10 points ----- now that i have your attention.....?

Question

now is the time to tell me a friggin joke

Answer 1

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day... Don't Lie To Your Mother

Answer 2

How about several jokes:

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship

Answer 3

A little bird was flying south for the winter when he ran in to a snow storm well the little birds wings froze and the bird fell to the ground the little bird thought that he would die and was chirping scared to death then a cow came by an took a crap on him the little bird was so happy because the cows crap was warm an the crap was keeping him alive that he was singing really loud then a cat heard him an came and dug him out of the crap an ate him


the moral of this joke is not every one that craps on you is your enemy and not every one that digs you out of crap is your friend

Answer 4

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''

The Teacher fainted.

Answer 5

there was a fly flying eight inches above the water. Little did the fly know that there was a bass in the water. The bass says", as soon as that fly drops four inches I'm going to eat it." The bass was unknowing that there was a bear standing on the bank. The bear says" as soon as that fly drops four inches and the bass jumps out to eat the fly I am going to eat the bass." Little did the bear know that there was a hunter even further back in the woods. The hunter thinks" as soon as that fly drops four inches, the bass jumps out to eat the fly, and the bear jumps in to eat the bass I am going to shoot that bear. Well, the hunter didn't realize that there was a mouse even futher back in the woods. The mouse says," as soon as that fly drops four inches, the bass jumps out to eat the fly, the bear jumps in to eat the bass, and the hunter jumps out to shoot the bear I am going to steal that cheese off the hunters cooler. Well, the mouse had no idea that there was a cat lying in wait by a tree back in the woods. The cat says," as soon a that fly drops four inches, the bass jumps out to eat the fly, the bear jumps in to eat the bass, the hunter jumps out to kill the bear and the mouse goes to get that cheese I am going to get that mouse. Here is what happened...... The fly dropped four inches, the bass jumped out and ate the fly, the bear jumped in and ate the bass, the hunter jumped out and shot the bear, the mouse ran and got the cheese, and the cat went for the mouse but missed and landed in the water.
moral of the story is......everytime a fly drops four inches, pu*sy always gets wet.

Answer 6

Jesus, Moses and Elijah were feeling good one day so they decided to go golfing.

Jesus being Jesus always gets to tee off first. They get to the 7th hole, which is a long par 5 with a creek running across it at about 240 yards. Jesus gets up to tee off and selects his driver. Moses asks Jesus if he is going to try to drive across the creek and Jesus says that he is feeling so good that he thinks he can make it. So Jesus tees off and it is a long drive but it lands in the middle of the creek. Jesus asks Moses to part the water of the creek so he can retrieve his ball saying, "You know how much I hate to lose a ball." So Moses parts the waters of the creek and the ball is retrieved. Jesus tees it up again and because he is Jesus he gets unlimited mulligans. Jesus
says he is going to try to drive the creek again. Moses
responds, "Ok, but I am not going to help you get it back again!" Jesus hits tee shot again and sure enough kerr plop it lands in the creek again. So he goes down and is walking on the water looking for his ball.

Meanwhile back at the tee the following foursome has reached the tee.

One of the golfers says to Moses, "Look at that guy walking on the water. Who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?"

Moses responds, "No, he thinks he is Tiger Woods."

Answer 7

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named you daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom Ann, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
"Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Answer 8

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,............



............ "Those little bastards!"

Answer 9

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!" The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused,because he was a bad ***, and would fight at he drop of a hat.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!" The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! Go home!"

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Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.

Your Clothes

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

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Preparing for the Birth

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

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The Layette

1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

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Worries

1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

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Pacifier

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

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Diapering

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

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Activities

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, BabySwing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

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Going Out

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

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At Home

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

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Swallowing Coins

1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.

3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!


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Answer 10

Q....How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A....It doesn't matter, they'll never see the light anyway.


ha-ha-ha....I crack myself up

Thanks for the 10