What's your point of view and experience ? Can you help me get some perspective?

Question

I was in a serious relationship for 9 yrs with a man that I loved and believed was my soul mate. It was a mutual decison to go our separate ways 5 yrs ago. We did not want the same things from life at the time.
I have had several satisfying relationships over the years and am dating someone now.
Recently my ex's brother died suddenly. I sent a sympathy card. He called. We played telephone tag, then finally spoke for quite a while. He is living with someone. I told him that I was happy he has found someone special. He replied that he broke his shoulder and she was very helpful to him since he could not get around, etc. He added that he still didn't know what he wanted .
Before we hung up, he asked me if I'd like to do lunch sometime. Thinking it was just a fiip comment that we business people often make, I said, "Sure, call me."
Two days later he left a message. I haven't returned his call.
I'm conflicted because although I got past this man, I never got over him.
Any advice?

Answer 1

If this was just lunch between two people whose love was so well ended that it could be compared to a meeting between friends and nothing more, then you wouldn't have to ask the question at all. You still have feelings for him and you see this luncheon as the possible beginning of a renewal of that old flame. You sound like a person with good character, and part of that has to include being true to the person you're with now. To have a romantic date with someone else (even though the description of it as a "date" is predicated on the butterflies in your stomach more than the facts of the situation) is wrong. You must end one relationship before starting another one, or renewing ties with your old lover. If you're happy now, don't blow it by undermining your partner's trust. Even if your partner never finds out, seeing your old lover might undermine your happiness by causing you to doubt and wonder, and perhaps love your current partner less, or perhaps start something on the side that you already know will be unsatisfying. Don't do it to yourself.
If you weren't so worked up about seeing him, the answer would be an obvious yes- there's no harm in lunch between old friends. But you are worked up, and that's for a reason.
Also, even if you are not satisfied with your current situation, you know for sure that the old lover isn't the right person for you. You already know where that road ends.
There will always be people important to our history that we can love in memory, but who still don't get an invitation to our present. He used to be the man you loved. Now he's just a distraction from what's really important in your life.

Answer 2

Leave it as a past life experience. No one fully gets over anyone if they had loved each other. YOu have a new life with a good man. Do you really want to throw a monkey wrench into it? What can you possibly gain by stirring up the pot? IF this is above board in your head...only you can answer that one....AND if you can tell your man..."I ran into John the other day, he asked me to lunch to catch up on our lives, do you mind if I go?" then do it. There is NO reason to throw a friend away, regardless of the past. I suspect that having lunch with "John" will remind you of why you are exes, that your head will clear, and you will leave the lunch as friends, not past lovers...sometimes that is a very good way to get full closure. If you are really "past" this man, there is no reason not to IF you liked him as a person. It would seem he has not progressed in life....he "still doesn't know what he wants." I bet that in 15 years, he will still be saying the same thing....this could be very good for you. You just might want to include your present in this lunch. There is nothing to be lost by his being there, except he will probably be bored. Good luck

Answer 3

You need to exersize some restraint. if you do not want to fall in love with this person all over again, then think about any bad habits he has, imagine him with other women, find things that you find iritating about him and focus on these.

This is what happens when we fall out of love. We notice the bad things people do, and this sometimes eventually builds to a point where we see nothing else. When we fall in love we only focus on and associate with the good things that people do, to the point of irrational self delusion, where we make excuses for their bad behaviour. This constantly re-inforces our loving feelings for them.
reverse this and we fall out of love.

I am not suggesting that you go so far as hatred, but you could get your relationship into a more appropriate perspective.

Answer 4

Mr. Chivalry says,"Before jumping into that boat, how are things with his current companion? That's one thing you have to find out first. It's enough that infidelity is widespread, but you don't want to be a part of it, because karma is serious. If things are rocky with those two, and he is going to separate from her, then let it happen naturally. Don't interfere. Remember, if you interfere and cause a break-up, then the same thing can happen to you. I'm sure there's no problem in speaking to him, but take that situation with a grain of salt. Of course I can't make a decision for you, but I'm just telling you my opinion. The best of luck to you."

Mr. Chivalry has spoken.

Answer 5

My point of view is that once oyu have broken up with someone you should not get back with them again, because it will probably go wrong again.

Answer 6

i think you should go for lunch...he is moved by sympathy card..let him complete the cycle by honouring you.I can make it out from your description that he is attracted to people who r caring.

Answer 7

If nothing can (or should) come of it and it's only going to hurt you to see him again, then don't do it. Why re-open a wound?

Answer 8

Don't do it if you are happy in the relationship that you now have.
If it did not work then it will not work now most likely.

Answer 9

call him back arrange to get together for old times sake.

Answer 10

follow your heart girl