maybe I messed up, should I apologize?

Question

My 14 yo boy is good at Excel and frequently helps me write some reports. He dies that with extreme good will and once helped me all night long. Saturday morning he was helpi ng me and I was in a terrible mood, full of problems. We didn't agree on a chart type. He kept his opinion, I lost my temper, yelled and told him to use my type. He had an attitude and said Ok, if you want it wrong, it's your problem. I got mad at him, he was disrespectful and I grounded him for the rest of the Saturday. He felt victim of a big injustice, got resentful and there was tears in his eyes. My report was great but this morning in my office an expert told me the boy was completely right about the best chart type to use in my case. I felt like I was a sworm and I'mthinking about what to do now. My boy is kinda resentful. But it's true he was disrespectful. I'm a kinda loving mom, he should understand I was in a bad day. Anyway, I think I was unfair, should I apologize? And how about my authority?

Answer 1

yes, but explain he was so wrong in being disrespectful. teach him how to be mature in a disagreement, so when it is found out that he was correct, it can feel liberating. but to handle a disagreement in the way he did, it actually xed out how correct he really was. also, teach him how to be a gracious loser when in an argument/discussion if it is found out he is not correct.

Answer 2

As a parent also, yes I think you should apologize. But that doesn't mean that he was not also in the wrong and may not deserve punishment.

As the parent, you have to be able to keep your cool and arguing over something like this was probably a mistake in the first place. I think it is completely appropriate for you to go back and apologize and admit that you were wrong. Showing this type of humility is hard, but will be the right example to set for your son.

That being said, if you really feel that he was also disrespectful, he may have some apologizing to do himself and may still deserve the punishment. It is hard to judge the level of disrespect from a short, typed description of a conversation. However, you do have to set limits and if you feel they were crossed, carry through. Consistent rules are a part of parenting.

My guess is, if you admit your mistake and apologize - he will likely do the same. If that happens, it may be enough to put the whole thing behind you.

Answer 3

Yes you should apologize. PLEASE do so. especially to a boy who is 14 years old.. that is old enough for him to feel that he is a maturing, growing "mini adult", and those injustices go a LONG way in his mind. in fact, the more injustice he feels from you, the LESS he will respect ur authority!! he's not a kid anymore... kids get scared of their parents and are forced to fear/respect their parents' "authority"; also they cannot exacctly think for themselves cuz they just don't know. as they grow older, they learn what is right and what is wrong.. u have to allow him the ability to think for himself. teach him *by example* what is Right, which is to apologize when you do something wrong. that means yes, u, even an authority figure, should indeed apologize. that takes more guts and respect than to ignore or "force" authority onto someone. to earn ur son's respect back will make you feel so much happier, than if u continue to use grounding or unfair "i'm the parent, i'm always right" mentality; u weren't right in the excel chart right? ur a parent right? therefore UR NOT ALWAYS RIGHT. let him know that U understand that too, and that u are proud of him for sticking to what he felt was going to HELP YOU. he was trying to help you. build him up, praise him for his hard work, and say sorry that you didn't understand/see it before, and that at work they said his chart WAS correct. make him feel like a competent, successful person and he will appreciate that in u as he grows older.

btw...yes he should also know that his attitude will not help him to prove he is right, and that u did have a right to ground him just on that alone.... busting attitude is not a way to communicate w/ anyone (remember also, u were upset and frustrated and probably gave attitude to him as well...)

Answer 4

Let look at it from his point of view.

He was thinking he's helping you do something very difficult. He may seems to do it with ease but in reality it may be very taxing on his mind. He also most likely learn from experience and have done it many time and put so much in with helping you out. He probably feel that you should have know how to do it since you take the iob up but he decide to be nice and help you out. So he help you with it. He probably even feel he is also partially responsible with help you paying the bills. Hell he probably feel that this is also his career. On top of the list he probably was scared if you do it wrong, you could lose your iob.

Then when you got mad at him and yell at him, he feel like you were questioning him especially after all helps. This also could make him feel that your and HIS career was in danger and he would feel like he fail if you got in trouble or worse if you lose your iob, he would feel like he lose his iob as well.

So I really don't blame him for getting mad.

Think about this, if you are really experienced in something such as raise a kid and you help your son with his first child and he start to yell at you, wouldn't you be mad as well?

My suggestion is take him out for a dinner so you can apologize him and talk with him in peace. He probably need some reward to know that he is doing a good iob at helping you out. However let him know that he was being disrespectful as well. So be a adult and admit your mistake first and let him know that he's right, that will make him listen. Then you can gently let him know he was being disrespectful in way without making him mad. Also let him know he's doing a great iob.

(Sorry letter between "I" and"K" isn't working so I use "i")

Answer 5

Though your son should understand that you were having a bad day, you still need to apologize. I mean after all even if you son was having a bad day and he snapped at you, you wouldn't you want an apology. It doesn't undermine your authority as his mother, if anything it helps to bi\uild a better sense of respect towards you from him. Before you apologize tell him that in the future you would appreciate him trying to keep his cool and not to be disrespectful to you. Then you need to tell him that you do appreciate his help, followed quickly by your apology.

Answer 6

As parents we are supposed to lead by example, correct? Hey, you got mad, so what people get mad, specialy when they are stressed out from work ar school. Yes he was helping you, he should have and should always you gave birth to him didn't you. Should you apologize, Yes of course. He is fourteen and should be smart enough to know right and wrong, apologizing and saying thank you is the right thing to do, you would expect most adults to do so (in a decent society) so why shouldn't you. Good luck

Answer 7

Absolutely, let him know he was right, and I don't think he was THAT disrespectful, cause all in all, it seems like he's the one who knows a lot about this and I know you were stressed out but I know by experience that's also very frustrating to help somebody with computers knowing you know more than them and on top of it all, get critics, I've had this type of problem with my mom, I'm the one who knows a lot more about computers and i help her, after a few years she would just tell me what she wanted and let me do it the way I thought was better for me, it turned out right every time.
I think you should both apologize.

Answer 8

Whoa, you have a lot of advice.
I have a couple of kids and will always apologise.
remeber you were also disrespectful to him. Being yelled at for being right is not nice. Being yelled at for trying to help is also not nice.
A hug and a heart felt sorry. Don't bribe him with an ice cream or anything though.
You really sound like you have a sweet kid.
Well Done. All the best...

Answer 9

Apologizing when you are wrong, even if only in the way that you handle a situation, is always the right thing to do. It will not undermine your authority to admit that you are human and can make mistakes. Your son knows this. He'll feel much better knowing that you know it, too.

Answer 10

It is true teenagers are full of attitude (usually towards adults and especially their parents). I remember what a bastard I was! You need to explain to him that you where in a bad mood and did not mean to take it out on him. We all tend to do that, especially to the ones closest to us. Let him know - he was right about the spreadsheet. He should reciprocate the feeling and apologize to you.