Tell Me the funniest joke/story you've heard!?

Answer 1

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

Answer 2

Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told them that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1…2…3…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”

The second one replied, “I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with 10 pineapples.”

Answer 3

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed...

On your right side is sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you...

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo...

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?










Answer:
Get off the merry-go-round.

Okay, so it may not be the funniest, but gave me a good laugh.

Answer 4

A carpenter was fixing the roof of a church when he struck his thumb. “Damn it, I missed!” cried the carpenter. The minister corrects him by saying, “You shouldn’t say such a thing in church.” The carpenter continues his work, and soon strikes his thumb again. “Damn it, I missed!” screamed the carpenter again. The minister corrects him about his vulgarity again. The carpenter continues his work and yelled a third time, “Damn it, I missed!” When the minister corrects him this time the carpenter asks, “What’s going to happen anyway? Will a bolt of lightening strike me dead or something?” The minister replied, As a matter of fact, yes it will.” When all the sudden a bolt of lightening comes through the roof and strikes the minister dead. A large booming voice is heard saying, “DAMN IT, I MISSED!!

Answer 5

What Is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t."

Answer 6

I work at a dealership that picks customers up when their cars are ready. I called and sent my shop foreman to pick her up. My reg. driver was somewhere else, ans this cust. was your regular screaming betty.

When he got there rung and nothing, knocked and he got, "just a minute..." So, explained who he was and what he was doing there, and he waited. It was really hot that day, 110+F.

He got tired, knocked, and got again."just a minute..., he repeated his thing who he was and everything with his face and inch from the door "

He started to get pissed, .. she wants to be picked up right away and then makes wait, what could be taking her this long anyway, shower?

20 mi's went by knocked, nothing. waited 5 more min's knocked and yet another: "just a minute..., he said, I need to get going back to the dealership and more..."

He told me that by now he was beet read from the heat and mad, got in the car, started it, but thought how much trouble he might get in.. so he said one last time...

Knocked a LOT harder thi time, and a window from the 2nd floor opened, the woman stuck her head out the window and she sais, yes? and to be polite, he explained himself all over again...
She said she'll be they in 5 min's...

She finally comes down, opens the door and lets him in. He walks past the kitchen, studio and the living roon. By looking around he sees a weird looking box and started to shake, oh a fan he thought.
She smiles and as she uncovered it, a very familiar, "...just a minute..." voice came out of from in there.
Then, he realized that all this time that he was having a conversation through the door with a bird, parrot, whatever .....
boy was he livid when he came back !!!!!

Answer 7

once a boy wanted to take a shower with his dad.so he asked.dad can i take a shower with you?he said ok,but dont look at my limousine(private spot).the next day he wanted to take a bath with mom.so he asked.mom,can i take a shower with u?she said yes,but dont look at my garage(private spot).
later on the boy said 'mom open the garage so dad could put his limousine in'
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why are black people so tall??
cuz their nee-grows (just a joke)
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yo mama is soo fat you need a sattlelite to see her.
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there was once a girl named shut up.it was her first day of school.but the problem is that she lost her dog,trouble.she had to go to school so she couldnt go look for him.when she gets there her teacher says ''whats you name?'' she said ''shut up''. she asked again ''dont say that and whats your name??'' she said ''shut up''! then she said ''your goin to the office''.so there she goes. when she arrives the staff said,''ok,whats your name really''. ''shut up!!'' the staff said ''your goin to the principle.there she goes.the principle says,''ok, i might write you up if you dont tell me what you name is.whats you name? shut up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the principle says are you looking for trouble? she says yes.

you know her dog named trouble lol....
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A Farmer walks in to his bedroom with a Sheep under his arm., where his wife is in bed,he says;
''This is the pig I have to make love too when you don't feel like it''
The wife replies;
''I think you'll find it's a sheep.''
The farmer answers;
''I think you'll find I was talking to the Sheep''

Answer 8

This is a true story. My daughter and her family were driving in the country near where they live, looking for property for sale. My seven year old grandson said "Mom! Back up! I saw a FOR SALE sign."
"Where?" she said, "I don't see it."
"Right there. " he says. "See, it says HAY! FOR SALE."

Answer 9

mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb,
mary had a little lamb her father shot it down.
mary took the lamb to school, lamb to school, lamb to school,
mary took the lamb to school between two slices of bread.

haha!! yummy but awful at the same time..

Answer 10

Dan...good one indeed..LOL!