Tell me a funny joke and i'll give you 10 points?

Answer 1

A guy walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of vodka. The bartender asks the guy if somethings wrong. The guy says, "I just found out my twin brother is gay..." The bartender says, "Man that's rough" and pours him an extra one. The next day the guy comes in again orders 15 shots. The bartender asks "Man what's wrong today?" The guy says, "I just found out my cousin is gay. He was married for 5 years and has a kid too." The bartender can't believe it and gives the guy two extra shots. The next day the guy comes in again orders a whole bottle. The bartender can't believe it and asks the guy," Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife"

Did you hear about the gay midget?
He came out of the cupboard.

Three rabbis walk into a bar. One turns to the others and says, "Hey did you hear the one about us?"

A blonde is sitting out in the middle of a corn field in a kayak. Another blonde comes down the road and shouts at her,"What are you doing? Don't you know how dumb you look? You're giving all us blondes a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ***."

Have you seen Helen Keller's dog?
Neither has she.

Answer 2

THE NEW PRIEST

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass the monsignor asked how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So the next Sunday the priest followed the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office after mass, he found a note on his door:

1.Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.

2.There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3.There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4.We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

5.The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior & Spook.

6.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

7.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.

8.The Virgin Mary is not referred to as “Mary with the Cherry.”

9.We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

10.David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

11.When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ***.

12.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this bread and eat it, for this is my body,” he did not say, “Eat me.”

13.The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.”

14.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

Answer 3

An old man was walking in the forest when he heard by his feet a very weak
voice.

He bent down to look and saw that the voice came from a little frog: "I'm a
beautiful, erotic and sensual princess, skilled in all the carnal pleasures
of love. An evil queen, envious of my charms, turned me into a frog, but if
you kiss me I will once again be a fair maiden, and I will provide you with
all the joys and delights of my voluptuous temperament and my ardent lust.

The old man picked up the little frog and put her into his pocket.

Bewildered, the frog looked out and asked:

"What, you're not going to kiss me?"

"Nope," replied the old man. "At my age it's more fun to have a talking frog
than a sex maniac."

Answer 4

This is very clean!!

God was walking around in Heaven, making sure everyone was comfortable and had everything they needed. He came upon a cat and asked how everything was..the cat replied "Well, I could use a pillow to lay on." God granted him this and gave him a pillow. The cat thanked him and God moved on. God then encountered a group of mice, and asked how everything was. The mice replied, "Well, we have such short legs, we would really appreciate roller-skates to get around faster." God granted them this and gave them roller-skates. The mice thanked him and God moved on. A few days later God was making his rounds again and came upon the cat with the pillow. God asked how the pillow was and the cat replied, "The pillow is wonderful, and I LOVE the meals on wheels program you started!" : )

Answer 5

It was a hot day outside and a man was in his house with his coffe mug outyside the window. His wife came up to him and said, " What are you doing?" And he said, " I'm warming my coffee up" . So he held the cup for as few minutes more, and when he took it out, the cup was empty. He said " darn, it evaporated"

Answer 6

A man and a woman that had never met before were sharing a cabin on a train to Montana.The man took the top bunk and the woman took the bottom one.In the middle of the night,the man woke up the woman and said to her,"ma'am,could you hand me an extra blanket?It's chilly up here."And the woman responded,"Hey,would you like to act like we're married?""Yeah,sure."The woman grinned and said,"Get your own dang blanket!"

Answer 7

A traveler became lost in the Sahara desert. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. He was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water...".

A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?" With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.

"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"
"Well, sir," replied the bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about two kilometers south of here where you can get some."

Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.

Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"
"Water..." was the feeble reply.
"Oh, sir," replied the bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!"

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A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.
"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"
"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."

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A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar. The bartender picked up the five dollar bill, and folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket. Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him. Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, "Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying."

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A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew," the bartender remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry."
"You would be too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked.
"Fifty cents."

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A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"

The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."

Answer 8

Óne funny phone message...................Hi,this is john.if you are the phone company, I've already sent the money If ur my parents,please send money.If ur my financial aid institution; u didn't lend me enough money.If ur my friends;u owe me money.If ur a female, don't worry,I have plenty of money.

Answer 9

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend
so get yourself a dog."

Answer 10

why did the signal turn red?
You'd turn red too if you changed in the middle of the street!