How to prevent toddler aggression to new baby?

Question

Our boy age 3yrs 2mths is showing aggresion to our 7 weeek old baby girl. Although he is sometimes sweet with her and says he loves her, he will not leave her alone and will suddenly go up to her and hit her. Sometimes it starts as a cuddle that gets too strong. This evening he hugged her head and pressed his chin into her very hard for example (deliberately). Even when he is the one getting attention he can't keep himself away from her. there has also been violent shaking of the car seat/bouncy chair/pushchair and poking her head with his finger.

We are trying to give him as much attention as we can. When he has been rough with her we have put him in time out and explained why..

I am trying to get baby to sleep upstairs so she is not disturbed by him and he gets time away from her. When he is on his own with us he is happy and mostly well behaved as he was before but he has been occasionally hitting out at us and throwing toys around.

Things are getting worse - what should we do?

Answer 1

Try to give him one on one time every day while the baby is sleeping.

Praise him for being gentle. Show him how to touch genlty. Tell him how much the baby LIKES it when he hugs or touches her gently. Explain that baby will see him best when he doesn't get right in her face.

Let him "help" with the baby by fetching wipes, diapers, burp cloths, bibs, picking out her clothes, singing to her while you change her, etc.

Let him hold her with your help or the help of pillows to prop her up.

Show him pictures and tell him stories about when HE was a baby.

Answer 2

Our eldest son is 3 yrs 1 month, and our new son is 8 weeks. I read your question thinking I could have written it myself - my 3 yo is doing the exact same things.

On our end, luckily, things seem to be getting better. About a week ago, our older son told my husband he was sad, and while he couldn't really explain why, we decided to really focus on spending more time with him and doing the things he wanted to do. I thought we were already giving him enough time, but clearly, he didn't think so. We are letting him choose weekend activities (we went to the pool, and he got to ride the "horsey" at the grocery store twice), and I'm trying not to be so hard on him when he acts up a dinner or at bedtime. While I was pregnant, I read him a book about me being pregnant, and I decided this weekend to buy him a couple of books about being a big brother.

One thing that seemed to help quite a bit was both kids had a shared doctor's appointment a few weeks ago, and while we were there he poked the baby in the eye. I was mortified, but the pediatrician was great, and she asked my son if he remembered a time at day care when an older boy hit or poked him and hurt him. When he replied that he did remember and that he didn't like it, she used that to give him an example of why not to do that to his brother. The greatest part is that now I can say to him "Remember what the doctor said? Your brother doesn't like it when you..." (fill in the blank.) Having heard this from an authority figure seems to have really helped him understand a little better.

Good luck!!

Answer 3

I only have one child but have friends who have had this problem, one friend walked in on her 3 year old with a pillow over his new sisters face. She was obviously terrified, but after a few weeks of letting him get involved, a bit of just time iwth him and mummy and a things the jealousy went away.

My cousin on the other had had her 2nd baby when her first was only 2 and 2 months, the new baby was prem and she spent alot of time with him in hospital always leaving the eldest with her mum etc. When the baby came home there was an instant hate as the baby had taken mummy away. Now hes almost 4 and 'bab'y is almsot 2 the hate is still there, purely because she blamed herself and let him get away with being nasty. They cant be left alone together and its quite horredous the way he can be.

I think u just need to be patient, make sure he knows what hes doing is naughty and wont be tollerated, but also make sure he gets involved, has alot of juts mummy time and they'r treated as equals. Im sure most people go through it.xx

Answer 4

Never allow him to be alone with her under any circumstances. He is very young, doesn't know how to control his emotions and yes may be jealous or over anxious. Just stay consistent about punishing him for being rough but at the same time really reward him for being gentle, thrive on when he is doing it right. Give him maybe his own doll, so he can hold it and comfort it when you are feeding the baby or changing her. That worked wonders with my daughter. She felt like she was being a mommy too and caring for her own baby. He will get better about it, it takes time for him to adjust. It has only been 7 weeks. Set aside one day a week where you take him somewhere special without the baby if you can, that will help as well. Explain to him he is the big brother and suppose to protect his sister, that he is her teacher on how to be nice...good luck, it will pass, promise.

Answer 5

It is very common for children to be jealous and mean to the newborn. He was the center of your world for 3 years and now he has to share mommy. Make sure you take time everyday to show you're love. When baby is sleeping, read him a story, do
an art project (make a Froot Loop necklace), and things that show he is the "big boy" (he can help mommy make dinner, help with the baby...getting a diaper, let him pick out baby's outfit...)

Help him to gain confidence by saying things like "You did that by yourself. Look how high you can climb! You used so may colors on your picture!" Let him know that you notice him. This is a great way to show attention and love.

Tell him that he is so lucky because he is a big brother (maybe even get him a big brother shirt). He can do so much more than a baby because he is older. If he keeps getting messages like these, he should start to feel more confident in his new world.

When he is aggressive with the baby, shut him out. Pick up and baby and coddle and empathize "My poor baby. That must have hurt!" He will not like feeling ignored. You can also be overly dramatic with this. When he goes near the baby pick the baby up and say "I'm afraid you might hurt the baby. I can't let you near her if you are going to hurt her." He will soon learn to be more gentle with her. Good luck!

Answer 6

I had the same problem, my eldest son was 3 1/2 when my youngest was born. He said he loved the baby and although he wasn't nasty to him then he used to be so sad anytime I lifted the baby. Now he is 5 and the youngest is nearly 2, he has started being nasty to him. He hits and takes toys off him. I had from the beginning involved my eldest and always made time for just me and him and stressed to him how much I missed the time we always had together. He did come round for a while, although he would sulk if my mum or dad even mentioned the baby. I think now that the baby is walking and talking he feels even more under threat. He has began having tantrums and not being as nice as he used to be. I keep trying to reassure him that I love him and he will always be my first son and it does work for a while. I would advise you to keep doing the same and when the baby grows up a bit it will soon learn to fight back, mine does.

Answer 7

Having a child of 3 and a younger brother or sister is difficult for them, its all about attention seeking, you say he has the attention you give him? Just carry it on, let him have more involvement with his sister, let him feed her under you supervision, and bath her, that way he will feel like he`s doing his job towards he. If you are not letting himdo much becouse your scared of what he will do to harm your baby girl, then he will do it when your not around and you dont wnat that, just keep letting him get involved. He will soon tire of it, believe me, iv been there and i have had 4 children, the more you let them help, the less likely they are going to harm your new baby. My eldest daughter wouldnt let anybody look at her new born sister in the pram when she was 2 year old, she used to cover her face and say `NO` all the time, when i let her say `NO` she soon stopped and let everyone see her new sister, try it, dont worry and dont panic, it will soon pass. Good Luck Paula.

Answer 8

i had the same problem when i had my second child. my first was only 2 when we had our second and she would try pulling her on the floor or bite her fingers when we was not looking.
she has growen out of it now but i think its because they have been so use to it being them, then all of asudden there is another little person taking there time away from you.try includin the baby and your 3 year old in some games and prase your 3 year old on being a big brother/sister and let them help out on passin you a nappy or feeding time in the day it makes them feel special. i hope this helps they will get use to having someone else around it just takes time.

Answer 9

you should try and get your son involved having a new baby come along after three years of them being the only one is probably realy hard for him by getting him to help out with say giving a feed or changing nappies and bathing cld help as ye wld all be working together by offering lots of praise and encouragement also and telling him how he's the big brother and must help and be gentle as his sister is much smaller

Answer 10

"Psychology" is the word we are all avoiding, but it DOES work.

Tell your son that you had a baby girl so he could be a "Big Brother" because he is such a lovely boy that he deserves a little sister to look after.

Involve him in her care.

If you want her to sleep 'upstairs', ask him to check her room; or ask him to give her her bottle whilst YOU check her room (keeping a subtle eye open of course).

Once she is settled - talk to your son about how much he has helped you today, and how you 'just knew' he would be a great 'big brother'.

My parents managed to convince me that they had 'the new baby' for my sake; because I was such a lovely, thoughtful, caring little girl that I deserved a baby to look after.......worked for us.

Good luck; just don't forget that your son is a lovely little person - and is just struggling to find his place in his very recently extended family.