Our daughter is about to turn 24and is everything we dreamt of except for 1 thing: She hates us. When 3, she took to doing bad stuff and we had to be harsh to save her. One day she got home drunk, hubby got really angry and gave her a good spanking. She was also grounded for 2 months. From that day on, she's always hated her dad. And since I supported hubby, she stared dislking me. She changed, became a wise and wonderful girl. We though she'd eventually get over and would understand wqhat we did was for her best, but this didnt happend. While at our home, she avoided us, was polite, didnt get in trouble, an honor student, but it was clear she didn't like us. We did what we could to get her back, tried to talk, explain we had to be harsh, but nothing worked. She went to college, graduated, eft home. And practically wrote us off her life. Hubby's health isnt OK, we want to see her, hug her, tell her how we've always loved. But seems impossible, she doesnt talk to us. How this hurts!
2006-07-31 11:41:44 · 17 answers · asked by Edson 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Write her a letter and tell her all about how wonderful she was as a little girl--- all the terrific memories you have of being her Mom.
Tell her what you love about her now and how great it would be to have a relationship with her now as a young adult.
Best wishes!
from a grandma-aged person
2006-07-31 11:47:17 · answer #1 · answered by PeggyS 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Our daughter is about to turn 57 and up to this day she has not changed . I am telling you this because your description of the situation is ours exactly except we are a few decades ahead of you . She was and still is very much loved but it makes no difference . It's a brick wall you are looking at . The more you do for that person, the more they sponge it up . Money makes it worse, you cannot buy affection. Be there if she ever needs you, and she might .if not, be glad you don't get taken advantage of .
You have done nothing to feel guilty about . She is a grown person, she is educated and let her be to stand on her own two feet . She needs a few knocks in life to appreciate where she came from . It is HER problem to deal with it later when it is too late . Please , try to come to terms with it as much as it hurts especially if she should be an only child. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink .
Turn to your husband and find joy in each other . He is more important at this point .
2006-07-31 12:04:38 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry but something just doesn't sound right to me. What could she have possibly done at 3 yrs. of age that was so bad? and how old was she when she came home drunk? If she was a teen then, in my opinion, she was too old to be spanked. I get the feeling that you're leaving things out. Children just don't turn on their parents after being spanked so it seems to me that something else might have happened. You say that when she was 3 you had to be "harsh to save her". How harsh did you get and save her from what? I keep reading your situation and I get the feeling that your daughter was abused and if that's the case then she had every right to "write you off her life". I sincerely apologize if I'm wrong, but my gut tells me I'm not.
2006-07-31 13:38:06 · answer #3 · answered by Mollywobbles 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It seems like patents always want to get forgiveness for the "harsh" treatment of their child when they're on their death bed. What were you saving her from when she was 3? If she became difficult at 3 and stayed that way it should be clear that being harsh was not the way to go and outside help should have been sought out. So, at this point she should already know you both love her if you both showed it her whole life. You can't make anyone heal nor can your husband gain redemption by a hug.
2006-07-31 11:54:03 · answer #4 · answered by jojoladay 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Been there, done that to my folks... for about 2 years in my 30s.
In some ways perhaps it's a good thing that she is doing this... it might take her some time to resolve things for herself, but she is trying to resolve things in her mind whether it is obvious to you or not.
Personally I think spanking a 13 year old is a huge mistake. They are reaching or going through puberty, and to have an adult male spank their *** (possibly bare?).... that's degrading, not discipline in my opinion. Your own words say your husband was angry when he spanked her... an adult losing control of their emotions and spanking in anger is also a mistake.
It might help her come around if you could say "I'm sorry, we were wrong and there are no excuses. We should have found a better way. Can you forgive us?"..... NO excuses, NO following the apology up with a "But..." and a defense. In my opinion, ANY apology followed by a "but" is not an apology.
You define your husband's health is "not OK"... Is he on his deathbed or does he have diabetes? Using her father's health as a leverage tool to control her emotions will only backfire.
2006-08-01 02:43:56 · answer #5 · answered by mama_bears_den 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I assume you meant when she was 13 she came home drunk? Anyway, being a parent is tough, we're not perfect and sometimes our kids don't agree with the punishments we hand out... Especially during puberty it can be a difficult time, with our children turning on us in defiance, but normally as the child becomes an adult and especially when they finally become a parent themselves, they suddenly realize where you were coming from... It's a sad situation for you, but all you can really do is let her know you love her... you tried to do the best for her, you're proud of who she has become, you're sorry if she can't forgive you for whatever it was that turned her so against you, but if and when she decides to, you will always be there for her. Then you have done all you can and the ball is in her court. Good luck!
2006-07-31 11:54:20 · answer #6 · answered by Jill 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She doesn't hate yall. My mom thought I hated her. As soon as I graduated I put as much distance in between us as possible. But it's making our relationship stronger. You're daughter will come around in due time. It may be when you least expect it, but she will. It took me getting pregnant to realize why my mom was always so harsh with me. We're girls, we hold grudges longer than anyone, but sooner or later we let them go because we grow up and start to realize what the world is really about. A word of advise, don't bring up old stuff when you talk. It only make things worse, because she'll start thinking about it. Move forward always. Don't look back, you'll always stumble.
2006-07-31 12:44:16 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know this isn't going to pleasant to hear, but by dwelling on this for years and years you are not getting any closer to your daughter, and severely affecting the lives of both you and your husband. You really do have to start concentrating on the efforts you both made to raise your daughter as best you could, and then just "let it go". Concentrate on your own well-being with a state of mind that you've done what you can, and let the past go. The future will take care of itself.
2006-07-31 11:50:44 · answer #8 · answered by Jolly 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You guys need to talk. Best thing, let her get her feelings about the situation out. Maybe there is more than one event that has her angered towards you. Let her tell you. It'll probably make her feel better if you are willing to listen to her side of the story, and acknowledge that she has feelings about it too.
If you choose to do this, don't go in with any expectations of defending you or your husband, just aknowledge her feelings. Let her know she has a right to them and that you could never hold that against her. Your easiness in the situation may make it easier for her to find forgiveness.
2006-07-31 11:49:20 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know how it feeels but im only a daughter the po-po came to the house today because ((pretend you were my mom and your daughter was my brother))) ok he was wrestling with my mom...abusing her and stuff so he spaked him and left off
so im only 13 and trying to get my 18 year old brother off my 44 year old mom...imagine that! i know so he said **** you...I hate you...I dont give a ****..Go to hell(that was the saddest thing)) she was having a fit but they were still wrestling my mom was yelling for help so i called the po-po and so they came technically they said if the person is over 18 their concidered as an adult you may not harm them or take anything away from the i was so scared and i yelled at the police they were making my mom cry and you probably know how that feels it was a living hell....anyways the point is if they storm off and say i hate you **** like that they'll get over it but im scared so i prayed to God but i havent seen him since i mean we could arrest him for driving without a lic. or for stolen vehicle ...they'll get off it good luck!
do what you think is right treat her with respect and stuff
2006-07-31 11:57:25 · answer #10 · answered by LOVE IS YOU 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋