How do you explain death to an 8 year old?

Question

She has been having panic attacks about death. She's scared to die and afraid that my husband and I will die. She doesn't believe in heaven, and is very intelligent. How can I console her?

To elderadodave: you sound so mean and condecending...is that what you've learned from going to church?

just for the record, we've been going to church since she was born, and she attends a christian school.

Answer 1

You could try telling her the story of the dragonfly. Maybe I was a weird kid, but I really liked the story. It sort of tells us that even though there may be no heaven, even scientists don't know for sure that we don't "go" somewhere.


of Death As A Transition to A Better Afterlife

Stickney, Doris. Waterbugs and Dragonflies. New York : Pilgrim Press, 1982. (ISBN - 0829806091)

Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in a while one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about with its friends. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily, it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.

"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another. "One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you suppose she is going?" Up, up, up it went slowly. Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return. "That's funny!" said one water bug to another. "Wasn't she happy here?" asked a second water bug. "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third. No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled.

Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. "I have an idea. The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why." "We promise," they said solemnly.

One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broken through the surface of the water, and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings. The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly.

Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by, the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were, scurrying about, just as he had been doing some time before. Then the dragonfly remembered the promise: "The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why."

Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water. "I can't return!" he said in dismay. "At least I tried, but I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what happened to me, and where I went.

And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air."

Answer 2

If she's really have panic attacks it might be the thing to do to go with her to a counselor because what you describe seems a little more than the usual worries about death that kids get. I think, though, if I were the one with the child right now and having to deal with her fears I'd first tell her that most of the time people live to a very old age and are prepared for and ok with death that comes. I told my own kids that there are good health and safety steps people can take that helps put their own health and safety in their own hands. The other thing I'd tell her is that right now is not the time to be thinking about death because she is not quite ready to be able to handle it. It may be worth mentioning to her that whether or not there's a heaven doesn't really matter because if there is it would be a nice place and if there isn't its just like going to sleep forever.

I'm wondering if she's been exposed to death or illness more than the average child, and if someone or a pet has died and its gotten her thinking about it - again, a counselor may be able to help.

One thing is for sure, though, try to keep her mind busy on other things and try just telling her to think about more pleasant stuff right now and if she needs to ponder death wait until she's a little older and better able to deal with it before pondering it. Anxiety gets the "anxiety chemicals" going in the brain, and those "chemicals" lead to more anxious thinking.

Maybe, too, tell her, "Yes - death is a very sad thing when it happens to someone we love, and it can be quite challenging to get over such a loss; but if it were to happen nature gives us what we need to be able to get through it. And, fortunately, it doesn't happen too often."

Answer 3

I'm fairly sure that this is a phase that most kids go through. I'm sure she's more afraid of losing you and your husband than she is of dying.

Just be sure to emphasise that yes, people do die, but that's not the important part. The imporant thing is that you live your life the best you can and enjoy things, because you know they might not last. Tell her that if she's constantly afraid of death, she won't be living at all, which is much worse than dying, anyday.

Also, explain to her that you and your husband are looking after yourselves, because you know she needs you (like maybe mention you eat right, and wear your seatbelt in the car, and look both ways when you cross the road).

If she's still stressing about what will happen if you both die, then maybe tell her who will look after her if something should happen to you both.

Good luck! I hope she feels better soon.

Answer 4

You might need to seek the help of a clinical psychologist. You could also both search for all the different beliefs on what happens after death. Look at all the people who had near death experiences and found a light and went through a tunnel. By looking at death maybe you could assuage her fears and help her to understand that you and her dad are in good health and that you are not going to die soon. My little sister was about 4 when she became very interested in death (my mother was going through some serious postpartum depression) and we looked at all beliefs for life after death. Then because my mother was getting worse she eventually needed a counselor to help, but she is now a 22 year old graduate student and very smart.

Answer 5

Tell her that it is something natural that happens to everyone when it is their time, but that no one can know when that time is, and life is too short to spend worrying about dying. Tell her it is better to live life than worry about when it is going to end. Make her feel safe. Let her know that she is not going to die because she has you and your husband there to protect her. Tell her that you and your husband have succeeded in living thus far, and you have no intentions of stopping any time soon. Let her know that the world can be a scary place, but that if she just keeps aware about the things around her she can be safe. Teach her the things she needs to know about life that will ensure her safety. You know, all those simple things like look both ways before you cross the street, don't talk to strangers, wear a helmet, etc. Tell her all she has to do is be careful, but don't stress it too much, because that will just lead to being TOO careful, and too worried about doing something that might get her killed and just cause greater problems. I would also suggest going to the library or bookstore and finding a book on the subject. Rest assured this problem has been faced by many a parent in the past. Good luck.

Answer 6

Death is always a difficult thing to talk about, especially with children. I first experienced a death in the family when I was nine years old. My Uncle was 29 and was hit by a drunk driver while driving home, two days before Christmas. I was sat down and told what had happened and my grandparents told me that he wasn't coming home from the hospital because he had gone to Heaven instead. I wish you all the luck in the world and I am sorry for your loss.

Answer 7

I'm sure that is just a phase she is going through, though a scary one for her. To me alot would depend on your spiritual leanings. You mention she is very intelligent so there is no point in trying to gloss it over and ignoring it could be potentially harmful and cause her more fear and anxiety.I believe your best course would be honesty and reassurance as in "honey, I wish I could tell you I will be with you forever and ever but you know that is not how things work." Then go on to give her examples of how you take care of yourself ie: vitamins, exercise, not smoking, driving carefully etc to explain that the reason you and daddy do that is so that you will be around for a long, long, time to see her and her children grow up. Good luck!

Answer 8

We don't indoctrinate our children into believing in mythology just to cope with death, either.

I think taking her to church and telling her a bunch of lies about death is child abuse - not to mention it does not at all address her fears. She is not afraid you won't be in heaven. She's afraid of what will happen to her if you guys die, since she's figured out you can, and she's afraid of dying herself because it might hurt.

First question always is has something recently happened to cause her reaction? If a beloved family member recently died, she might need to be able to express her grief more openly, or even wrote/perform/draw a memorial.

YOu can comfort a person in panic attack mode by helping them gently change their topic, focus, mood. There's info on that on the net.

Apart from that, I'd say - Be upfront. Talk about how low the odds are that you will die, talk about what you do to keep yourselves and her safe, and talk about what will happen to her in the extremely unlikely event that both of you will die.

I have an 8 and 13 year old and my precious precious father, their beloved and devoted poppop died while we were visiting him recently.

I think it made them less afraid of death, because it's not a mystery now. It's a terrible loss and we shed many tears and try to tell happy stories about poppop. I see metaphors for his death coming out in lots of their stories and drawings and in conversation, too. It truly is a fact of life.

Answer 9

I have explained to my daughter from early on (now 6 year old) that everything dies. That is the life cycle. I have pointed out that spiders eat bugs, so bugs die. I have shown her a cemetary where there was a funeral and explained that someone has died. She knows that her mother and father will die also. I have told her that is just how it is. You can't be angry at something that has to happen. Tell her that she will die when it is time. She must understand that everything and everyone dies to make more room for more people and everything else. Also, tell her it doesn't hurt to die. It just hurts sometimes before you actually die.

Answer 10

if she is very intelligent then treating her like aperson and not like a kid would come in handy . Tell her the truth. If you yourself dont understand death, what it is and how to deal with it, then you could never explain it properly to an 8 year old.

Id seek help if this is the case