Did you ever grow up with an abusive parent?

Question

My mother is a certified whacko and has borderline personality disorder. I have bitten my tongue and tried to have some semblance of a relationship with her. But she continues to hurt me, she gets you on her side and then when you least expect it will sink her fangs into your neck. She also criticizes me to the point of cruelty, telling me I look funny, I'm ugly, why do I wear this, or that...and has humiliated me in public.

How do you deal with someone who continually hurts you? I've tried to cut off ties but I'm an old softie, when someone is nice I get easily buttered up - plus I am too forgiving of a person which is a flaw in my character, I suppose.

Sometimes I cry thinking about all I've been through with her. I don't want to go into the sordid details but I tire of people saying, "You only have one mother." Well, it's awful to have one mother when you have MINE.

Recently she went crazy in front of me and my boyfriend. He was able to witness her insanity first hand and now understands what I've been telling him. Needless to say, her attitude was appalling and embarrassing.

Answer 1

Well, not so much abusive as emotionally neglected. There's more to being a good parent than merely putting food on the table and clothes on the backs of their children. A parent should prepare children for the real world.

Maybe you are a softie. Try to be tough and let her know how you feel when she says something that hurts. You don't have to necessarily break off your relationship with her, but you should change the rules a bit. Don't let her get you upset or angry. If she starts to upset you just look her in the eyes and say stop... and if she continues then you walk away before you get upset. That way she didn't run you off, you walked away on your own. If she does have a diagnosed mental problem, then you may want to consult a psych about the best way to work with her.

I looked at your 360 and blog, you look normal... stunning in fact. You're not ugly and your apparel appears to be applicable and appropriate. I do think your B&W pic makes you look like Catherine Zeta-Jones but that's a compliment (just don't go off and marry an older guy like Michael Douglas).

BTW, someone mentioned religion. Let's think about it critically for a moment. The Bible mentions how sins of the father will revisit the children. It's not supernatural judgement, it's cause and effect --bad parents tend to produce bad children. That is reinforced in the 5th commandment --honor your mother and father... If you take honor to mean reflect, then good parenting will be reflected in the child and bad parents will discover that their children honor them in kind. See, the Bible makes sense when supernatural explanations are not assumed. I'm not referring to you, Minx, but to an answer above. What can I say, I do preach to the choir because they are the ones who need it. :-)

Answer 2

Only you can decide what is best for you.
Dad was verbally, and sometimes physically abusive.
Mom is the only victim in her world and has continued to play martyr girl to this day. Nothing is her fault. She's such a freaking saint. She's always sacrificing herself for others. Yada yada, guilt trip, yada. I keep in touch with her, but I keep in mind that she always has a motive, so I've found ways to be neutral.
If I say "I'm sorry that you feel that way, what do you think I should do to fix it?" it doesn't really validate her complaint or admit guilt, and yet it forces her to tell me what she thinks I should do, or to realize she's not being logical and shut up. Whoever anybody is to you, you should not have to decide, out of obligation, to support their abusive behavior. You have to learn to seperate their treatment of you from you. Like pretend that you are a neutral onlooker, and her comments are directed at someone other than yourself. Then respond, without the emotion, to whatever the conflict is. My Mom pulls this crap because she likes the drama, so my emotional outburst only encourages her to behave badly, because she can go back and tell my family and everyone else in the universe, her version, and still be right with herself in her head. When she does actually have a valid complaint, she's still too immature to just talk about it. She stews on it, saves it for later, and then whips it out of her bag of tricks when she's got enough crap gathered. I just play like I'm not the person she's talking about and use my neutralizer statement on her.
Still do not really talk to Dad. He's not the same person he used to be. I'm not still resentful, it's just hard to establish a relationship with him because there never really was one to begin with.
I saw a counselor once, for a while, who was able to help me get a new perspective on the whole deal.
Hope that helps.

Answer 3

Hi, I've been thru allot with my Mom. When we get along it's great. As a kid I went thru allot of abuse. Mostly emotional although I have had my teeth knocked out, a radio smashed over my head, been bitten, pinched, pushed into walls, and told that I was stupid most of my childhood. My Mom is a very dark person.She can be very evil, I can usually sense when I'm getting on her bad side.I have been disowned more times than I can count. She use to keep me from talking to my Brothers when she was mad. She thankfully doesn't have that much control over me any more. The way that I have learned to deal with it might sound stupid and it's hard sometimes but I try to really forgive her in my heart for everything that she has done and will do to me.Because when it comes right down to it...out of all her kids, she has always hated me and I have always loved her the most. So, I hold on to the good times and let go of the bad. As far as what you should do, maybe try not to take her words to heart.If she says that you are ugly or not smart realize that she uses the words on you because it's probably how she feels about herself. My Mom seems to get going on me when she sees things are good for me. Maybe your Mom is jealous of you. Please feel free to talk to me if you want. [e-mail]

Answer 4

She does have a disorder. Maybe you should try getting her psychological help and medication to help her deal with it a little better. My parents weren't abusive, but I've had relatives that were/are to their children (some of the children gang up on one particular sibling too). It's sad. In some of their cases, distancing themself from the family seemed to have been the best option b/c they actually get along better now that they don't live under the same roof and they only see each other once a week.

Answer 5

Sweetheart...I could of written everything you just posted...My mother has mental illness and I have known she was "different" for as long as I can remember.She was verbally and emotionally abusive to me for my entire life. I cringe at the things that she did to me in my childhood, although I was fortunate to have my fathers parents who took me under their wings and gave me my only sence of normality. I too am like you and I am a old softy...I swore many times that I would distance myself from her and her crazy behavior, but she always sucked me back in. She would tell me (when I was around 9 or 10 years old) that I would come home from school and find her hanging in the garage, I had to get in the house through that garage and everytime I walked up my driveway and got up to that door, I can't even put into words the fear and hate that I had inside of me. She would play hide and seek with me when I was pre-school age and she would let me scream and cry for such a long time before she would come out and then laugh at me. Well I am sure you get the picture....
She is now 76 years old and I have been caring for her for 10 years. I regret doing so, not only because of my own feelings but my choice is not fair to my husband and my kids. I just have a hard time putting her into a home because I know she is mentally ill and she is alone, all she has is me. You are still young and I think you must get help. You have to. No one should have to deal with the emotional abuse that you take. And I know that sometimes other people just don't get it, and they don't realize that there are actually mothers out there like yours. But keep trying, someone will listen and help you. At least your boyfriend has seen it with his own eyes. My husband didn't really realize how bad my mom was either until he started to see it for himself.
If you ever need some one to talk to, let me know. My heart goes out to you.

Answer 6

Yup...I've been there. My mom used to call me a dyke because of my best friend's mom was a lesbian and burn me with lit cigarettes and hot lighters..etc.

Anyway, I know it's hard but you have to distance yourself. You have to not let her get to you. I know the feeling of people saying that "you only have one mother" or "you're supposed to love your mother" but if she gets a kick out of emotionally hurting you, then it's her fault.

I cut off all contact with my abusive mother and it's been like someone has finally taken the handcuffs off and I feel free. Think about it...Pain makes you stronger and I know it's going to be hard to trust other people but you can do it.

Do it for yourself. Just cut off all contact with her. Think about all the times she's embarrassed you or was mean to you and use that when you talk to her. If that doesn't work, just leave.

Anytime you need someone to talk to, email me. I've been there.

[e-mail]

Answer 7

HOW OLD ARE YOU?
IF YOU STILL LIVE AT HOME REMEMBER THIS, THE BIBLE SAYS TO HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER, SO UNTIL YOU ARE ABLE TO LEAVE, JUST TRY TO STAY OUT OF HER WAY. DO WHAT SHE ASKS AND TELL HER STRAIGHT UP THAT YOU DO NOT APPRECIATE THE WAY SHE IS TREATING YOU. TALK TO HER IN A CALM MANNER AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

Answer 8

no i did not iam sorry for what you are going thru it is not easy i will pray it gets better for you.Take care.