Controlling Husband?

Question

My husband is very controlling. We've been married almost 3 years and he gets upset if I go do anything with my family. I work really hard and don't have time for too many friends, but I am really close to my family. I helped my dad raise my brothers and sister because my mom left when I was 16. They are still in school now. Is it wrong to spend time with them when my husband isn't home? We go see them together and do things with them as a couple all of the time. However, he tells me I need to not do anything with them. I guess I just don't understand because he knew I was close with them before we got married. But now, suddenly it's not ok to hang out with them or continue to have a relationship with them. He would rather I stay at home and get something productive done. Am I wrong to still want a relationship with my family?

Actually, for those of you wondering...my house is always clean. He is an extreme neat freak and must be in control at all times of all things. He is not abusive...his comments are sometimes hurtful but he is not physically abusive. This is his 2nd marriage and my first. I will admit, I do see my family usually once a day or at least talk to them. But, that is because my bros and sis are still young. He goes places with the family, but he often has trouble controlling his tongue or acts like he is better than my family. So, sometimes I feel like hanging out with them by myself. Is that wrong?

This is the question he posed on this site--

Jealous of Inlaws?
My wife and I have been married for over 2 years and she wants to spend time with her family alone (go to a movie or a ball game, etc) to bond with them without me there.
Is she putting her family over me? should I have a problem with this? Does this mean that I do not come first in her life? Is she too attached to her family

Let me explain a little--my husband does feel insecure about everything in life and no amount of convincing helps. Just wanting you guys to get the full picture of what's going on.

Answer 1

Explain to him how important your family is to you and how it feels when he tries to limit your contact with them. Hopefully this works things out. The key to a successful relationship is communicate, communicate, communicate...

Answer 2

I don't think you're putting your brothers and sister over your husband if you see them daily when he's not at home. Even then, when he's home, you should do things together, but also have some space for yourselfs (that's my personal opinion).

Sometimes I'm amazed by the women ability to feel guilty over things they have no control off. Your husband says you must do something productive, and you question if you're doing right in seeing your brothers on your own time, when you do your part in the house.

By what does he mean productive? Have a job? Is he doing okay financially that you don't need to be working too? Did he talked to you before marriage on what he expected? If he has sisters, are they the working type, or home type? Maybe if all the women in his life had been working girls, he might have assumed that and given it for a fact when he married you.

Answer 3

Sounds like somethings up...if he had a good relationship with them and then all of a sudden he did a 360 then maybe you missed something. It could be that he and another member of your family are out of sorts with eachother and this could be his way of getting back or trying to distance the relationship. Another possibility is that he's jealous...it's a very common thing. Remember that a husband is a very loose relationship compared to your family...perhaps he feels threatened by you attention to them instead of him...or perhaps he feels like he's in competition of your attention.

Either way my advice to you is TALK TO HIM NOT TO US. We can give you all the good advice in the world but in the end it's you that has to actually deal with the problem. A husband and wife (no matter how long together) should never put down rules without disscussing it. You must remind him that you are not a child and he is not your father...so telling you that you can or can't do something is wrong in anyway. If he has a problem with your family then you should sit down and discuss it. He is your husband and I'm sure you love him dearly...but no one should ever make you choose between your family and anything.

Good luck

Answer 4

Ya know at first my thoughts were leaning to you but I think it would only be a fair answer to hear his side. So since we can't I'm gonna say you both need to give and understand each others view. If he really is a problem and you don't like what he has to say then end your marriage and go live with your family, BUT I am an old lady and when your family isn't there and your kids aren't there it's the husband and wife your kids will grow up and leave and have their own life and your family have theirs. A husband and wife is the closest relationship there is.

Answer 5

Are you kidding me? Of course you should continue your relationship with your family. Would they abandon you? He needs to accept you the way you are and not try to change you, it is totally wrong for him to ask that of you. It would be different if they interferred in your relationship. For instance my mother in law chose to not accept my children and because of that my husband and I no longer have a relationship with her. This was all caused by her reactions and it is too bad. I really wish things were different though, although I don't miss her criticism, I would have wanted my children to know their grandmother. Do what you can to keep everyone together and don't seperate a family over jealousy or stupidness because you will all regret it later. Life is way too short. You won't be able to get the years back that you missed with your family. You also need to make time for friends. This is very important for you to have time with friends in order to make your relationship work. Controlling someone is not good for the relationship and tell him if he wants to make things work, he needs to change. If he wants more done at home tell him to help out, geez this isn't the 50's anymore. Marriages are a partnership that are based on love, respect, honesty, loyalty and communication. Your sister especially will need you, considering you are the mother figure in her life. Please don't do that to your siblings who need you and look up to you. All that being said, in order to make a marriage work you have to make him feel like he comes first and I hope you don't spend every waking second with your family because that isn't fair to your husband. Limit your visits to a couple times a week or so. If you are over there everyday, well then you do need to step back abit. After all although staying close is important you need to try and make your relationship work and maybe start a family of your own.

Answer 6

your family should come first always. they will be there for you for the rest of your life and he is easy to get rid of or lose. I wonder why this would be a problem for him? from your entry I guess either A. Your home is slacking in cleanliness, thus spend some time at home and some time with family or B. He's cheating and worried that you'll see him out with the other lady.
There is obviously something going on. Stand your ground and find out what the problem really is. then you can compramise so that your both happy!

Answer 7

wow this is my x husband all over, i divorced him.
my husband began physical abuse though later on.
i married him at 19yrs and stayed for approx5/6 yrs during that time b4 we were married, couldnt have been more perfect. (sort of) after we were married he changed like u wouldnt believe. we moved into a slum of a place we we had a child together, this house should have been bulldozed it was so awful, cheaper the better my x said, didnt matter whether or not u had millions of cockroaches scatter when the lights went on during the night. then we moved to dungog in the country near his mother, thats when the real control started,
I didnt have a licence i had 2 children at home, he worked, i didnt. i wasnt allowed friends even though i had them, i defuinately wasnt allowed to go anywhwere social, if my mum came up to take me grocery shopping he asked who did i f u c k while i was away?
called me a s l u t, after my mum had gone of course.
i use to do a couple of aerobic classes and at xmas time was asked to have a drink with the girls at the local pub.
it was like pulling teeth.
he cried, begged me not to go, i said to him i really wanted to go and it wouldnt b for long
He turned up at the pub approx half an hr after we arrived
and his work mates had just come over to the table to say hello, when he barged in the pub, calling me every name under the sun,
It became worse and i eventually left him, i actually befriended another mum from the school and we had a relationship, im not gay but bloody hell it was good to get out.
so there u go, i hope things dont get that bad 4 u
Your family is everything to you.
if he dosent understand and support that you have a big problem, and that problem would b him, get rid of him, listen to your gut instinct.
He will take your confidence away, and once they do that you become a prisoner, and will end up a very sad lady. please listen to this and other sensible msgs. He will not change.
Good luck
Thinking of u.

Answer 8

You need to sit down and discuss this issue with your husband. If he thinks you need to stay home and keep the house clean, that's somewhat understandable, but you should still be able to see your family. He might be concerned your talking to your family about him while he's not there. ( Is there a reason he might be insecure?). But with him being this controlling it is a cause for concern, it is usually the first step down the road to abuse ( emotional or physical, or both) . I would suggest a marriage counselor if you can't get him to reason on this subject ( and you feel it is important enough) . Or if he wont agree to that even..I would get counseling for yourself, or just leave him.

Answer 9

There is nothing wrong with you feelings for your family. A close, loving family is one of the best things in this world. Talk to your husband about how you feel. AND remember that your feelings matter just as much as his do. Marriage is a compromise which means BOTH persons benefit. Tell him you WANT to be with your family but that doesn't mean you love him less. He is not your master, you are not his slave. He should be able to see that being with your family is important to you, and does not injure him.

Answer 10

I would say as long as you have all of your house hold chores done, and have nothing that needs done at home, there should be no reason why you shouldnt be allowed to visit your family. I spend entire days with mine, my family lives 2 hours from me, I drive up to see them 1 or 2 times a week. Family is important. But he is also your family now.

Answer 11

YOU ARE NOT WRONG TO STILL WANT A RELATIONSHIP with your family. It is a value not we can not dispose off just like that. Obviously, your husband does not value family relationships and that is scary because your marriage is in trouble.

However, there is hope. Both of you should see a marriage counsellor as soon as possible. Don't push but pray hard that God will open his eyes on family values. I'm suspecting that he didn't have a good and strong orientation of family values from his own family.