whats your funniest joke?

Question

simple jokes only please

Answer 1

Jeremy Beadle has a tiny c ock.......on the other hand it's massive....




May only be Brits who get that

Answer 2

Two Turtles

Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."

"I promise I won't," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not ******* going!"

Answer 3

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''

Answer 4

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."

Answer 5

George Bush.

Answer 6

Blonde 1: I want to be the first person to ever land a spaceship on the sun.
Blonde 2: How are going to do that? Won't you get burned up?
Blonde1: Not at all, I'm gonna do it at night!

Answer 7

Scientist have discovered that female hormones are present in beer. Drink 12 pints and you talk a load of rubbish and can't reverse the car.

Answer 8

A man walked into an antique dealers shop.
"How much do you pay for a piece of tent cloth from Amundsen's polar expedition?"
The dealer called to his assistant in the cellar.
"Charlie, how much tent cloth from Amundsen have got got?"
"Three tons"
"Sorry" said the dealer.
Next day, the man was back.
"How much do you pay for a piece of wood from the cherry tree cut down by George Washington?"
"Charlie, how much cherry tree wood, have we got?"
"Six hundred metres"
"Sorry"
Next day the man is back. He slaps down a small, shrivelled leathery ball.
"How much do you pay for Napoleon's left testicle? And before you call Charlie- Here's the other one"

Answer 9

I like the joke posted by Lovers Fool...gr8!

Answer 10

Man goes into a Butchers shop and say's to the Butcher ' have you got a sheeps head?' to which the Butcher replied' No...I always part my hair like this!!'