising him and making all the rules. His father has become more of a friend then a parent since he only has him on weekends or whatever.
You will probably always be the bad guy in the home as far as he is concerned the best thing you can hope for is a little cooperation and a little respect.
But you have heard the old saying...........respect is not something that you get automatically, you have to earn it to get it.
As for the mother taking up for him......of course she is, that is her child. And she will always take up for him. The best you can hope for there is that she can learn to communicate with you when it comes to the boy and listen to your side and then discuss things in a mature fashion.
Our wedding vows say "forsake all others" and that is suppose to mean everyone, our kids included. But as a mother I'm going to tell you that isn't going to happen until that child is grown and out on his own. Then maybe she will start taking your side more.

Answer 4

Ask permission from your wife to take him away - far away - for a weekend. Just the 2 of you. My suggestion is to go hiking and get away from everyone... This way the both of you can vent without anyone else becoming concerned. Discuss how u feel and listen to him as well... NEVER interrupt him... It's very disrespectful, as you well know... ALWAYS ask if he's done so you can talk now. Talk, DON'T lecture...

Apologize - yes, apologize - for intruding into his life... Let him know that, to him, you're sure that you are unwanted, but you'd very much like to change that and would appreciate it if he could at least let you into the lobby of his life... It's freakin' cold out here..! Let him know that the very reason the both of you are doing this is because you DO care about him and would like to be a part of his life... After all, your friends you can choose, but you're stuck with family...!

Answer 5

I dispised my step dad - he never did anything mean, he was just wierd and basically, he wasn't my dad and I didn't like him. After a few years of arguing and fighting, we occupied the same house by basically just agreeing to be as cordial as you are to a stranger. I didn't want to be his friend and I certainly didn't need another parent.

Don't try to be his parent - he already has two. Don't point out his flaws, his mother can probably see them. It isn't a happy and Leave it to Beaver household, but at least we weren't fighting all the time. Let your wife know this is how things are going to be and you are done trying and you will now just tolerate him and you ask that he does the same with you.

Answer 6

I apologize that you are in such a difficult situation.

I know everybody knows this, but I feel like I should still remind you.
Communication.
You need to have a family meeting and discuss each others problems, feelings, concerns, etc.
Then you need to discuss possible solutions.
If getting the entire family together proves difficult, suggest family counseling.
However, if they don't agree with the idea of a family meeting, I doubt they will agree to counseling.
In that case, go it alone.
Every little bit will help on your part, and you can apply what you learn and also learn how to cope with it.

I hope my advice helped and things work out.
Take care!

Answer 7

I don't see eye to eye with my step-son either, but we've grown to respect eachother and on occasion I will ignore my own 2 biological children and take him out, doing what he wants to do and I join in no matter what he throws at me. We usually end up laughing about it.

For my hubby with my 2 teenage daughters, he has a much harder time, but I have to agree they give him a much harder time than my step-son does to me. lol. But we don't berate the other on our parenting skills with our own children. We also realize that all our kids came from another home with other ideals and we as adults has had to come to grips with that also.

Last but not least, we do not, let me repeat DO NOT discuss children in front of the children, we do NOT give up, we also do NOT force the step-children into respect. And I agree with one answerer who said that the mother already knows her child isn't perfect. That's where my hubby and I draw the line. We know our kids are not perfect, nor are we, but we are there for eachother no matter what.

Slowly his son and I are beginning to have a relationship. There is a budding friendship between him and my youngest. As for my oldest, neither one of us can deal with her, but we are trying. lol.

Don't tolerate, but don't discipline or berate either. Just try to understand that he is a teen-ager and behaving like typical teenagers do...........absolutely dispicable. And if it weren't towards you due to his parents still being together, then believe me when I say this same behaviour would be directed at the biological father as he'd then be the disciplinarian.

Answer 8

Ever see Rebal Without A Cause? Filmed in 1955 starring James Dean. Boys in their teenage years can be rebels for no reason at all. Others are just a little disagreeable. Think it's hormones and a way of starting to cut the apron strings to leave the nest GOOD LUCK,BE PATIENT,AND GOD BLESS

Answer 9

It Sounds To Me That You have Your Plate very Full. Maybe A Family meeting Would help. You And Your Wife Have To be In Sink With One another for This To Work Otherwise Things Will Only get Worse.

Answer 10

It seems as if you all need to sit down and talk it out. You have been in his life for 10 years and by now he should have come to love and trust you...but then theres the influence of his father....thats a problem because his father is causing problems. I can understand you wanting to give up and then this leads to arguments with your wife. And then mom sides with her son...wow, you seem to be fighting a losing battle. And then you and your wife have kids of your own? The only way you can begin to solve a bit of the trouble is by sitting down with your wife and coming up with a workable solution. Then, introduce the kids to this solution...The kids have to understand that you are all working together and there are no enemies in this...See if the kids can lend some suggestions to a solution...and see if you can work it out that way. Maybe if the kids see that they are part of the solution they will stop being part of the problem...know what I mean? They may feel better being included in it rather than being treated like 'kids' who have no opinion. Try to treat every comment with respect and maybe together you can all come up with something that meets everyones needs.